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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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My mom's depression - March 9th 2011, 01:46 AM

I'm male, and 13, I homeschool myself using textbooks a real school mails to me, it's a choice I made, because I hate socializing. I have a dad, who's amazingly cool, although a tad old fashion and confused with technology, he makes an effort to be cool and never forces you to do something if you really don't want to do it He works out of town, and three out of four weeks he's not around. My brother is 10, a bit of a baby, but remarkably funny. My sister is 23 and getting ready to move out. She's not around all that often, as she's working or trying to get into a law school. My mom is depressed. I wish I could add something to that, anything. My mom is depressed but loves knitting or something, but really for as long as I remember my mom has been depressed.

I remember being four, I just started kindergarten, and had to have myself fed, dressed and ready by seven thirty so my mom could drive me down the road to school. Every single day I was ready, woke her up and left. I thought a four year old doing everything needed to take care of himself was normal. I was shocked to hear other kid's mom's cooked their breakfast and helped pick out their clothes. I visted a friend's house for the first time when I was five. I was amazed that their mom's were awake and smiling. I thought "All kids are different, all mommies are different." I deluded myself until I was ten. Then I realized something was seriously wrong. My mom slept seventeen out of every twenty four hours. She never spent time with me, yelled and hit me over every mistake I made. Called me names, and often told me she wished she had aborted me. I was depressed for seven months until she became medicated. Things improved and I felt better, I made a few friends and felt more like a kid. She was a loose cannon though, and if anything stressful happened, she would freak out again.

Her idea of a stressful situation is anything from rain to the sky falling. See, her medication isn't strong enough to contain her mood swings, anger, and fatigue. She swears, insults me, questions my sexuality (Because I don't like sports, this apparently means I dislike women...?) and tells me I was a "mistake". I feel sad, I feel anger and most importantly I feel hate.

See, have you ever told a parent "I hate you" and imediatly felt sorry, because it made you guilty to say that to the people who feed and clothe you? Imagine legitimately hating your mother. I know it's okay to feel that this isn't normal, but I feel angry when I see her. When she yells or mocks me, I feel like hurting her. Imagine the guilt of feeling hatred to someone over their mental health.

I don't feel I deserve being cursed at, I don't feel I did anything wrong to deserve being yelled at over anything mistake (I once parted my hair to the wrong side, and she yelled at me and said I was being "Lazy!", explain this to me? Or I accidently act loudly when she's sleeping, she yells at me, and on bad days, beats me for annoying her. And afterwards she makes me apoligize for making her angry.) I found a bag of weed in her room (She makes me do the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and any other chores, because most days she's too sick to do them.) and when I was putting away some clean socks of hers, I found a strang smelling ziploc bag full of something that looked like moss with stuff sprinkled in it, it was weed, not that I see how she has time to smoke it, considering she's eating or sleeping in her few waking hours. It's a nasty secret, and my sister is too busy to notice, my dad is gone too often to realize it, and my brother is too young. I would probably get in trouble for knowing if I told her. No matter what it is, I get blamed. My brother yells, I should have kept him quiet, if my dog gets sick, I should have made the animal better. I find a bag of weed in her room, and it's my fault for knowing. Is it even my problem? Should I do something, or is she a fully capable 45-year-old adult?

I feel terrible. The secret, the anger. I can't go more than a moment without being yelled at. It's violence and I often feel unsafe. She threatens to kill me, and has pulled a knife on me when I was accidently too loud when she was sleeping last week. (Noise is an issue for me. I have OCD, and it bothers me not to say something if I think it deserves to be said, even if it's just talking to myself, and I have a naturally loud voice, so this is obviously a bad combo.) Looking at me, I look anything but a troubled kid. I have all the material possesions I need, and most of the ones I want. Yet I don't have love and safety. I know it seems weird for a teen to want their parent's aproval, most kids would be happy with their parents ignoring them or being away often. I do enjoy the freedom, but the other day I felt like committing suicide, and I realized no one would notice or care. My brother can play video games for twelve hours straight, my sister is gone for most of the day, my mom sleeps most of the day, and my dad is out of town. It would be at least twelve hours before anyone noticed, and because I'm homeschooled and have no friends at all, the only people who would care would be my grandparents, who live out of town.

Running away would be a serious choice, except we live half an hour away from civilization, the neighbours are a ten minute walk away (And don't really know our family), and I have no friends or realitives in town. I have no one. And it makes me feel bad. I hate my mom and it hurts, my mom hates me and it hurts, no one else is ever around, and my brother is too young to care. Often I end up sitting alone in the dark blogging furiously on my computer. The only things I know that care at all are my three dogs, two are miniture, one is huge. I just feel like every day is schoolwork, getting yelled at and video games. I rarely know or care what day of the week it is, and sometimes I even forget the months. It's either school time or summertime. Not that summer is any different, just cut the school out of my three step day.

I just feel worthless.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 9th 2011, 03:28 AM

Hello Justin,
Your life is not worthless at all, and there is quite a lot to live for. It is obvious that your mother is a very troubled woman and the situation is having a very grave impact on your quality of life. From what I can tell, it seems like she really needs professional help, it appears to me that this is more than just depression. I think you should talk it over with your father and grandparents about having her admitted to a psychiatric facility so she can get proper treatment. None of what she has done, especially the acts of violence and hatred towards you, are permissible by any means. Right now the safety and welfare of yourself is paramount.
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Re: My mom's depression - March 9th 2011, 02:43 PM

Thanks FlyingTrue. I've tried explaining to her there is nothing wrong with going to see doctors who would help us, and her. But she was convinced I was trying to send her to an insane asylum (She seems paranoid at random times. This was apparently one of those times, other examples are once, in the few times she left the house she made me go to the store with her. Some guys were laughing, and she was convinced it was at her. She doesn't give any other symptoms of... Scitzo... I don't know how to spell it. Damn. Anyway, it's a reare occurence, but happens roughly twice a month.) and argued that she was "Not retarded!" so I gave up. She had a depressed and crazy mother. Her father died when she was eight. She talks about how mean her mother was alot. She was verbally abused and hit. She mentions how that made her sad, and yet she seems oblivious that she does that same thing.

