Not a particularly pressing situation, but it's mine

[lanegwyn]

I haven't had friends since middle school, and am now a senior in high school.

I can't concentrate on homework, so I haven't done it for a while. I did more than usual last year, especially in APUS because there was a lot of easy busywork involved. This year, though, I'm back to not doing most of the work. I want to, on some level, but I don't. I'm currently failing two courses, one of which used to be my best (English). I test well, so theoretically if I were able to concentrate I could do well in school. I'd like to do well in school, but... it's not happening. I've stopped turning in work in English, despite the fact that these books look interesting and my teacher is fantastic. I also want to make a good impression on him, so why can't I at least do the work he assigns? I keep hoping he'll ask me what's wrong, but I'm finally coming to the realization that he doesn't give a shit. He barely knows who I am, I guess.

I have a best friend but we go to different schools and don't really connect. I think she only still communicates with me out of a sense of obligation, which is sweet, but we can't do much for each other.

I have no friends at my school. I also hate it. It's good, for a public school (it just won an award, actually), but I used to go to a genuinely (academically) outstanding school and I guess I miss it. At school there are maybe three people I very much care about, but they're all male teachers. I'm not friends with any of them. I can't seem to talk to them. The one whom I care most about vaguely dislikes me and thinks I'm... more than a little thick, because I'm unbelievably stupid in the class he teaches. It's a small class, so my failures are blatant. I think part of my cognition problems in his class have to do with my depression, but... it's demoralizing, regardless.

I was diagnosed with depression and have spent half of the past three years on an anti-depressant. I recently went off it (again) because... I think I was hoping to sink low enough to attempt suicide. I haven't, though. But I have been eating much less than usual. Before school paused for the winter holidays, I'd reduced my caloric intake to fewer than 1000 a day (not the stuff of EDs, but not particularly healthy either) and was drinking a lot of water. I'm not sure why I was doing it. I've been eating normally over the past weekend- when I'm away from school, I eat and sleep normally. I'd been going to bed early in order to stop thinking.

I also thought, for a while, that I was developing schizophrenia. I've never had any delusions or hallucinations (that I know of) but I "saw myself" in the descriptions of prodromal schizophrenia that I read online. I sincerely hope that I was wrong. It's- obviously- a horrifically difficult disorder to live with and I'd rather eventually achieve some kind of health and happiness.

I don't know why I'm writing this, or what I hope to get out of the responses. You don't have to respond. This is the first full day of break I've spent at home, and I've spent all day trying to figure out what to do with my time. I've all these books I've ordered online but I don't actually want to read any of them. I want to know stuff, and these are books I should be interested in, but I read a sentence or two and then put them down. I've spent most of the past three and a half years online but it's just not interesting anymore- if it ever was.

I don't really want to kill myself, because, well, dying's not an attractive option. But I'm not optimistic about my living. I can't seem to do anything. I suspect I've destroyed my ability to think by spending 5+ mindless hours per day online for the past four years. I can't seem to relate to people. Life outside of the sheltered home my parents have built for my brother and I looks very, very scary. Maybe even horrific.

I've never attempted suicide. I've made cuts on my wrist- several, over the course of months- but never deep ones. I guess they're symbolic? or something. A lot of what I feel is normal teen angst, I suspect, but without anyone to talk with it starts to feel freakish and debilitating. If I just had a real friend or two (especially at school), I'd be more or less fine.

I just have no idea what to do.

EDIT: I feel a lot of shame, all of the time. I've basically failed for a solid 17 years. If I could just get over that, and if my ability to concentrate could come back, I'd have a lot of look forward to because I'm young, my parents can afford to send me to a good school (if one will let me in...), etc. I fail in many small, daily ways. I'm also- and at this point I guess I'm whining- particularly physically unnattractive. Borderline repulsive, which would be fine if I were a boy/man but I'm a girl/woman. So even if I could overcome the rest of my personal problems there's still that. I think I'll get plastic surgery if I ever get enough money (if I live long enough past graduation to get a job, etc.) but there's only so much it could do, honestly.

In summation: I'm drowning in self-pity and incompetence.

[Blair]

With all of the focus problems you talk about have you ever thought you might have ADD? It could really help to get evaluated for that. Also, SLEEP. I'm no one to be preaching about this because it's probly hypocritical but I know how much it can mess you up. See a sleep specialist if you have to. And try to keep eating normally. Since you said you eat okay when you're away from school it might be a stress/anxiety type thing. So maybe choosing to eat in the mornings before school or at least drinking something with vitamins and stuff like OJ could help. If you're not eating/sleeping right, that'll mess with everything else. Try to straighten out your body. Get yourself figured out and that'll help you figure out everything else.

[okhereiam]

Let me just start by saying that you are a great writer. I mean, while i was reading your post, i kept admiring the way you relayed your story. Maybe that talent can act as a gateway out of the rut your in, you know? Just write... and work off that skill that you have.

...Which leads me to my main point. Remember that you have talent. You have worth. You can pass English, and you can pass every other course you take. You have the ability to get out there and feel better about yourself. It might take some time, and it will definitely take help from others (but remember that it's ultimately up to you). You said that you keep hoping your English teacher will notice something is wrong and ask you about it, but he never does. Maybe you need to take that first step. You know that something is wrong, and you know you need help, so take that plunge and talk to someone. It doesn't have to be now--do this when you're ready. But do not give up. I believe in you, and I know there have to be other people who believe in you, even if you don't think so.

You haven't failed. This is just the beginning of your life. After high school, there's so much more to do and see. You've said that the outside world looks scary, but that's just because you haven't had the chance to fully experience it's awesomeness. Don't be afraid (even though it's completely normal to be scared of stuff)! There are so many people in the world; you're bound to find someone who you can connect with. Also, please don't call yourself "repulsive"--I know you're beautiful and I haven't even met you .

I hope this helped a bit.
Keep looking up~