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Expectation - February 21st 2011, 09:37 AM

I am a liar.
All my life i saw it as a way to be the person i didn't have the ability to be in the eyes of my family, in the eyes of my mother.
I cannot be the person they want to love or the person i wish to be.
I lied to have those brief days, weeks, months of peace where we could live together in a dream state of what i knew it could be like. not once would i ever enjoy it, the sick feeling of knowing it was all a lie. knowing it would in hours or days come crashing down around me and that life as i knew it would be unstable.
once more i stand on the precipice waiting for these pieces to fall, a lie i pray can be fixed, hidden. yet if it cannot, then all is lost.

no home.
no job.
no family.
no support.
no education.
no identity.

I Cannot pretend that this is not of my own making. i could have chosen the truth, i could have done what needed to be done so that these lies would have never had to come into existence. personally i see it as a self punishment. if i can sabatoge myself enough then no one will place worth in my existence anymore and just as i see myself they will too.

For as long as i can remember even in times of happiness i would think casually of my own death. of the faces of onlookers, strangers and those i knew. of the different ways it could occur, by my hand or someone else.
some sort of fascination with the idea. like walking through the mall, my imagination would take me to tossing myself from the second story to the level beneath. i never thought of myself as depressed, just imaginative.

If this cannot be fixed..
those things will occur without doubt. without those things i have no existence, no purpose. generally no other will to be here.
i don't even know if i feel its worth waiting to see if i can rectify my actions. better to try and fail- then end it or just take the leap.

i feel very calm but maybe I'm just lying to myself about that lol. i can feel myself shaking from the inside. I cannot face my family and more so i cannot live with myself.
i don't wish to live with myself.
i pray that i will be hit by a car, mugged in an alley, drown in some available body of water, anything aside from excessively bleeding to death lol

well that sounds about it.
Goodnight.
   
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Re: Expectation - February 22nd 2011, 12:04 AM

Awwh it sounds like you need someone just to talk to. Why are you feeling all these negative feelings????


Some things are beautiful because they are un-obtainable <3

'A dream is what you desire if anything and everything is possible.'
   
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Re: Expectation - February 23rd 2011, 04:29 AM

Talking would certainly be nice. However it will never be with the people in real life that would make the issues resolved.
talking with those people is and will always be impossible.
as much as i wish talking here online would be helpful, in some way i already know it will not be. My feelings, reality, expectations are my own.
I cannot look outside of that for someone to talk me away from them.
this is who i am.

Why do i have these negative feelings?
Self hatred. Absolute loathing of everything that makes up this personality.

I came on here to give myself a chance to dialogue and perhaps make sense out of a decision.
Honestly i have come to the conclusion that suicide is a viable option.
more like if A happens then B occurs and C comes into play
but if A happens and B doesnt occur then C isn't nessecary.
   
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Re: Expectation - February 24th 2011, 01:00 AM

I know that feeling and i totally get what you are saying about never being able to talk to the people in real life. Its just not my thing and may not be yours eitheer. You should change the way you think. Work on yourself for a while focuse only on you for a day with no distractions. Set goeals for yourself, make yourself feel better. I know it seems even talking online to people honest;y doesn't help me either but i like the encouragemnet and that atcually someone cares.
Are you close to anyone in your family? Anyone you care about so muc that ypu'd do anything for them?? Or a friendd???


Some things are beautiful because they are un-obtainable <3

'A dream is what you desire if anything and everything is possible.'
   
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