I'm addicted to video games. I always hear such nasty things about that, but without this I would probably have killed myself. With that calling to get to the next rank in Halo, reach that new Call of Duty level, beat the last quest in Fallout, it keeps me going and keeps my mind off of negative thoughts. The needing to play everyday is tiring at times, but I mean I'm homeschooled (And like it that way.) but I never have the chance to get out, so what do I have to lose. Nothing.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 10th 2011, 02:51 AM

Interesting news today, not good, not bad, ust interesting. You know how I said my sister was trying to get into lawschooling, well she got accepted. She's moving half-way across Canada. I feel good for her. I mean this september she's gone. We have five people and three bedrooms in this house, my parent's share when my dad's around (Obviously) but my brother and I are stuck sharing. He's cool, but he's ten. A hyper active ten year old is not the best roomate. Anyway, I'll get some privacy and new paint and crap and he'll move to the new room. Also this means men out number women in this house 3 to 1 when my dad's around. We tend to think "Bigger, Better, Cooler". The other day my dad was looking at a TV that would take up a full wall in our living room. My mom wasn't there, but the rest of us were. My dad practically had his credit card out, but my sister argued that would be "Tacky". I mean if he had his way, a TV and xbox would be in every room. (Including the bathroom. I wish I were joking, in his own words "We could watch TV while we bathe!"
So I mean our house could be alot cooler.

I know my post sounds really shallow, but I mean holy crap! She'll move out, I'll get my own room, and turn 14 all in september this year. Cool!

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 15th 2011, 10:43 PM

Another nasty day. My mom woke up around noon, and then told me and my brother to go outside and clean up our dog's... you know, matter. So we went out there with shovels, but my brother pretended he needed to go to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later he finally comes back outside. I'm in the backyard, and he said he was going to clean up in the front. Whatever, I said he could go and do what he wants. Another twenty minutes later I finish the back, and come to help in the front.

I find my brother playing in a pile of snow, making a snow fort and his shovel laying on the ground ten feet away. We argued a bit, I said he was being lazy while I was working, and he started screaming and swearing saying I was rude to call him lazy. He started to punch me, but I didn't fight back, and my mom said she heard us from inside and screamed at me. No, not my brother for being totally lazy, but me. She called me a baby, made crying noises and repeated everything I said in an annoying tone. I argued that he was late comming outside and did no work at all in the front yard. She got RJ to go inside and made him hot chocolate and locked me out of the house for forty minutes. I was done in another thiry so I had to sit outside soaking wet (From the snow that was melting as it hit my coat.) and sat in the snow for a good ten minutes.
I'm so pissed off. My brother has been acting like my mom to me. Yelling, ignoring me, and using the same words she does "Shut up and deal with it" or "I don't care idiot." I'm so frustrated words can't describe it. I told my mom how her issues are no reason to treat me like shit and she responded "You don't have to agree with my rules. Go **** yourself and move out of MY house." It's not her house, she has never earned a penny in her whole life. She simply eats or sleeps to see if you can go from 200 pounds to 300. My dad is the only one who brings in money to this house. Yet she's convinced she worked to make all of this.

She is delusional and cruel and sadistic, not depressed. I've ****ing had it. I'm this close to killing my own stupid ass. If I were brave enough I would already be dead, but I'm too much of a failure and a frickin' chicken to even do that propperly. I make myself sick.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 16th 2011, 03:12 PM

Today I woke up to the most biazzre sight ever, this is like next to voldemort and harry potter dueling in the kitchen. I heard pounding and some kind of yelling. I thought my mom was having another episode, but when I entered the kitchen, the pounding was her ungraceful dancing and the yelling was her out of tune signing. She was cooking eggs for breakfast, greeted me with a smile and told me to watch TV for half an hour before breakfast. It was 7:00am, a few hours before her regular time up. I did as she asked. She then told me I should get a start on school after breakfast, and she did it with a bloody smile.

She told me my sister and her were off to get some minor car repairs on my sister's car, and that she has made crackers, sausage and cheese for lunch (My favourite) and it was in the fridge already cut up thin (Again, the way I like it!)

Christ knows what caused such a drastic change in only a day. I mean I bet tomorrow she'll be frustrated again, but you know what, if everyday was like this, I would have everything I'd ever wanted. For her to be happy.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 17th 2011, 12:25 AM

My sister had to screw things up. American idol is on and she has to be an immature baby by turning the TV up as loud as it can go when her favourite idol nominee is on. Seriously as loud as it can go. My mom got pretty pissed but kept her cool and told my sister to kindly turn it down.

My sister told my mom to "Shut up" because this was her "Favourite singer" and my mom snapped. She's yelling at everyone now.

Why could she not have left well enough alone? INstead she has to act like a child who thinks it's cool to turn their music all the way up, as though her ears are broken or something.

Why is she so immature?

