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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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mispulka Offline
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Name: Michaela
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Emotionless, not really depressed but.. (long story) - December 28th 2010, 08:54 PM

I always was the girl that had no friends, but didn't know it because I was lost in my own world to notice. It's my little emotionless bubble, I don't feel much, but it's okay. Basically, I've been alone for 16 years and didn't mind.

Two or three months ago, I started to hang out with a boy. I don't trust or like people easily, but lately I really started liking him, and wanted to be something more. I felt really connected to someone for the first time ever. I started to feel emotions and saw the bright colors, heard birds singing etc. Also he made me see my flaws, and I am very aware of them now. Actually, he made me cry many times, because he said something that hurt me so much I had to cry, but I'm trying to think that it made me a better person.
I'm very insecure, so I haven't managed to ask him out on a date. And it seems that it's too late now, because he stopped talking to me (even though I do try to converse) and hangs out with another girl rather than me.

And this is where my problem starts. I'm back in my emotion-free shell, but now I know what is it like to laugh genuinely and to have a person you can tell anything you want to. I don't have any close friends.. or friends at all. My personality sucks. I'd rather sit alone at home and read than party somewhere. I don't care about stuff that normal teenagers do (I prefer talking about politics than what's sex like etc.). I'm not pretty. The only thing I'm good at is English, and most of my schoolmates hate me due to that fact. I'm the black sheep of my family.

I don't see a point why I should continue trying to get better. I'm going to end up alone anyway. No one would want such an insecure, pessimistic and weird girl. Plus I seem really fixated on the guy, and can't get over him.
I wonder if it wouldn't be better for everyone if I would just.. run away? Jump under a car or sedate myself.
I know it's probably only the 'unreciprocated love' syndrome. But it made me see the real me. And I don't like the real me. And I can't imagine a future for this me.


Sorry for bugging you :| I just needed to get this of my chest. You really don't need to reply.. or read it altogether.


“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live”

Charles Caleb Colton

Last edited by mispulka; December 28th 2010 at 09:00 PM.
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Re: Emotionless, not really depressed but.. (long story) - December 28th 2010, 11:29 PM

You never know what the future holds. Anything can happen. You should try to change things because you never know how things will turn out. Maybe they will get better. It is good to have friends and people in your life to turn to when things get bad. Friends are very important. The true ones will be with you through it all no matter what. They will listen to you at 2 AM when you want to rant over something and bail you out of jail when something goes wrong. That is kinda extreme but you get what I am saying lol. You won't be alone if you do try to make friends and anyway, I highly doubt you will be alone for the rest of your days. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a normal teenage girl. There are many girls that are just like you. I can even relate to some of the things that have happened to you. I have never had many friends ether because I am too shy and insecure myself to make them easy. But I know how good it is to have them and I wish I had more than I do. I have had many guys I could not get over. Some I still have not gotten over. I would rather be home than be at a party somewhere too. See, you are not much different than other people. There is always time to change. But you have to decide to change for yourself. It isn't something someone can do for you. If you need anything, you can PM me.


   
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