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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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What now? - March 10th 2011, 08:43 PM

It feels like I've been going to therapy for quite sometime and I've been on medication for over a year now. Although my temper is finally under control along with a few other things, my depression has remained. No matter what the medicine, the dosage, or the therapy... nothing has helped my depression or my anxiety.

Today I had another therapy session and it was quite disappointing. I'm finally actually wanting to get better, like truly trying. I've managed to stop cutting thanks to my boyfriend, but the feelings are still as strong, and I'm finding myself even more suicidal. I just want it all to end so bad, but I have no idea what to do. This is the third... maybe the fourth I think therapist that I have talked to, and at the end of the session today she was stumped, just like all the others. She asked me if I even still wanted to keep coming because nothing could really work.

My impulsiveness makes it impossible to stop negative thoughts before they hit and a flood of emotions always overwhelms me. There's no stopping it in its tracks and no coping mechanism has yet to work. She has no idea what to tell me, none of them did after many sessions. It's apparently pointless for me to keep going. There's nothing that anyone can do, and nothing that I try makes it any better. I'm just a helpless case I suppose.

What am I supposed to do now? Just suffer until I finally can't take it anymore?


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
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Re: What now? - March 10th 2011, 10:40 PM

I think a starting point could be to turn to your boyfriend once again. He has helped you to stop cutting, so he might as well be able to give you that push to get better. You'd have to ask him if he doesn't mind you dumping your thoughts on him, though. If he really loves you, I don't see a problem.

Another thing you could try is create a custom outlet for your emotions. Talking about it only helps a bit, therapists don't know what to do, so we have to improvise. Give writing a try. Write down all your feelings, in first person or third person, try to be as detailed as possible. Write it all down and let it go. Either let someone read it or store it, but get it out, clear your mind a bit.

Good luck!





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Re: What now? - March 11th 2011, 10:55 AM

Hey Jessica,

I'm thinking perhaps you should see a psychiatrist for another diagnosis. The more you describe your situation, your feelings, etc., the more it sounds like they're missing some things.

I was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder not too long ago, and some of the things you've described sound like they could go along with such, even some of the psychotic symptoms. I was told that things such as hallucinations, paranoia, and the such that would seem like a sign of Schizophrenia, weren't major enough to be such, but do fall under a Borderline symptom that isn't common, but does happen. Also, impulsiveness, even with self-harm/suicidal tendencies, are other symptoms of BPD. And yes, that could easily explain the violent lashing out too.

If you happen to fall in the Borderline Personality Disorder category, medication isn't really going to work, and you'd need a special kind of therapy called DBT, or CBT, depending on where you go and which is used. They're both very similar, from what the psychiatrist described to me (long story as to why I'm not in it yet, PM me if you wish to know), and well, with Borderline Personality Disorder, they frown upon treatment with medication, even for the Depression symptoms.

So, though I'm not saying you definitely have Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm saying its something you may want to consider talking about with a psychiatrist. You'd be surprised how well a psychiatrist will respond to a friend (whether online or now) giving their opinion on something wrong. When I told my psychiatrist what my one close online friend said (about being sure I have BPD and Bipolar), my psychiatrist thought it sounded reasonable and looked further into it.


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Re: What now? - March 11th 2011, 05:29 PM

I honestly have thought about BPD, and it does explain a lot, but I thought about others even more. I honestly have no idea what's going on with me and niether do ANY of the psyciatrists, psychologists, nurse practitioners, therapists... out of everyone I have seen they all say.. I don't know. I've talked to countless people and been referred to different people to talk to them. They tell me I meet the criteria for depression, but I have other symptoms that depression does not explain and I don't meet the criteria for bipolar disorder, so they just say I don't know try this medicine. Ughhh. How many more doctors am I supposed to talk to? Even the ones at the hospital were like... ughhhh yeah I don't know It's too soon to say. Rawr.

However, they never even considered something besides depression or bipolar, so maybe there is something else beyond that, that's missing. It surprises me that they have not tried to really think about what's wrong. I've been thinking that if so many different professionals are all saying, they have no idea then maybe I'm just super wierd or something. They can't all overlook something other than just a mood disorder right? One of them suggested that I'm possibly just developing bipolar disorder which to me sounds sooo wrong. I think whatever it is, is already here in full force. How many more people will I have to hurt or how many more times do I have to hurt myself before something is done? I'm just like a walking danger to the world and myself. I mean GEEZ. I've thought about it a lot, but would it make that much of a difference?