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 22nd 2011, 03:50 PM

Last few days have been perfect, yesterday however around lunch she said she was tired and slept for a few hours, then woke up pretty foul. I made supper, just to help her out. She acused me of "kissing my [her] ass". :/

Today she is in a worse mood, going back to insulting me.

"Fat ass wake up!"
"Lord gay ass please make me tea"
"You're being too noisy sire asshole."

I personally like it better when she sleeps when she's angry, then I don't have to deal with her.

She started ranting (For no reason mind you) about how no one helps her ever, and how she does everything. I quietly said
"Mum, I made dinner last night and helped clean up the house..."
She almost lost it. I was simply trying to show her she isn't alone, everyone is trying even if it doesn't seem like it, she claimed I was "Underminning the work I[she] does everyday of my[her] life!"

Things were so good and now they aren't, I have no idea why she is so angry/sad. I've tried being kind and reminding her that no one is ever completely alone, but she told me I was "Underminning" her. I've tried helping out, I've tried doing nothing. I've tried making myself notices and I've been invisible. Most kids I know (Not friends, just kids who ocasionally mass e-mail everyone they know, and sometimes I'm one of those kids.) are spending Spring Break having fun with friends, or going on trips, or even just hanging out with their parents. I'm spending mine in fear of being beaten trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. I'm going to go play a good six hours of video games now. Screw everything else.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 23rd 2011, 02:19 PM

hey justin, i read through your posts, and i must say that you sound like a really responsible son. it must have been really hard for you having to grow up in that kind of environment, even though you might feel that sometimes you got the hang of it.. like you said, your mother have probably been through terrible times growing up as well.. most importantly then, i want you to know that you have hope. the hope that you'll not end up like her, and that although you may have lost quite a lot of your childhood there's still a long way to go for you.
don't give up..
and also, i hope that you'd be able to go find someone you can talk to about your problems. you may be able to carry a lot of things by yourself, but it's easier with a helping hand. it'd be good to get a social worker to help talk things through with you, as well as to find ways to get your mother some treatment, and you some time to grow up without her abusiveness.
since you're home-schooled, i suppose that your connections with schools will not be very good, and schools do have school counselors and teachers you can turn to who can refer you to social services.. try thinking of ways to find out what you can about what is available in your area, and call them up. don't be shy. continuing to live like that is very stressful..
your family situation will not take a day to change. it may take years, even forever, but it can change. if it cannot be changed, at least you'd be safe, and your brother as well. he's young and he's already picking up a lot of negative stuff from your mom.
do it for him, do it for yourself, and have hope that things can change..



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 23rd 2011, 03:41 PM

Thanks floating angel. In my home schooling program I do have teachers, but none who I really trust enough to tell about this. At least I see someone knows change is possible.

I'm going to try one day at a time. My mom also finally took my doctor's advice and has started taking Vitamin D, but is only taking it once a week because it is "Expensive" instead of three times a week like recomended, it is ten dollars for a two month supply, which is a bit, but I mean the lady buys expired milk to "Save oney" she wants money just to hoard it, I help pay the bills, I know how this works. At least we've made some progress through her problems.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 23rd 2011, 05:51 PM

I'm going to keep posting here, if nothing else like another blog where I can simply document what I put up with. I find putting my problems on the internet is like writing them down and putting them in a balloon, someone else will find it and it won't be just your problem anymore.

Today since I've had time on spring break I've been digging for what my mom used to be like. Just so I could know something other than her pitful and defeated completely. Maybe we have something in common. Lately my dad has been wanting to go skiing. My mom usually argue that that's a stupid idea but always loves once we go. I found about six dozen photos from out picture album of her skiing. Apparently she loved skiing. I asked my dad's parents (My mom's dad is dead and she doesn't talk to her mother anymore) and they confirmed she loved everything about winter before.

I also found something scary. After her dad died her mom had a mean boyfriend. He beat my grandmother. He beat my mom and her brother. Possibly sexually abused her, but I don't know for sure. Her brother became a drug addict (I understand why we never talked to him now) for a long, long time. Then he had an episode at my mom's wedding and she hasn't forgiven him for his outburst since. My mom's mother is mentally insane. Likely from a tramatic past.

No wonder she's screwed up, but that still doesn't give her a single good reason to be mean to me, now does it.

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Re: My mom's depression - March 24th 2011, 12:32 AM

hey justin, yeah i think her past doesn't justify the way she treats you. it does explain why she's like that, and it's not easy to fight against one's past and it's easier to carry forward the hurt into the next generation (aka you and your siblings). you've been carrying the role of a parent, an adult, at home, and it's not appropriate for your age.. you deserve someone who you can depend on and who can give you the love that your mother has not been able to give you.
i believe that you have thought a lot about your situation, and probably know what to do more than i do.. (: and i hope that you would put more focus on getting yourself to safety, not just physical but emotional and mental safety as well.
you can't change your mom, but you can change your future..
and i think it's good to talk about your problems (: it's a first step, and it feels quite good that you're being heard doesn't it? i get that from this site as well..
so continue posting here



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the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 31st 2011, 09:34 PM

