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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Ella.x Offline
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Feeling suicidal...again - February 26th 2011, 06:33 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

All I can think about is suicide. I have no reason to stay alive any longer. I have 3 friends that I'm not even particularly close to, my mum doesn't need me anymore, I work part time as a cashier and have no prospects of getting a better job, I can't pay my bills, my kidneys are gonna kill me in a few years anyway. The only reason I haven't done it yet is I need to make sure it's perfect, I can't risk failing and having to take time off work or even failing my probation period at work coz I'm too stupid to do it right. No, this has to be definate. I can't screw this up. I have 2 options - hang myself or drown myself. Both would involve overdosing on my blood pressure tablets and anything else I can get my hands on.

I am going to try and get an appointment with my doctor next week and get a prescription for the antidepressants I was on before because I ran out a few weeks ago. I know what they do when I overdose on them, so I won't be scared.

am I crazy?
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - February 27th 2011, 12:12 AM

Hey Ella,

Things will get easier hun Instead of trying to get tablets from your doctor to overdose on, could you talk to him / her about how you're feeling? You sound like you're going through an awfully tough time at the moment. Maybe it's because you ran out of the ad's that things are so bad? They need to be taken regularly and it's quite normal to feel suicidal if you suddenly stop them. If you start taking them again you may feel better. Please try and stay strong lovely, there is another way out of this :hugs:
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - February 27th 2011, 12:22 AM

Without meaning to sound stalkerish, I stumbled across your comment about the job offer being retracted. I'm sorry to hear that and think it's absolutely ridiculous that someone would do that just because of the self-harm. But on the plus side, the fact you got offered it means you could be offered your dream job again in the future, it shows you're perfectly capable and have the abilities. May I ask what your dream job is?
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - February 27th 2011, 06:52 AM

I wanted to be a support worker in a home for disabled adults. I've got a 3 year restriction on it though as long as I don't self harm from now on which is never going to happen. apparently what I choose to do with my own body in my own time is my employers business. It's just so unfair that some people chain smoke to deal with stress and they're allowed jobs and other people binge eat or drink. Why should self harm be any different from those?

I was feeling pretty bad before I stopped the pills but I get such bad mood swings that it's difficult to tell anyway. Following my overdose in january, I'm being referred to a care coordinator, whatever that is. I'm reluctant to tell anyone anything that could possibly screw up my chances of getting this job in the future, if I'm even still alive then. I grew up thinking that honesty was the best policy, but it actually isn't. You tell people stuff in confidence and it ends up written all over your records for everyone to see. I can't see how I'm ever going to get better and even if I do, I still have nothing. I'm still just a loser working in a dead end job struggling to pay the bills.
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - February 28th 2011, 10:43 AM

Hi Ella,

I'm so sorry for the delay in responding. I wrote a hug response to you yesterday but my internet kept cutting out every time I pressed post.

I wish I could say it's all going to be okay with your dream job but that's probably not going to help you right now as you feel it's not going to be okay. I really don't understand why the employer would have any right to know that sort of thing and it's really unfair that they're letting it affect your offer if otherwise everything was good with your application. Life is so unfair hun and I honestly don't think there is much I can say to cheer you up regarding the job.

I am in no way advocating cutting but if it's helping you through the bad times, could you possibly do it somewhere they would not find out about? Also, with the pills, if you still feel bad on them, it could possibly be they're not the right ones for you. Maybe you're doctor could suggest something else if he / she knows this?

If you feel talking to your care coordinator is not a good idea, you know you can always let everything out on here. Either by posting a message or I'm always more than willing to chat you via pm.
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - March 2nd 2011, 05:15 PM

I've been on so many different antidepressants (fluoxetine, sertraline, venlafaxine, duloxetine, mirtazapine) and none of them have really worked except when I was on duloxetine (antidepressant) and quetiapine (mood stabiliser/anti psychotic) but my psychiatrist took me off them both.
The only reason why the employer could find out that stuff is because I would have been in a position of care which means they have the right to dig about in my personal life and medical records. Apparently self harm makes you emotionally immature and unstable and means that you're going to be a shit employee. No-one knows that I've done anything that could be considered deliberate self harm for months. As far as the professionals are concerned, I don't cut. I got a letter saying I've been referred to a care co-ordinator, but there's not really much point in seeing her considering I'm not going to tell anyone anything now.
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - March 2nd 2011, 09:46 PM

Sheesh. Things are not good regarding the employer. I'm sorry ella.
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - March 2nd 2011, 09:48 PM

Maybe it is worth seeing your care coordinator to tell them you're not self harming. Okay, so that's a lie but in all fairness it's none of their business. Self harming doesn't make you any worse an employee or person than someone who doesn't.
   
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Re: Feeling suicidal...again - March 3rd 2011, 09:50 PM

Ha. It was the NHS. I can't afford to go back into education now so I'm going to be stuck in my dead end job for the rest of my life. So basically, I fail.
   
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