I don't know what to say to my psychiatrist. I wouldn't know where to start to try and suggest that something else may be wrong besides a mood disorder. He has given me all this medicine. Antidepressants for depression, antispsycotics for the anger and agitation, and mood stabilizors for the rest I suppose. Even with all these meds, I'm just calmer. My depression has even gotten WORSE. So what does that mean? I have depression? If antidepressants make bipolar worse, can mood stabilizors make depression worse? I started to think that maybe with the anger being taken control over that instead of it vanishing it's just being turned into more depression. Lovely. Not what I had in mind.

How can I explain to him that maybe there's something else? Where do I start?


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"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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Re: What now? - March 11th 2011, 05:45 PM

Well, first of all, explain that the medications aren't working. Then, start saying how you've had a friend, who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, tell you that you should be checked for it. Because thats what it sounds like to me, the mood swings (that aren't strong enough to be Bipolar), the violence, the psychosis, the depression that seems to be medicine-resistant, the impulsiveness (like with the self-harm urges coming on suddenly), the dependence to your boyfriend, and/or others close to you (yes, that is another symptom that I myself have), it seems like it would make the most sense.

If you say that someone you know who is concerned about your well-being, who has a lot of the same symptoms, and was diagnosed with BPD is telling you to look into it, hopefully your doctor will consider it. If not, then try to see a new doctor.


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Re: What now? - March 11th 2011, 10:29 PM

I'm sorry your therapists haven't helped at all, but you have to remember that medicine is only one way you can take to feel better. I was suicidal too, by I opted to go the more natural way. Why don't you try and eat healthy, hanging out with friends (not just your boyfriend) at least 3 times a week, and exercise regularly? (especially when it's sunny).

Sometimes medicine can only do so much. When it doesn't help, you have to understand that life's not over; you just have to try some other approach. Tell a close friend if you need to, go take a walk around the block if it's what you really want to do.

Also, depression just naturally heals over time. People who commit suicide are the people who don't have the patience to wait around to see the turn-around. I'm sure you're stronger than that so just wait it out, and you'll see what I'm talking about!


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Re: What now? - March 11th 2011, 11:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carpe Diem View Post
Depression just naturally heals over time. People who commit suicide are the people who don't have the patience to wait around to see the turn-around. I'm sure you're stronger than that so just wait it out, and you'll see what I'm talking about!
I have a feeling either you didn't read the whole post, or you don't understand the nature of mental illnesses.

You do realize that the OP was talking about her ordeal with trying to get a mental health diagnosis, right? She may have an imbalance of chemicals in the brain (which medicine is NEEDED to correct, at least temporarily), or an issue caused by events that have gone on in her life, which usually requires therapy to get over.

If everything was as simple as "Eat right and go out", there wouldn't be Psychiatrists, Therapists, etc. available to diagnose mental illnesses.

Please, for future reference, read posts thoroughly and try to reply with relevant, helpful answers. We're all entitled to mistakes, to error is human, but please, be more careful to read through a thread before responding, especially on such a sensitive topic.


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Re: What now? - March 12th 2011, 12:47 AM

I'll do just that. I'll write it down too so I don't forget because knowing me, I will. Thank you and maybe if they put me on the right treatment plan something will change, and I'll get better.

Carpe Diem, I've tried the all natural way. I've tried all natural medicines, eating right and exersising. My dad is a huge health nut, so I tried it his way, too and still nothing. It's hard for me to see my friends with a controling mom, even though I'm over 18. Life's just very difficult right now. Even despite my mom, I've been keeping myself isolated from everyone except my boyfriend. I'm sick of loosing all my friends, so.. if I don't get close, I don't have to get hurt. I've just staying kept to myself except for my boyfriend who I know I've become insanely dependant on, and I know it's not good, but it's better than being back on suicide watch. I know that the healthy way can and does often work, because of what often sets the chemicals offbalance in the first place, but it does have its limits as everything else. Sometimes it takes more, it's a mixture of things that are needed, and that mixture varies depending on everyone's needs.

Oh, and Julz, I never got the guts to tell my psyciatrist about any of the stuff that I'm worried could be psychosis. I hinted to him, but he didn't catch it and was more concerned about other things. I don't know how to explain to him what's going on in a way he would understand.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: What now? - March 12th 2011, 04:16 AM

Jess, write it down. Just, write it and hand him the paper, in the way you explained it to me. Its their job to analyze, and figure out, what you're saying and what you're getting to. I've written things down in notes when they've been something concerning, such as hallucination stuff, and mood fluctuations in an extreme.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
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Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
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