A few months ago (Two I think) our neighbours (Only ones I know anyway) who are a somewhat elderly couple (Fifty five and sixty I think.) went on a trip to visit their grandchildren. They were gone for five days and needed someone to take care of their chickens (I said I live in a rurual area) they only have four so I agreed. Anyway, I did the job for five days and on day four it had snowed four feet, so I shoveled out the area in front of their chicken shed (A garden shed they converted. Actually quite impressive) and in front of their front door. When they came back they were impressed, they phoned me a while later saying I forgot my gloves at their house (I did take them off while shoveling, and I realized I had actually forgot them!) so I went back. I grabbed my gloves, said goodbye and went home. I found fifty dollars in my gloves once I got home. There was also a thank you note. My brother stumbled into me and say the money and note. I knew this would only cause trouble with my mother and told him not to say anything. Being the ten year old he is, he was excited about me getting paid, bragging about what a cool "Job" his brother has on the phone to a friend of his. Of course my at diner (THe only time my mother was awake that day) my brother accidentally mentioned it. My mom freaked out claiming I had taken advantage of our neighbours and said that I was unfairly paid too much. She phoned them but they insisted I deserved the money. Eventually my mother gave up and let me keep the bloody money. She acted as though I had gotten the money one weekend as an assasin or something. Also our neighbours are nothing short of millionaires (Seriously, they built their house custom with an indoor pool and hottub man!) which doesn't mean I would have accepted the money had it been offered, but it isn't as though they forced themselves into the poor house by sneaking the money into my gloves.

Anyway, today they phoned in saying they'll need me to housesit for four days while they go away sometime over summer. (Likely June) I thought this would be cool and accepted. Then I thought about my previous experience and realized if I got any money someone would eventually find out, be my brother, sister, or mother. And I would be in trouble again. She'll go on the same rant about being a "Good person" and not a "Greedy bastard" and about how "It looks as though we [my parents] cannot support our [my parents] family!" They are good people and they know I sit around home all day anyway. I wouldn't want to lie to them, even if I could safely lie. If I decline they'll feel bad, and although we don't talk often they've been good to be. Yet if I go through with it somehow I know they'll sneak me money again. I still have a few months, but they've been planning this trip for ages, they already have plane tickets an everything (As they were showing my dad today.)

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - March 31st 2011, 11:16 PM

Today has turned out pretty decent I guess. With everything going on I haven't been doing great in school. I mean my lowest grade average was 72% on my midterm report but considering last year my lowest was 88% this isn't great. I just got back a math assignment (My lowest catogory) that said 89%! My new math mark is 76%! I also got 92% average in science. Anyway, I was lagging behind in science, I had another assignment I was behind on (By a week) turns out though the teacher cancelled the assignment! I'm now a week ahead in my studies! Sweet deal considering this morning I was 4% stupider in math and 8% dumber in science. Also I know another math assignment I have is getting 100%, because I finished two days early so the teacher gave me clearance to use a caculator to check my work tomorrow. And I'll still be able to relax this weekend because that was the only assignment I needed to work on until monday. I also have a science test next week. My test results are generally poor, because I always choke. This time I think I know what I'm doing though. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am! This is the first time I've felt so light and energenic in a long time.

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Re: My mom's depression - April 4th 2011, 12:21 AM

Today my dad left again. My mom is going on a rampage. Today while she was sleeping I fed the pets (We own all sorts of animals, SHE wanted them and yet never takes care of them.) and then when she woke up she was doing her usual grumbling around getting outside talking about how much she hates feeding the animals. I told her it was done and she got mad at ME! She said today she wanted to do it because it "Relaxes her". I tried to argue that that wasn't being reasonable or fair, which was a mistake. She cursed me out and sent me to my room. She stayed awake until lunch and then went back to bed. She sometimes feeds the pets again at 3 o'clock. Today she slept through their feeding time and you could hear the horse making noise because he was hungry. She hates being woken up by our animals, and hates them being noisy because "It bothers the neighbours and makes us sound poor because we cannot feed our animals" anyhow, I fed them and when I got inside she was again awake. She told me the animals had woken her up and screamed at me for not feeding them earlier. She called me a brat and now here I am in my room again. She said a "Brat like you [me] doesn't deserve to eat. Not that your [my] fat ass couldn't skip a few meals, or all of them!" The thing is, I do feel ungrateful and bratty. I hate her so frickin' much, even though I shouldn't. She doesn't mean to be like this. She has some serious, serious mental problems.

Yet I'm so pissed off at her. She is always, no matter what right in her mind! She actually tells me nearly everyday that "Men are pitiful and don't deserve opinions. They should just answer "Yes dear" and hope to get sex.". It's infuriating. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? That's what makes me think she was sexually abused when she was a kid.

You know how you feel when you make the wrong choice? Dirty, Stupid, like you failed? I just feel like that, no matter what I do.

I realized instead of me actually being depressed I'm just suicidal and have really, really low self esteem.
Due to the low self esteem I also developed a video game addiction. A quite serious one. I feel like I'm bound to life by a controller cord. Yet I know if I try to stop video games I'll only find I'm facing another day of being homeschooled (Which I enjoy, but the bus refused to stop anywhere within a three kilometer radius of my neighbourhood, so public school is not really a choice anyway.) another day of having zero friends, and another day of sitting at home. Yet I think the reason I developed said addiction is because I have nothing to live for, and no options. I just started playing out of boredom, for hours a day. Then I got used to playing excessively. But really I have no purpose to quit, because even if I wasn't addicted anymore I would still have nothing to do but play all day. Meaning I would no longer be mentally dependant on it, and therefore not get as much joy from playing games, nullifing my very exsistence to mediorce boredom. I do school, I eat, I read and write, I feed the pets, I go online and I play video games. That's literally everything I do everyday. I have a delicate balance of these things. And all of which work very well. I put enough time into school to get good grades, enough time into video games to satisfy my addiction, enough reading to make me feel less isolated, and enough time online to make me feel like a part of a community. Food is really the only thing around here that has variety, as I often make a variety of different healthy food. It's the one part of my life that has color and that is healthy for me and those around me. And to be honest, that's just sad.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 4th 2011, 06:25 PM

