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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dr.Eggman789 Offline
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I don't know what to do - December 30th 2010, 07:00 AM

My girlfriend of a year and a half and I got in a fight on Christmas about something small, that we both blew out of proportion. Since then, she hasn't spent more than an hour with me (although we live together). Today she more or less told me it's over. I just don't understand. We almost never fight, and even when we do, we discuss the problems we are facing and always work through it. Hell, last week, we were looking at engagement rings. I told her the very night of the big fight that I was sorry and din't mean to hurt her feelings, but I just lost my temper (which I have only done with her once before, a long time ago). But she said she just doesn't care about us anymore, that she would rather be out with her drug addict friends than spend time with me. I just don't understand. I told her I would do anything to fix this, that I would do anything to make her happy again, but she just says she doesn't think I can. She says our problems have been building up recently, but I'm pretty good at reading her feelings, even when she is trying to hide them from me, and I noticed nothing wrong with her before Christmas. She says things that pass of our relationship as nothing. (I can't really explain what they are, just little things.) Her family has accepted me as part of them, and vice versa. She and I have discussed marriage, raising kids (we agree on almost everything regarding that) and just about anything you can think of to solidify our life together, but now, in a matter of days, she no longer cares.

I'm up for a promotion at work, which would over double my income, and allow me to get a nicer place (which I mainly want because it would make her happy), and I try to reassure myself with this (at least I have something good happening right now), but I find myself wondering why bother? I only wanted it to get us financially secure so I could support her going to school and maybe start a family (which, up until five days ago, I thought she wanted, too). I really don't care about making more money, or having a nice house, because now I'll have nothing of value to spend the money on, and my house will be empty. I don't care that I'm moving up within the company I work for, because the life that the job provides me will now be empty.

Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm young and there are "plenty more fish in the sea." And I don't believe in the concept of "soulmates," but if I did, she would be it. I have been with a lot of woman before her, both older and younger, from all walks of life. I've seen all types of girls, and absolutely none of them even remotely compare to her. I am almost positive that if I can't do anything to repair our relationship, I'll be single for a very, very long time, because first, I believe that she was my one shot to be truly happy, second, I don't have much of a social life (too much time focused on work and her) so meeting other women would be damn near impossible, and third because I seriously doubt any woman could live up to how sweet and loving she used to be.

I also think finding someone to replace her would be damn near impossible due to the fact that I kind of get bored with girls (I know it's a shameful thing to say, but it's true). I've never been with any girl that I didn't get bored with after 1-4 months. But with her, I have spend nearly every day for the last year and a half with her, and lived with her for almost a year, and I still feel the same way about her as the day I asked her out to dinner with me. (Butterflies when I think of her, extreme protectiveness when someone makes her cry, the whole nine yards)

I just don't see a point to carrying on this facade of life. What is the point, if I will be alone? Nothing I accomplish will matter because I have no one to share it with, no one to celebrate my achievements with. I don't have many friends (as I hate alcohol and drugs, which alienates me from most my age), so I will pretty much be completely alone in my life. All the good things in the world could happen to me, but if I can't lay next to her at night or hold her or have her give me a huge hug and sit in my lap and kiss me all over when I get home from work, it means nothing to me.

I know God disapproves of suicide, but what about when the life He has given me is no longer enjoyed? I thank Him for the time I've had, but the 60+ years ahead of me are useless. What is the point of dealing with it all if I could be with Him, if He would take me? And besides, I can't imagine a Heaven without her in it. How could my world be paradise without the one person I have completely loved?

I've spent the last 4 hours or so crying and holding a picture of us taken at a company event only two weeks ago, both of us smiling and happy, knowing we will never have our arms around each other like that. I'm now laying in bed, alone, while she sleeps in the room right next to this one. The bed fills huge, cold, and empty, and it will never be filled again, at least not with her, and that's all that matters to me.

