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-   -   Worthless, hopeless, and needy (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t62904-worthless-hopeless-needy/)

Sora145 December 27th 2010 06:34 PM

Worthless, hopeless, and needy
Right now, I just feel defeated. I've felt so much in the past few months. I've felt numb, hopeless, suicidal, angry, I've felt hopeful, happy, like I'm actually worth being around, but right now it's like I don't know what to feel any more. In essence, I've had my heart broken three times in less than four weeks, to the point where I don't even want to cry and wallow in my misery, I just want to pretend it doesn't exist. I really don't feel like any of my 'friends' would really care if I died, since they hardly ever talk to me anyway.

I have no reason to live. I have no aspirations for the future, I have nobody who enjoys my presence, who wants to hear what I say. I have no inspiration or drive for art, which I used to practice every day without fail. I have nobody to confide in. The person I thought who most cared about what I would say unintentionally just made me think I should shut myself up for good. He was one of the people who broke my heart. He still doesn't know, or at least, hasn't heard it from me. The person who wordlessly saved my life the first time I had my heart broken shows no interest in me either. He broke my heart after I stupidly started to think that he would like me at all.

I have the tools I need to kill myself. I have pills that I can overdose on. They'll most likely kill me by heart attack. And my mom didn't try to help me the last time I overdosed, so I know that even if I change my mind, I'll really die this time.

I'm tired of trying to do it and failing, or changing my mind, or giving it more time. I've lived much longer than I would have if my suicide attempts worked. I may have been happy that I lived when things were going well, but things always get bad enough again that I want to kill myself. Do I really want to die? No. But I'd rather have that than be in this sort of limbo, where I'm waiting for one of the people I love to love me back. And I can't even make some sort of hail mary where I beg for them to care about me, or tell them that I care about them. That would be hopeless and it would just make me more desperate to die.

The smallest things trigger the biggest responses from me now. It's been like this whenever I've fallen this far. And it makes me wonder what will happen if a big thing triggers a reaction from me. I'll probably kill myself violently as opposed to a bloodless death.

In short, everything that had been giving me the hope to live in these past few months has dissolved until all that's left is the truth. That one doesn't really care about me. That the other just pities me. Not enough to actually care, just enough to do something if I ask, or to try to comfort me if my distress is so obvious that only dead people don't notice. And even then he has his preferences over me. I'm just the bottom of the barrel for too many people to think that it's just coincidence. In short, "It's not you, it's me". I need more than friendship or gentle caring when I'm trying not to sob. I need one of those people to actually care about me. But I can't ask that of someone. I know what trying to comfort a person like me is like.

Harley Quinn December 27th 2010 07:15 PM

Re: Worthless, hopeless, and needy
Firstly, hi. Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm glad you found us before it was too late.

From what I have observed, your social life seems to shape you. It's definitely a major part of every teen's life, and I'm not going to act all mother-ly saying it's just puberty, because I'm going through it too.

Take a moment to think about all of the different aspects of life. In what you've written, you seem to be only addressing your social life. How's your education going? How's your personal alone time? Just forget about everyone around you for a second and think about how good you are in the other aspects and how you beat them.

And don't kill yourself. Because of your loss of friendships and love, you must find the people/person who will be your best friend, your guidance. :hug:

I don't know if this will help (I usually am unsure of what to say to suicide threads, and this was unsure too), but if you want to talk, feel free to PM.

Sora145 December 27th 2010 07:45 PM

Re: Worthless, hopeless, and needy
My education is shit. My personal alone time? I have too much but want none.
The giant essay you read is an example of what happens when I'm left alone.

Harley Quinn December 27th 2010 08:00 PM

Re: Worthless, hopeless, and needy

Originally Posted by Sora145 (Post 548108)
My education is shit. My personal alone time? I have too much but want none.
The giant essay you read is an example of what happens when I'm left alone.

No education is shit, you always have a future ahead of you with education!
It was a pretty good giant essay. Lots of organization involved, and I didn't just skip to the end with the "in short." See, I have horrible sentence structure with my starting a sentence with "Lots," and even this sentence.
Do you like to write?

Sora145 December 27th 2010 08:10 PM

Re: Worthless, hopeless, and needy
Let me clarify- I don't give a rat's ass about my education. I'd rather donate it to somebody who actually wants one. If I'm going to die anyway, the government wasted the scraps of money they spent on me. I hate writing.

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