Today is one of the worst days ever. She does nothing but yell and call me "Retarded" she won't sleep, instead she simply barks and yells. I'm trying to study for a science test, but good luck doing so with her standing over you yelling and swearing. I want to kill myself so badly right now it hurts. I'm a useless waste of skin, a waste of air, and a waste of life. I really am useless. Useless means serving no purpose, without use. That's describes me. Only thing I'm good for is being a mass market consumer. Not that my one sale would even effect the companies I buy useless trinkets from. Really that's the only useful thing I do is buy pointless shit, and even then, it would still sell, $40 won't destroy microsoft. I'm sure. I'm a freak, a misfit. Even on the island of misfit toys they had others like them. I'm my own brand of being a useless loser with no real place anywhere but in the dark of his bedroom. I'm a god damn screw up. In the mail (As I explained homeschooled) I got back a food ec. assignment and I scored 46% on it! I'm to stupid to even cook fucking muffins! Muffins! It's almost funny how I screw up ever god dam thing I touch. Midas turned shit to gold, I turn gold to shit. When my mom gets angry it's contagious, except for me because my self esteem is too fricking low to even think I'm worth enough to get mad at anyone. Rightfully so seeing how I benifit NO ONE! Not one person benifits from me. Anyway, my brother and sister are getting her contagious anger. My dad is gone and can't even be bothered to phone because he doesn't want to hear that fat bitch piss and moan about every fucking thing. No one does. I'm here, stuck where fucking everyone hates me. Everyone! Fuck this shit. If I haven't overdosed by the end of the day I'm too much of a fucking coward to even do that right.

- Justin

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Re: My mom's depression - April 4th 2011, 06:33 PM

Justin, there actually IS a Blog feature on TeenHelp. Look closer to the top of the website, on the right-hand side.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 4th 2011, 07:59 PM

Cool, I used to go to a site that used the same template and they used to, I guess I forgot to look!
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 7th 2011, 01:28 AM

Wow, another shitty assed day. I cannot even start to explain. I feel terrible.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 11th 2011, 09:37 PM

My mom's new thing is forcing me into activites. Yet she specifically choses things I hate and literally laughs in my face about how I have to do them. A three weekend basketball class, taking six hours out of every saturday and sunday of mine for a long while. And yet no matter what I say she sticks to it. She drops me off in her pajamas, drives home and sleeps until I'm done. I'm under five feet tall, I understand height isn't the only thing that matters in basketball, but at age 13 full size adult hoops are used, meaning I'm slower, have less chance to aim, I can't block a shot for beans, ect.

Then came swimming lessons. I was decent at best. I mean I can swim happily, but the instructor always made us roll off the diving boards into the water, head over heels. And failed us if we didn't do so twice a class. It's the only instructor for my age group, and yet my mother made me do that.

Now it's a mixed sports class at the YMCA normally mixed sports I can stand, seeing how it's never compettive and always just goofy fun. However she wants my brother to do the same class, he's ten. This means she would have to lie about my age to get me into the same class at the same time. By two years.

The ages are 6-11. Meaning it would be me, and a bunch of little kids. At the same time it's not really like I'm the most immature 13 year old to ever live, from my own observations I'm actually quite mature. Meaning I would have zero chance of fitting in or having fun. I argued it, but she phoned my dad and lied to him about the age restriction, claiming it was UP to 13, meaning I was only 7 months over the limit. He said it was kind of silly not to try, and pointed out I loved mixed sports in the past. However when I tried to explain the age restriction my mom would always cut me off or claim I was mistaken. It also is at 10-11AM, meaning it is right in the middle of my school day. And my mother often drops me off an hour early to events so she "Gets a break from your [my] constant annoying personality." Meaning I would miss alot of school time. I could work later to pick up the slack, but who wants to be doing schoolwork at 9pm?

Over the last few days, for lack of better words, I've been pissed off. At one point today my mom seemed normal, happy and nice. Sometimes she feels like that for a few hours a month at total random. I had a civil discussion with her, and at the time her htinking wasn't clouded by insainity, and she agreed it was silly to force me to do something I didn't want to do, considering the kids would all be much younger. However soon after she changed back into crazy mother and now tonight I have to talk to my dad and "Explain why you [I'm] such a failure and a brat."

I have no idea what to say. He knwos my mother isn't normal, but sometimes I think he doesn't really understand the full extent of her problems. I don't knwo if he'll believe I would have to lie about my age, and he's eight hours away wil no internet. I have no way of proving it other than my words. I guess I'll just have to grow some balls take my punishment, fair or not.

I feel sick with worry though. I mean I know the worst they can do it take away my computer or xbox for two weeks or so, but more than anything I'm worried about disappointing my dad. I've never been into sports very much, playing or watching, other than wrestling and MMA. He's never said anything, but I know he'd be happier to have a sports obsessed son, like my brother. He tries to treat us equal, but I know he's happier watching soccer with RJ than watching Electric Playground with me, it's who he is. Although I love material things like iPods and Xboxes, they can be taken away, but I know they'll be returned later, but my parent's love and respect is something I'll have to work for if I ever even get it back.
I don't know what to do. Once my mom went back to crazy lady, I tried to pretend I really wanted to sign up, but she argued that I "Broke her down" with my "Constant bitching".