I just don't know why I should keep going. Why should I? People are born, live, and die, and the world goes on. With her, that was okay, because I could spend my time here on earth making her happy. Now, what does it matter?
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - December 30th 2010, 08:13 AM

You're obviously a very intelligent guy, and seem to be very, deeply in love. When you said you could almost always see right through her, were you 100% positive that she wasn't hiding anything? A lot of people like to put on fake smiles, and hide what they're truly feeling. And when you said that you get bored of girls easily..have you considered that that might be what is going on with her? Something was obviously bugging her, to make her want to leave you. If its possible, write her a letter, tell you how you feel, let her know that you love her more than you can even comprehend..and if that doesn't work, you're going to have to fight the pain that this heartbreak brings you.

You don't realize, that your life is worth way more than every fiber of love you have ever felt, and every drop of pain that life has brought you. No matter how much pain you're going through right now, missing her, it won't ever add up to the pain that the people who love you will receive if you left this world. I know you say that this girl is all that matters to you, but there IS a lot of things in life that you'll be missing out on..and you won't ever know until you get there.

You thought this girl was your one shot at being happy in life, but she's not your only shot. There are so many things in life that can bring happiness, so many little joys out there, that can brighten up your day, and that, is what CAN keep you going.

Heart breaks are so hard to get over..I know..but eventually things will get better, and the sky will clear up, and the sun will shine. If you give up, you might not ever see that sunshine when things do clear up, so keep trying to stick around for that one day.

And try not to conclude that you'll be alone for the rest of your life, because you'll never know who you might run into. And I know, no one can replace anyone, regardless of what the situation is, but there could always be another place in your heart for the someone that might come along later in life..so don't give up on love, either.

Try to be positive through this hardship, because being pessimistic is only going to make it harder. Hang in there, and keep your chin up.



   
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Re: I don't know what to do - December 30th 2010, 04:25 PM

I have always been able to see when there is something wrong with her. Even when she's putting on a fake front. This is completely out of nowhere.

As far as her getting bored with me, that's what makes me feel like s**t. How can she get bored of me after this long? I do everything for her. I drive her everywhere (she doesn't have a car), pay for everything (she doesn't make much money), and treat her as perfect as I can. I don't understand how she can do this to me...

And my life isn't really worth much more than what I can give to someone else. As I said, my chances of finding someone are slim due to my lack of a social life and my expectations have been raised significantly higher because of her.

The worst part of how I feel right now is that nothing I can do will make me feel better. Last night, I was trying to think of something I could do or somewhere I could go that would get my mind off this, but there isn't anyone that can help me, no where I can go that would take this feeling away. I've been through this before but this is so much worse.

I have more to say I think, but I have to go to work.

Last edited by Dr.Eggman789; December 30th 2010 at 04:33 PM.
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - December 30th 2010, 09:28 PM

Also, when I got home from work today, she was leaving with her ex. I'm so fucking tired of this all.
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - December 31st 2010, 01:26 AM

Dispite what you think, you can get through this. Sometimes when people in are in a lot of pain, they don't know what they're capable of, and that they have so much more ahead of them.

Obviously you were missing something though, due to the fact that you didn't know what was going on that made her want to leave you. But here's the fact, you were VERY good to her, so she's losing more than you think. Its HER loss.

Your chances might be slim, but its not impossible. You can, and will find someone.

You CAN do something to make this better, maybe not for the situation, but for the pain you're feeling. You can tell yourself that you are going to get through this, and you can try your hardest to cope with this in a healthy way. If you tell yourself pessimistic things, and DO pessimistic things, then its only going to make things harder.

You have to help yourself before anyone can help you, and you can do that. Keep your head up, and TRY to be positive.



   
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Re: I don't know what to do - December 31st 2010, 01:46 AM

Thats a pretty big thing=( Something must be up though. I also don't understand why she would act like this. It sounded like what you guys had was very special and you guys were very much in love. For that reason, I would keep trying to win her back because she does mean something to you. BUT on the other hand, I am torn as to what to say to this because with the way she is acting, I don't know if it is best for you 2 to stay together. It doesn't sound like she is the one if she is going to up and get rid of you after one fight, you know? After you apoligied 20 times and stuff. That does not sound right to me and I think you deserve better. But bottom line is, do what you think is right. If you think staying with her would be the best thing, go after her and try as hard as humanly possible to get her back. If you think there are others out there that can treat you better, let things be. That is a hard issue to tackle but I wish you the best.


   
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