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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Harley Quinn Offline
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It's time to bid vulnerability goodbye. - February 23rd 2011, 01:42 AM

I apologize if this is the wrong place to put this in, but it has a lot to do with my depression and the state of my life.

For a while now, I've been talking about losing my vulnerability. I always thought I had little vulnerability, and that was all I needed. But after today (if you want me to tell you what happened over the past 4 days, drop me a message), I realized I need to have no vulnerability in place.
(My entire why and background information got deleted by an overuse of backspace and I need to get this overwith and let this vulnerability problem out.
(I don't know if this is a vent or if I want replies, I suppose I want both)
What I have to do to stop all vulnerability:
  1. Get rid of all pages (and notebooks) with any form of writing.
  2. Stop posting vulnerable stuff on the net (that is findable by searching my name and stuff, not TeenHelp) such as books, and etc.
  3. Talk to my friends differently. Don't tell them the truth and don't curse. (Cursing isn't even the true me)
  4. Find someplace where I can post what I want and share only a certain amount of things. I was thinking of Penzu, but I want reassurance. Does anyone use it?
  5. Please everyone.
  6. Stop worrying about the future.

I think I can them all until the last two tonight. I just have to take it.
After today, I can't risk it.

By the way, to everyone - the suicide has been called off, butt that doesn't mean I am not depressed and I don't want to die every day of my life.

What do you think? Should I let some people in? What if it gets to my parents? I feel. Agh.
Also, over the past weeks, a couple months even, my appetite's been decreasing heavily. Something always seems to happen right before dinner and I want to skip it. Like now. But, today was the first time I felt anorexic. But, I like my body. I guess. I'm neutral with it. I'm slim. I have no stomach fat. It's okay. I don't see why I'm not eating.

(Oh, this feels like a horrible post, the one before it was deleted was much better. :\ Sorry)


I hope you're having a spectacular day!


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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: It's time to bid vulnerability goodbye. - February 23rd 2011, 06:07 AM

Dear Radhika,

I have spent many years in attempt to solve the riddle of overcoming metaphysical weakness. I am not sure of what your thoughts and experiences have been so far, but I am glad to share my own, in hope that some aspect of it may be of use to you. If what I am saying are all things that you already know, then feel free to disregard.

First of all, your base conviction here is entirely valid - 'vulnerability', as you call it, is an unhealthy element and should be overcome. But it's important to keep in mind that this doesn't mean become completely closed off to the external world and turn your heart to stone - the ideal state, and in fact, the only truly sustainable state, is one of openness, but immunity. Where one does not need to deliberately avoid anything or rely on certain external dynamics in order to maintain this state of balance - the dangers in our environment are like water molecules; they land on us, but immediately they flow away, into the ground below, leaving no trace behind.

This journey is by no means a straightforward, nor single-dimensional one. If successful, it can have incredibly far-reaching effects - as, indeed, all imbalance and suffering arises from a condition of, and tendency for, weakness. A weakness beyond our conscious control. It is what drives us to react passively to our environment, driven by powerful emotions which often cloud our consciousness and intuition, thus keeping us within the grasp of 'fate'; without control.

But how is this to be approached? In my understanding, all can be divided into two general categories - working with what is internal, or working with the relationship between oneself and the external world. Most of what you have listed above, it seems, would fit into the latter category.

Making changes to the manner in which you as an existent being interact with the world which exists outside of you - this can be a very powerful move, depending on what exactly is done. You may find, through experimentation with different relative positions and approaches, that a lot of your weakness was imposed upon you by the expectation that you, for whatever reason that others judged to be warranting of your original position, are supposed to be weak. For example, society may hold the expectation that writers with emotional works must be equally emotional - when you change your writing style significantly enough, you change others' expectations of you, which can change how you interact with them, and therefore may alter the general dynamic of your existence. This is, of course, just a small and likely exaggerated example; but you get the idea.

Where one must be careful in approaches of this nature, is - we cannot truly hide what we are, if that is indeed what we are, and we are well aware of it. If you are just someone who writes a lot of emotional literature, does an amazing job with it, and wish for your voice to be heard, then attempting to hide these facts from the world can only do harm in the long run for yourself. Many manners of change can be harmless or even incredibly beneficial - but equally so, some changes can be harmful.

An example of a beneficial change would be, where you mentioned 'don't curse... cursing isn't even the true me' - here, you know very well that this is not who you are, and you would gladly change even for no other reason than the quest for authenticity itself. We can determine only for ourselves whether or not a prospective change is truly conducive to long-term well-being.

Another general method is to seek out a new environment. For this, there are many many examples - if one's family dynamics are chaotic and damaging, to move out; if one dislikes loud places and large crowds, to move from the city to the country - and so forth, the list goes on. If there are certain elements of our current environment and framework of existence that are problematic, can we conceive of a realistic alternative which, while it would not solve our problems, at least not add more?

Unfortunately, it seems like this is often not a possibility in terms of realistic, immediate solutions - I would like to think, for good reason, too. We are confronted with the reality that we often cannot change, nor choose our environment - and therefore, the only thing left to turn our attention to is inwards - to ourselves.

