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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Atychiphobia Offline
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Unhappy Trying So Hard To Hold On. - January 2nd 2011, 05:46 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey,
I havent self-harmed in well over a month, before that it was just over 6 months.. I'm struggling and I'm really feeling the need/urge strongly.. intensely.. I have improved with my self-harm soooo much over the last 9 months-ish, it is a completely last, last resort, after I have done absolutely everything and any other thing I can think of. Now, it is generally just to stop me attempting suicide, creating an extra barrier I suppose.. Suicidal thoughts are intense at the moment and couple with the fact I'm in either a bad agitated depression or a mixed episode type thing.. I feel like absolute shit. low, depressed..but for once I have the energy to follow through. For the first time in forever, I really don't want too, I dont want to die.. I don't think, but I do want the pain to stop. I really quite NEED the pain to stop, these moods trigger my memories and flashbacks/nightmares. Plus I'm not sleeping and that always makes me less tolerant. Meds aren't an option, my psych is doing some sick experiment and wanting to see how bad it'll get without them.. he's in close contact with me, and I see him next Tuesday again anyway.. but I'm kinda fearing I'm not gonna make it that far.. I'm quite against self-harming, but how do I know if by refusing to do that, I'm completely allowing my attempt to take place.. Argh. My head. Is a mess. I'm sorry if this doesn't make proper sense.. my mind is racing. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for? My psych won't do meds ["yet"] even though I've informed him I'm getting worse, which has got to be wrong surely?!
So yeah, you've got a extremely tired, stressed out girl on the very edge of her rope, trying to hold on but I'm slipping. All I can see in my head is either clips of me dying or clips of things that happened with him [abuse]
Every time I get somewhere something always manages to knock me back down
Hugs please?


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Re: Trying So Hard To Hold On. - January 2nd 2011, 06:04 AM

You've gone a really long time without SI, that takes alot of strength. You've got the strength in you to fight all these urges and live your life. Here's the deal honey: it won't be easy and you know it, but you're worth fighting for. <3


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Re: Trying So Hard To Hold On. - January 2nd 2011, 06:53 AM

Blair said the perfect thing. You are STRONG and you can win this! Just keep your head up. You have gone so long without SH and I know you can go longer. Life finds ways to knock us down and to challenge what we are made of. But we can choose to get back up. Ignore the bad thoughts as best as you can although I understand where you are coming from on those. I have bad obsessive thoughts too but not SH related. I have had them for almost a year now and its hard to get rid of them. But like I said, don't let this beat you. You can make it through, I have faith in you. *hugs* I am here if you ever need someone to talk=)


   
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Re: Trying So Hard To Hold On. - January 2nd 2011, 03:40 PM

Thanks guys
I'm trying to believe that I'm strong, I really am. But I don't feel it.
I have been pretty hypo/manic over the last 6 months without much break so I don't really see it as much of an achievment about not SHing..
This has been my longest period of 'low' since my highs started kicking in and after the high it's so much harder to be low. :/


Immobilized. Captivated and Hypnotized,
by all your evil lies.


я.ι.ρ ηαηηу -
уσυ ℓєт υѕ 3rd мαян 2011.
ι ωιℓℓ мιѕѕ уσυ σяєνєя 3




   
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Re: Trying So Hard To Hold On. - January 2nd 2011, 05:08 PM

Hey there

I am really sorry to hear you're finding things tough right now. But I wanted to tell you that you can get through this. Tell yourself that you can make it through until next Tuesday when you see the psych. Telling yourself otherwise is setting yourself for failure. Nothing, is stopping you from keeping going apart from yourself.

The fact that you went six whole months with out self harming is amazing and then you slipped up but you picked yourself back up again and now your back to being a whole month self harm free which honestly leaves me speechless because it is amazing and you are such an inspiration. You clearly have strength in side you and I have no doubt that you can't make it through this.

If you want to go on medication, maybe when you see your psych be honest and blunt and tell him how you are feeling and admit you want to try medication. If he/she says no. I'd probably suggest you going to see your GP and explain how you'e feeling and you've asked to go on medication but your psych said no but that you're really struggling and this is a kind of last resort for you.

I know things are hard but I also believe in you and I know you want to get through this and reach happiness. So keep on fighting. Use people because they do care. Don't ever be alone. I really hope things start to look up.

Look after yourself.
Jessie. <3


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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