Any advice ASAP is needed.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 11th 2011, 11:13 PM

I also discovered something interesting that describes me.
I took a quick test only to discover I'm a 90% introvert. I share many of the social problem traits, however they also seem to like things happening slowly. Such as eating, talking, ect. However I am a fast eater/talker/everything. That''s the ten percent of a the trait perfection I don't have. Interesting.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 12th 2011, 10:07 PM

My whole dad thing turned out fine. He just said "Whatever, it's not really your fault. It's all fine now.

Today my mom pretty much gave me a hundred dollars and unleashed me in the mall. That was for clothes, shoes and anything else for the next six months. I also decided to get a haircut. My hair was ten inches long, so I got four and a half inches chopped off. I impressed, but obviously my mom pretty much told me that it was terrible, like everything else I do. It really didn't bother me that much. Nothing does anymore, but I still feel kind of sad that nothing I do makes her happy.

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 15th 2011, 10:19 PM

Another shitty day. I feel like dirt. I'm not the kind of person who considers someone their friend easily. I guess to some kids I have five friends. To me I have four kids I talk to semi-regularly and a sorta friend. Anyway I was ranting to the one sorta friend (Leaving out anything that could get my mother jailtime) and I got one reply:
"It sounds like middle child sydrome"
Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I imagined this all. Maybe she's just a testy woman with no problems and I'm the pyscho. I could be an autistic idiot who doesn't even understand what's happening. Maybe that's why she gets angry at me, it's hard to deal with a crazy child?
My brother got into an arguement with me. Called me a "Fat, sweaty, stupid assed idiotic bitch." (While not really thinking about what he was saying.) my mom overheard him and said
"You forget retarded."
And cackled. It's like I'm a big lump of shit. My brother apoligized later (On his own account. No on made him.) and I forgave him. I could tell it was completely a at the moment thing. Yet my mom was so cruel. She sat and laughed after that was said to me. I feel like complete shit. I hate myself. I wish I were better. I wish their words didn't hurt me. I wish I could be quiet, so no one would yell at me for talking. I wish I was smarter, so no one would call me stupid or retarded. I wish I were completely different. I mean no one cares about anything I do. I cook, clean, do school, keep the yard neat, split and stack wood, do laundry and yet no one gives any shit.
I had a long talk with my sister yesterday, she agreed that it was unfair, and said that "She's getting worse with age" (My mother) so by the time I have enough money and education to move out I'll have killed myself. There is no way for me to last like this. I've tried enduring it, but it's like treading water, I'm just too tired to keep battling for my life. My sister's break from this are her friends. She has ten great really close friends, and she spends alot of nights with them. My brother simply kisses my mom's ass 24/7 to stay on her good side, and I, I have nothing. My brother took the ass kissing spot (Not that I would ever sink that low to please that bitch.) and I have no where to go. No friends around here, no bus service, no cars. I have an ATV but honestly how far would that get me? With a full tank of gas I would be lucky to make it to the end of our road. I feel isolated. In my house, away from friends, in my neighbourhood, away from anywhere else. In my life, as I'm the only one I have to rely on. Why did my mom have to be like this? Why couldn't we be a happy family? I Just want everyone to smile again. Shit. I'm crying too hard to even see what I'm typing. Until next time:

- Justin
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 18th 2011, 02:35 AM

You are amazing for putting up with all of that ridiculous shit from your mother, no offense intended. I think from your posts, you've inspired a lot of people, myself included. Justin, you're honest and true, and you don't mince words, which is something that I hate. You're fantastic. Have you ever thought of becoming a writer? Because the way you tell your story on here is capturing. I read every last word. You write very, very well. It's definitely something to think about. I can't say I know exactly the pain you're feeling, because my mom isn't depressed. But I suffer from it, and therefore I can sympathize. I'm sorry for what you have to go through. I live with two of possibly the worst parents in the world. I know what it feels like. Every year since I was ten, I'd sit and think to myself, 'well, when I'm eleven, things will be better. Next year, things will be better.' And it was always the same story: it didn't get better. My parents were still assholes, they still didn't care. And I hate my father, much the same way as you hate your mother. I wish him dead sometimes, and he probably deserves it from the way he treats not nly me but nearly everyone else, aside from his other two precious children( both of them boys), and his wife, my mother. It's a terrible feeling, but it isn't one to be ashamed of. Who says children are obligated to love their parents anyway? I don't remember that being a rule. Justin, keep posting, and I'll keep reading and supporting you. Message me if you ever want to talk. Hang in there, even though life is complete shit sometimes, remember to stay strong and know that you're the better person. Next time something really shitty happens, think of me and all of the rest of the people on TH who are genuinely here to support you. You're amazing.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 18th 2011, 02:48 AM

Damn, you made me smile. Every day that's a rarer and rarer occurance.
Thanks for the kind words. To be honest, I write alot of stories. Sometimes fanfictions (Often with completely original ideas, I simply change a few names to make it fit, more readers that way on the internet.) and some original ideas I keep to myself. Writing is always something that I've liked, because I can put a character in a bad situation and then somehow they get out of it. To me that's inspiring.
I really apreciate the kind words, right now I needed them.

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Re: My mom's depression - April 28th 2011, 01:58 PM

haven't been on here a while, and i read through all ur posts in this thread.. and i agree with paige, you should be a writer (: write about your life maybe, fiction maybe, half life-half fiction... whatever..



