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fluffy_leonz Offline
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Age: 27

Posts: 3
Join Date: February 28th 2011

just writing things out hoping ill feel betterr.. depression and stuff :( - February 28th 2011, 05:10 AM

im a guy and im 17, 18 in 3 month, okay so a year ago i used to be so impossibly happy and confident, although i didnt realise this at the time, now im so depressed and fed up, it started when i fell in love for the first time everything was going good at first we both liked each other, however she was depressed with herself she had councelling lessons and stuff, and i helped her, but then i fell for her and she stopped liking me then the tables turned she was moving away from me and i loved her, she said some horrible things before completely leaving me, i also lost all the friends i thought i could trust from childhood who quickly left me as i broke down into depression, i then changed college course as she was on the same course and i wanted to move on and forget about her, however i was extremely depressed and hurt by it all i felt almost crazy.

i started a new course still extremely depressed without being able to sleep at night constantly thinking about it and how shes moving on in life and ive just wasted a year. i started the new course and met new friends i also got a girlfriend in the new class, however i was still very much in love with the other girl and so i treated my current girlfriend like shit messed around and was generally a dick, which also made me feel guilty and shitter, then the realization of being constantly miserable unless i had the other girl came to mind. anyway i got a new best friend to and i spent 3 months of constantly being drunk and having a good time, but then my girlfriend couldnt cope with me being such a dick and we eventually split up in christmas, and she was the only person who truly cared for me but now thats all gone we dont talk anymore.

now i dont go out half as much my best friend is slipping away we dont see each other much anymore, i still have feeling for the girl i loved however im getting used to feeling like this now, but now my self esteem has just suddenly gone, i dislike the way i look and am no longer confident, people always tell me im good looking and stuff, i used to be very confident with the way i looked to but not anymore, i dont really know whats happend i know im not photogenic although when i take pictures of myself i can look very attractive *vain as fuck* , and to make me feel better i put some photos on facebook and i get lots of nice comments *sad i know* however the photos feel fake because when i look at myself in the mirror i just dont see it anymore.

noone knows how i really feel, im not close to my family or anyone else, i dont talk about personal things with anyone, never have ive always kept things to myself i dont like to feel weak, everyone seems to think im very happy and cool, i look really popular on facebook and it annoys me because im really not and i hate myself but noone knows or understands its like i have a fake visage or whatever you call it. now im massively behind on coursework and about to get kicked out of my new course in 3 days if i dont hand in the work that was ment to be handed in half a year ago, i have currently not even started this work as my mind cant focus because im constantly thinking of ways to make me happy and cant do any work. i dont want to sign up for drugs from doctors because im worried my parents will find out and i dont want them to know, as far as they know they think im happy like everyone else, however im guessing when i become 18 in a few month ill be able to sign on something without anyone knowing.

so getting kicked out of college is really worrying me because everyones scaring me with this youll be spending your life in mc donalds shit, the realization of shit job and pay not to mention love life for the rest of my life is deppressing, life also isnt how i thought it would be, society seems fucked up and there seems to be very little nice genuine people out there, everybody out for themselves, i myself know im far from perfect, im a twat ive hurt people before and it makes me feel even shittyier and guilty of it.

i help people where i can and it makes me very happy knowing i make people happy. the only 2 things that consistintly make me happy at the moment is alcohol and online games, its nice to know online games and alcohol isnt going to just turn on me but still watching everyone move onto university and stuff is killing me whilst im lagging behind and dropping out. i think i am clever and i have alot of interests but there all plagued by my depression and now lack of confidence and self esteem, its like people only like you when your good but as soon as your having a hard time people dissapear and its shit cause i help people all the time.

so yeah currently i feel fucked and fed up no future and no motivation or happyness, when i smoke weed now all i get is depression and paranoier so ive recently stopped. currently all i do is chat and play around with girls, to watch them like me and hopefully then feel better about the way i look, but it never works, i get alot of attention but it doesnt make me feel better. i have long hair and without it i think im ugly, so im also worried about getting older and not being able to keep the fashionable hair because it would look stupid. talking about this with someone would also make me look pathetic.

it also upsets me to know i have an alright life, i dont have cancer, i havent been abused but yet im very depressed and it makes me think if im not happy now how will i ever be happy? and what if something bad did actually happen then how bad would i feel? cause surely it cant be any worse then i feel right now.

i did this to let everything out because i have noone else to talk to about it, im not expecting a comment thatll make me magically feel happy again, i just wanted to let my mind out on this, but all comments will be muchly appreciated although ive already heard alot of helpful comments and there all usually pretty much the same, maybe its my fault, it is somewhat my fault i should pull my socks up and get a grip, anyway ive gone on a lot.. but again its nice to get it all out, okay thanks bye! :L

Last edited by fluffy_leonz; February 28th 2011 at 05:12 AM. Reason: to make it more readable
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