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Brandon Offline
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I am pessimistic (long, but sexy) - February 20th 2011, 05:59 AM

Up until this point, I always thought I was optimistic. In some circumstances, I am optimistic. Even though I've managed to get bad grades on tests, I always trust myself that I'll put forth enough effort to get a 3.0 GPA. And I've been getting 3.0 GPA's since freshman year in high school. Now I'm a sophomore in some community college. I've always met expectations when it comes to school -- not necessarily for my benefit, but more because I don't have much of a choice. If I were to slack off and get below a 3.0 GPA, I'd lose my scholarship and therefore would have to acquire a certain amount of money to pay for tuition. Because I don't have a job, I would have to rely on loans (which is potentially a bad thing to do). Most importantly, I would upset some of my family members, especially my dad and grandmother, and it would feel like all hell is breaking loose because they'd breathe down my neck and yell at me to "get a job." But the truth is that I have little to no motivation to do anything in my life. I'm only attending college to make people believe that I'm actually doing something when, in reality, I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Gandhi said to live life in the present moment, and that is exactly my flaw. I concentrate on the present moment. I'm not going to say that I haven't thought about my future, but it hasn't been a big enough issue for me to focus my attention on the future rather than the present. Instead of worrying about the more important things in life, I live in denial of who I really am. I still believe I'm 16 years old, I still believe that I got time to figure things out, and I still believe that I'm going to experience euphoria that will dramatically change my life into what people want it to be. That's one of the main reasons why I lost my virginity in the first place because I thought that if I lost my virginity, I would become a man and make everyone, including myself, happy. But I see all these people moving into apartments, having motivation to work long hours and make decent grades in school to the point that they look physically exhausted, and I realize that I am exactly what you shouldn't be as a 20 year old. I may not be a high school dropout, I may not do drugs or drink alcohol, but is my life really any different? Just because I have some college education, does that automatically make me a better and yet more productive person?

I used to blame my dad indirectly on my current predicament. It was the only thing that made sense to me because my dad isn't perfect either: he lives with his parents, I live with him, he never completed college while I'm taking classes to manipulate people and take people's tax dollars from my scholarship, he's divorced and single while I've never been married and have been single for several years. Despite our similarities, we have very distinct differences: he's gotten high before, he drinks alcohol, he has the "fuck the law" mentality while I have no problem with it. As far as my personality is concerned, I'm more like my mom than my dad. If my mom ended up divorcing my dad, then what does that say about the relationship between my dad and I?

Growing up, I looked up to my dad. Despite the numerous bad names my mom has called him, I still believed that my dad was a good person and someone I'd want to look up to. But the older I got, the more I've learned about reality. The more I've learned about reality, the more I've learned to resent him. My dad is more of a friend who shares different beliefs rather than a fatherly figure that I wish I had. I don't want to end up like my dad, but saying is a lot different than doing. I don't want to end up like my dad, but it may very well be the case. I have little to no source of income, I have no girlfriend (not even a woman who would even consider to have sex with me), I live with my parents, I live my life around technology, and it's just the same shit everyday. I have little to no friends anymore and the only time I feel excitement is when I'm home alone and have the ability to access internet pornography. But even THAT I wish to change. I want to change literally everything about myself, but the more I think about it, the stronger my mind bounces back into the state of denial of who I am. And now that I realize it, I think the only thing holding me back is the amount of pessimism that I've developed over these last couple of years.

Because I've been single for so long, I've lost interest in having a relationship. It was my way of coping with being single by telling myself that I really don't want a relationship. Most relationships fail anyways, so what's the point in falling in love with someone only to potentially have it stomped on? What's the point of marriage when divorce rates are high? What's the point in finding a job when they're probably not going to hire me anyway? What's the point of even going to school when my file says that I have no clue what I want to do with my life and I'm only meeting expectations for a scholarship? Even if I set on a career doesn't guarantee that I'd be hired. Regardless of the possibility, I completely disregard any evidence and believe in Murphy's law that says "what can go wrong, will go wrong." I'm beginning to believe if I conquered pessimism, if I started to believe that "love" exists and women really aren't trying to steal your money in marriages, or perhaps I have good potential of being hired, maybe my life would be different. But so far, I am no different than I was at 16. I see no future, I still disappoint family and myself, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. And it's all gotten to the point where the only goal I have in life is to drive off a cliff. Suicidal thoughts actually make me feel better because it gives me something to look forward too.

I guess the question that I have for you is...what would you do? Do you have pessimistic thoughts? If so, how do you deal with them?
   
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Re: I am pessimistic (long, but sexy) - February 20th 2011, 12:03 PM

Hi Brandon. Congratulations for getting a scholarship. You have made my day!

Even though you have no current goals other than what is right in front of you, you have kept going. May I say that I believe you can do anything you want. It may seem like you are no different then when you are 16. But it is highly likely you are a more mature person, and that acne is not effecting you as much.

Keep going, getting an education helps you to earn enough money to move out of home and live the life you dream.

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.


And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space...'cos there's bugger-all down here on Earth

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
   
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