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Re: My mom's depression - April 28th 2011, 04:17 PM

Today has been pretty terrible. I had suck a great day at the courthouse yesterday... I went and watched some trials with a few people I can now consider friends. So I guess I now have some friends. That was at least a moral victory.
I guess I can't complain really.
I also found I'm not too far behind in math (And I'm ahead in Science balancing itself out.) and overall things have been fine, other than my mother who has been as hypocritical and crazy as normal.

Things had better get better soon. I can't think of any solution, not soon anyway. I feel sad and tired today. I just don't know anymore.

- Justin

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - April 30th 2011, 01:54 AM

Justin, I read all of your posts on this thread and I am amazed at how strong you are. I don't know anyone who could put up with even half the things you are going through right now. And I agree with the others, you are an AMAZING writer! Your words have brought me to tears.. Please hang in there, don't give up, you are never really alone no matter how much you might feel that way. Stay strong and if you want feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk to someone. You really are amazing Justin (:
   
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Re: My mom's depression - April 30th 2011, 02:07 AM

Thanks so much. I haven't had a very good day, it's nice to see that at least I'm not crazy, and that others agree that this is nuts. At least it's not just me. Some days I worry 'bout myself. You know I worry about my mental health too. I feel mentally beaten everyday.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 1st 2011, 07:08 PM

I feel so empty. Hollow, bored and tired. Tomorrow I have math homework, but I don't feel strong enough to do that. I just feel tired and angry, I'm fighting for my life, and yet I still need to do math homework. It just seems unfair.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 11th 2011, 03:54 AM

Rough day. To sum up the last 36 minutes my mom has called me:

Fat
Lazy
Bitchy
Whining
Faggot
Pathetic
Asshole
Shit face
Ugly
Stupid
Useless
Gay
Idiot
Moron
Ignorant
Arrogance
Selfish
Rude
Disrespectful

I will now adress each one:

Fat - The pot calls the kettle black
Lazy - The pot calls the kttle black
Bitchy - Isn't it bitchy to call someone bitchy?
Whiny - I do complain alot, deal with it
Faggot - I do not see how this attack on my sexuality should hurt me. I am straight and I am happy.
Pathetic - Says the 200 pound housewife with no job, no education, no friends, no skills who sleeps eighteen hours a day whining about depression she won't seek help for.
Asshole - Takes on to know one.
Shit face - I do not see how my face is made of fecal matter.
Ugly - Matter of opinion. I have recieved a fair amount of compliments that disagree.
Stupid - Grades, teachers and anyone I come in contact with say otherwise...
Useless - Possilby but unlikely
Gay - See faggot
Idiot - See Stupid
Moron - See Stupid
Ignorant - Yet she is too ignorant to see I am suicidal.
Arrogant - Fair game. It is to say my "Fatal flaw"
Selfish - Could go with arrogant, but I don't feel that I am.
Rude - Could go with arrogant which I feel I am, could go with selfish which I feel I am not.
Disrespectful - I only give respect to those who deserve it.

I feel the need to respond to each of her nasty comments on here, just to set the records straight. None of her words hurt other than "Pathetic" because it mirrors how I feel about myself. She's a lying racist homophobic bitch.

a few days ago she saw a man wearing badges, meaning he served our country. I quietly went over and thanked him for his service. To which he simply smiled and nodded briefly. However we had to line up behind him in the store to which my mother began ranting about how the "War in Iraq is a total waste of time and money, and is just feeding idiots into the meat grinder. Anyone who enlists is an idiot who wants to get himself killed. They are total morons who are too busy taking meth to even see what they're doing. They just want to win the war so they have more area to grow weed, have gay sex and start gangs." Needless to say, I feel in this case it was okay to feel embarassed of my parents.

Oh and my keyboard is all screwed up, the arrow keys on my keyboard are broken.

And earlier before she went all crazy I tried to genuinly open up to her and shared a story I wrote. I painstakingly made it just to impress her. She was putting a log into the fire place when I told her, and she grabbed the whole thing, all nine pages and burnt it. I had it saved to my computer and posted it on this site so at least someone can enjoy it. But her lack of interest and effort makes me sad. I really tried to please my mummy. I tried so hard to make mummy happy. I'm a goddamn cry baby. I don't know why she even bothers me to tears anymore. I guess I'm just weak. Goodnight Teen help. I'll see you tomorrow.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 13th 2011, 02:20 AM

Hmm, my mom has had a nasty day as usual. I googled some articles about depression and it's effects on people, as well as friend and family, children in particular. I found out that my feelings are normal, it's normal for parents to feel they hate their children, it's normal for anxiety and stuff to take place. I guess is this the normal sub norm. I feel relieved, but sad too, knowing others are going through the same thing. Too little research and effort has been put into the studies of depression's effects on the family dynamic.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 13th 2011, 02:26 AM

I feel I should share this article:
http://articles.latimes.com/2010/mar...ssion-20100315

"Problems begin early, as the infants of depressed mothers cry more than other babies. They have greater fear of strangers and less tolerance for frustration, according to the report."

I do get frustrated easily, and I do fear strangers very much. Really weird.


"Starting in preschool, kids with depressed parents are more likely than classmates to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Across all stages of childhood, they have more behavior problems at school and higher rates of depression and anxiety disorders."

I do not have ADD or ADHD, and no symptoms. I have no behavior problems, but I do suffer from a variety of depressional and anxiety related problems.

"By adolescence, children with depressed parents have poorer social relations than the teens of parents who aren't depressed,"

Yes.

"and they're more likely to be dependent on alcohol and drugs,"

And that is why I will never, until the day I die even sample alcohol or drugs. Hence Straight Edge. I was thrilled when I found an actual name for it.

