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vividshock February 27th 2011 06:53 AM

I'm Falling
 
I always feel like wanting myself to die. My parents are so fucking dumb. I work my ass off at school and I never get an ounce of respect. Maybe this because they both had shitty ass lives to begin with, but I just don't why they can't be better parents. They don't hit me or anything, but they never buy food that me or my siblings ever eat. Me and my siblings basically survive on junk food or go to friends to eat. Its so embarassing too when my friends come over and they don't offer any food. This may seem trivial to some people, but I live in a nice house and the pure mentality of this just drives me nuts. They always push me to get A's, but my dumbass dad didn't do jack shit at school. I understand his story, but being a fucking mailman your whole god damn life is stupid. I mean we live in America and you don't even fucking bother to return to school. I feel so stupid since all my friends I have fathers who successful. I basically rely on them on being my father since they worked hard to get where they were. While my dad basically hitch-hiked on my mom (BreadWinner) and his brother who got them to the U.S. since he was in the military. The only thing that keeps me from freaking out and doing something stupid is only music, but even that is wearing very thin because I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. I've basically stopped communication with my parents and stopped caring about schoolwork. This is huge since I really wanted to be a doctor, but I don't feel I can go on being this pissy. If I had a choice from killing my parents or running away, I would kill my parents, but the only thing thats stopping me is my feelings over hurting other people. Everytime I space out I always seeing myself dying and how wonderful it would be. The sudden responsibilities I had would be gone and I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I won't go as far as killing myself, but I always hope someone would have the mind to kill me. What the hell am I suppose to do?

Katrina February 27th 2011 02:07 PM

Re: I'm Falling
 
Hey there,

I'm glad you've managed to get your thoughts down on paper, and I hope that this alone - that typing everything out and knowing that there are people out there that could potentially be going through very similar things - will help you a great deal. Sometimes, though, as we both know, its not just enough to spit out the words. We need feedback. As humans, I believe we were all MEANT to do life together. Life wasn't meant to be lived alone, and I think there's something very powerful in that, and thus very powerful in hearing feedback on our own thoughts.

So with that, I will first say - I am a nineteen-year-old college student from Alabama (no where near professional, though actually a Family Studies major), but I can only offer you support and advice. However, sometimes that's what we need, right?

Here's my thoughts on the situation... Firstly, I used to feel a lot of the anger and resentment towards my parents that you're feeling towards yours. When I was fourteen, I REALLY tried hard in school, and if I made anything less than straight A's...well, let's just say it wouldn't have been a very pleasant conversation at the dinner table that night! So, I can definitely relate to you in that aspect. In fact, it wore me down so much that once I got to high school, I hardly did ANY school work. Given, I managed to keep a 3.6 GPA, but goodness gracious, I don't think I ever studied or did much homework. I cared more about my friends and about dance than about school. However, NOW...in college, I am so thankful of my parents for setting such a high standard for me. I've gotten nothing less than a few A-s in college, and I absolutely find myself to be incredibly dedicated to my schoolwork - its IMPORTANT, and I don't think I'd have those same views if not for my parents pushing me so hard back in my younger teenaged years. So, I know its hard to look so far in the future, but you could look back one day and feel the same way. In the meantime, try to hang in there and do your best. If you need help, ask your teachers. Do what you can to grab the grades...and if its for no other reason than to avoid conflict with your parents, I guess that's that, right?

Okay, another issue I feel as though I need to address is that if the only thing stopping you from killing and/or otherwise harming your parents is your feelings about hurting others, I do think that you need to get professional help for that, to be blunt. Feelings can change, and you MUST learn other ways to manage your anger, in case they do. Its an absolutely necessity, for your own safety and for the safety of those around you. I seriously, seriously encourage you to, in fact, LOOK into some of those alternate ways of managing your anger and frustrations. On that note, many schools have counseling and guidance offices, which I think can have some great ideas and resources for that, so I hope that you'll take advantage of those while you're still in school.

As far as your friends go, you know... you are not your parents. You are not your family. You are not your background. You are who YOU are. Yes, of course you come from your family and your parents and they have a huge amount of impact on you, especially while you're young... but that doesn't mean you ARE them. Your friends know that. They're friends with you for YOU, not for who your parents are. No need to be comparing parents. I just don't feel as though its going to help you, ya know? Love your parents for their good qualities, and for the fact that you could potentially be the CHANGE that your family is looking for. You could grow up and be so successful...and that's so awesome. You've been given the resources to do so - you're in school. You're certainly on your way. (:

Music is a wonderful outlet... I hope everything manages to shape up for you. Hang in there, and please take care of yourself and stay safe. I hope to hear back from you--keep me posted.

vividshock February 27th 2011 09:32 PM

Re: I'm Falling
 
Just had a panic attack. I feel like I'm losing myself bit by bit. I'm starting to act like dumbass since I've been making these humming noise under my covers. Wish I had weed though it always gave me reason to live. I've been itchin to grab alcohol, but I don't know if that will help. Starting to wonder if I could go back to school since I just lost most of my motivation to work.


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