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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Noire Offline
When is the future?
Jeez, get a life!
Noire's Avatar
Name: Jordan
Age: 29
Gender: Female

Posts: 5,261
Blog Entries: 481
Join Date: January 6th 2009

I ODed and I don't know why - March 2nd 2011, 01:21 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been on a downhill spiral for months. My Bipolar Disorder has been getting really out of control; my moods have become increasing labile and unpredictable. I had started SHing more often and more seriously. I only narrowly avoided hospitalization in December. It's been bad.

Last Tuesday, in the middle of a rapid cycling episode, I lost it. I don't even remember what I was thinking at the time. What I do know is that I SHed to an alarming degree; there are now almost a hundred new scars on my body. Perhaps even more dangerous, though, was the fact I took a full bottle of anti-anxiety medication.

I told my friends pretty quickly and they rushed me to the ER. They gave me charcoal to absorb the pills. I had to stay overnight due to my heart rate and blood pressure being dangerously low. The next day, of course, I was put in the psych hospital. I got out yesterday, and am not too much better to be honest.

They tell me I would have died had I not told my friends. I would have just had heart failure, most likely after going to sleep. That thought scares me. What scares me more, though, is I don't know why I did it. I told my doctor on the way to the hospital it was a suicide attempt. She says later I said it wasn't.

It really bothers me that I would try and commit suicide and not know why. It scares me that I may do it again, especially because I only feel somewhat better. I'm really worried about myself.

Love joins
Love unites
Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all

"A Million," by VNV Nation
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