"Depression in parents also is linked to poorer academic performance, according to studies in the report."

Kind of. I mean I'm smart, I won't sugar coat it, however I cannot concentrate due to worry, fear and anxiety.

I refuse to allow it to change me anymore. In my hopes and dreams I have no place for side effects. Therefore I will refuse to budge.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 13th 2011, 11:25 PM

Another day filled with name calling. I need to ask this... Am I really selfish? Am I pathetic? Do I have my head in the clouds?

I feel so confused.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 18th 2011, 04:44 AM

As awful as it is, I find it interesting that you so closely match the sterotype you mentioned a few posts earlier. I don't think you're pathetic, selfish, a faggot, lazy, bitchy, etc. I like you. I find you to be quite an interesting and kind person.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - May 18th 2011, 02:33 PM

Hmm, a good last few days. It really makes me feel better about myself and for once I have hope.

the.real: Another article (Could've been that one) said 1 in 5 people are depressed, but 50% are undiagnosed and 50% of the earlier 50% do not even know they are dealing with depression. Out of those 1 in five people, 55% are parents.
This means that many other people are fighting the same thing as me right now. Maybe some not as bad, some worse. It's really amazing that so many other kids are doing what I'm doing.

And it may make me selfish. But I don't want to be some recluse freak when I'm older. If her actions will change that...

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 25th 2011, 06:14 PM

A bad day. My mom has had a great four, actually five days. It's been nice. Today I needed help studying for a math test. My mom has beeng great so I asked her. I felt like a family!

That changed. She kept redoing the same questions even once we arrived at the correct answer. She finally found a question we couldn't get through. Two hours we spent trying to figure it out. I kept recomending we look at the pretest, considering that had questions similair. She argued that I was wrong and that the pretest was stupid.

I was obviously grumpy because I KNEW the pretest could figure it out. I guess I was bratty for being grouchy, but she freaked out. Called me "Fucking too stupid to do anything right!" Told me "Even grocery clerks need to know more than you do!" and told me I would "Never amount to anything." she smashed up my room by throwing chairs and shit. She told me my point of veiw was wrong and she hates me. I kept calm, chilled and sat there blurrying her out until she hit me. I am not ashamed to admit I broke down.

I cried a good lot and she berated me because of it. I did nothing wrong. I cried because of the emotional trauma her hitting me causes me. I'm still I kid. I want mommy to take care of me. All young mamals and even animals in general want that.

I've tried so hard to make her happy. I helped her in the garden, made lunch and supper, been nicer to my siblings, and yet she still isn't hapyy.

She might think I'm too stupid to do anything, but I do not need the math skills of a grocery clerk to know how many pills I need to take to end it all.

What am I saying? I don't want to die. I want to prove a point. I don't think suicide is the right way to deal with it...

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 28th 2011, 01:03 PM

I've just read your thread and it reminded me of when my mum died and my Dad was severely depressed. He wouldn't eat for months (in fact, the doctor said the amount of cream he had in his coffee actually kept him alive ), he would sleep for hours and hours, he would cry and he would sometimes fly off the handle. I once got a level 6 in my SATS in English, and he had a go at me and told me if I was so clever at English, I would have got a Level 7 (which would have happened if my hayfever didn't decide to start the day of the English exams).
Its hard and when a parent won't admit there's a problem, its even harder. From personal experience though and from what I've seen, admitting you have depression usually carries a stigma as most people don't view it as an illness as it doesn't show physically. People think you're crazy, mental, attnetion seeking- this could be a few reasons why your mum refuses to get help. Plus, she could think she's okay.
You need to tell an adult though. Especially if she's hitting you and her moods are swinging like crazy. She can't help her depression, but its hard on you. Especially if its you that she's taking it out on.

If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. I hope I've been some sort of help.
   
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Re: My mom's depression - May 28th 2011, 02:10 PM

xRtx: See, I've told friends and stuff and they also assume I'm crazy or attention seeking. They tell me depression can't cause actions this crazy. She does get help with meds, but she needs a doctor. I mean some days she's good but others she isn't. I honestly think it's stemming from her childhood. Her dad died when she was eight. Decapitated from what I've heard. Her mother hooked up with an abusive boyfriend and as I mentioned in some of my other endless posts he might have sexually abused her as well as verbally and physically. She is such a strong person, but she doesn't understand shy she cannot fight it alone. I dunno, my dad knows, her mom knows too, but recently my mom told me her mother always told her any problems were "No big deal" and I can assume it was the same with depression. For alot of reasons we don't talk to her anymore. My dad tries so hard, but most days it doesn't really help. I really apreciate the post though, it really makes me feel better knowing someone has went through the same thing, because many support me, but I wonder if it's all just in my head and if I really am just attention seeking. But I guess it's true.

- Justin



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Re: My mom's depression - May 28th 2011, 03:44 PM

If you were attention seeking, you would have told people for attention. You may have lied about it. Instead, your mum is ill and you need help as does she. Depression sometimes can cause people to act in wierd ways.Plus meds sometimes don't sort it all out, they do need someone to talk to. I know this is hard for you and I can guess how hard it is for your mum as well. And being ill with depression can make you worry that if you go to the doctors you'll get sent to the mental health ward.
You do need to take care of yourself as well. I know you said you were homeschooled, but I'm guessing you have some contact with the teachers there. Can't you try talking to them as they may have an idea in what direction to point you to and what resources there are. Even if not for your mum, even if its for you, so you don't feel so helpless in how your mum is
   
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