I come back to what I have mentioned earlier, about the ideal state - for if we are still dependent upon our external environments in some vital (rather than supportive - which is quite different) manner or another, we are ultimately still not free - still vulnerable, to possible changes in that environment which may ruin the success-factors of our adaptations, whereby we will be forced to start over from scratch.

When we are confidently in touch with the element of balance that exists deep within us, it will no longer be necessary to hide - nor, will there be anything left to fear - for we can now fully trust ourselves, and know that damaging external forces will not be able to drag us down.

The question remains; how does one do this 'getting in touch with the balance within' business? After all this time, this is where I currently stand on my own journey - in the process of exploring and hopefully answering this question. Unfortunately, I am not able to comment further at this time for that reason - so the rest will be left, potentially for you to discover.

For me, everything that was experienced and conducted prior to arriving at this point were all vitally necessary steps, without any single one of which, today would not be possible. But together, this is where they have led. I have come so far since those first days - and yet, it would be foolish to assume that I am anywhere near approaching my destination.

I encourage you to go at your own pace, to be guided by intuition and experience - just be aware that, you may have hit onto something far more greater and wide-encompassing than it initially appears. I know that I certainly thought that way at the beginning.

So, having unintentionally summarized the entire past few years of my life () .... I hope you're still with me! And that you may find some value in these words, even if not immediately, then at some point down the road.

May you find what you seek,
Kaisada


"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

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Re: It's time to bid vulnerability goodbye. - February 24th 2011, 12:16 AM

Not to take your words the wrong way, but I interpreted them extremely sadly. It made "invulnerability" seem so much harder than the above, and I want to give up. (I tend to give up oftenly.)
I don't know what else to say.


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Re: It's time to bid vulnerability goodbye. - February 24th 2011, 01:18 AM

Radhika,

It is unfortunate that you feel this way, however, I do know where you are coming from; in the beginning of my days, I contemplated giving up very often. I was not aware of how deep the rabbit hole truly ran - of course, no one told me, so I had to experience every cycle of disillusionment and starting again, on my own. Not giving up permanently no matter how urgent the desire was to at times, because one knows that such a thing is not possible - once the heart is set on something, it is impossible to truly forget. It is impossible to ignore the suffering in the present moment, and pretend that one would not do anything for a way out.

What I was also not aware for most of this time, is how great the rewards of persistence can be - and perhaps to not have highlighted this in my previous discourse is my shortcoming to blame. What would you say if I stated that the source of all suffering in existence arises from our unconscious tendency to be 'vulnerable'? - I do not like this word much actually, as it can be easily misinterpreted by others; I find the term 'imbalance' to be more suitable. If I have understood you correctly so far (please do correct me if I was wrong all along!), what you seek ultimately is a sense of freedom - from certain dangers, conditions, and states of being. These arise as a result of interactions with our external environment. To attain such a state properly would entail, more or less by definition, a state of autonomy of mind; a mind at peace, largely immune to the chaos which naturally exists all around.

Can you remember or envision a time in your life, when you felt differently about everything? In that, you were more carefree, joyful, and hopeful; before 'growing up' and being fed all sorts of negative energy, whether directly or otherwise, through your interactions with the world? To realize that much of our negative inner patterns are ultimately the result of conditioning is a very powerful act; equally so is the realization that all of that can be challenged and overturned.

Am I reading too much into your words, when all you wanted to do was rant? That is possible, and I would apologize if you find all of this unnecessary. I am just putting this out there, only my experiences and by no means the absolute truth - because I think that this is the best I can do at this time to support you. From our past dialogues, I have seen that you have so much potential, to embody so much more than what you are experiencing now - and I truly hope that you can realize it.

The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.

Be well,
Kaisada


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Re: It's time to bid vulnerability goodbye. - February 25th 2011, 01:27 AM

Quote:
If I have understood you correctly so far (please do correct me if I was wrong all along!), what you seek ultimately is a sense of freedom - from certain dangers, conditions, and states of being.
Firstly, yes, this is exactly what was meant behind my words, but obviously with lack of eloquence in comparison to how you've written it.

Quote:
Can you remember or envision a time in your life, when you felt differently about everything? In that, you were more carefree, joyful, and hopeful
Second grade and below. I hit depression in third grade, and that was the beginning to the drastic change in fourth grade. Not to say it was so extreme, but it started to built up. It started with asking what the meaning of life was and questioning the truths in the world. I still do, but I got in lots of trouble for opposing the truths of the world and what you are told to accept at birth.
At this time, I had a best friend, I was a superhero in my own mind, was friends with every new kid, didn't care about the bullies, silently listened to them, I was used for homework and such during this time, I would watch TV shows, I was extremely friendly and one of the happiest kids in the class. The perfect little angels you see and know they're brats at home? I was the perfect little angel at home too. I was smarter than my sister, was praised oftenly, called cute and pretty, and was loved.

No, I didn't want to just rant. I wanted to know if what I was doing was right. Somehow, you read what I was trying to say in the post before it got deleted (and then I was just too lazy and lacking time to attempt to rewrite it), and thank you for that.


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