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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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i will never forgive myself - March 16th 2011, 06:21 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

the following post mabe be disturbing to some readers..so read with caution..

this is only the begining of my story...


On august 12th ,1989...i woke up around noon and called my best freind Diana..

as soon as i got on the phone..a family member told me that she was dead

Now since i woke from a deep sleep..I didnt pay too much attention to it..so i went back to bed and didnt think anything of it..

so i got up that night and took a shower..as i was washing my hair..i got this really horrible feeling inside that something was very wrong.

I got out of the shower around 7pm that night and the phone rang..it was Diana's father..

He had told me that he had just come home from work that night to find his eighteen year old daughter hanging from a noose in the garage..

I was on the phone with him for 45 mins..unable to breathe..unable to cry..unable to scream..

but inside i was screaming...THIS IS NOT HAPPENING..THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

she died on august 10th..two days before.

i feel that she is dead because of me...its my fault..ALL OF IT!

i wasnt there for her when she needed me the most..i should have said something..i should have done something..and i didnt..

im a awful and horrible person.i didnt go to her furneral.. i never visited her grave.i didnt get a chance to say goodbye..im such a selfish person.

i dont want to go through another anniversary alone...

i should pay the price for what i did..i couldnt save my best freinds life..

as i stated before..this is only the begining of my story..there is along way to go..befor i am done

feel like killing myself right now
Drew
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 16th 2011, 06:55 AM

I am sorry to hear about your friend. Its an awful situation i know. One of my best friends killed herself and i was blaming myself. I should have said something. What if i had of done something? should i have know? The chances are that she wouldn't have let anyone know just how bad things are. I know this is an awful situation and for a while you will blame yourself. But you have to know that it is NOT your fault. I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to tragically cut your life short to. So you should carry on fighting for your friend. You have to try and think of all the good times that you shared together and try and think positivly. I know this is really hard to do especially after something as awful as this happens but the only way you will get through is to think positivly.
Also do you know why she did it? If you know why this can often help to make you understand the situation a little better
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 16th 2011, 07:20 AM

I am so terribly sorry to hear this. So sorry for your loss. I have had some friends that have passed away, so I totally relate to how you feel. If she were still living, she would not want you to do it. I agree with what the poster above me mentioned, you have to fight against suicide for the both of you. She wasn't able to fight it, but you can. You should take a vow, "Since I lost my best friend to suicide, I'm not going to give into suicide. I am better than that. Life is so much worth living." I know so many people would be devastated if you were to do the same thing. Including your friend. I know she would also be devastated if you decided to do it. If you still want to talk about it, we are here to help. It might be hard for you to grieve her death. I can understand. But we are here to support and help you.


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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 18th 2011, 05:52 AM

well the truth is...

i talked to her the night beofre she died..there was no indication of suicide..she never talked about it...or threated it...and she seemed to be so normal...

like i said before..this is just the begining of my story...it will lead up to the worst momment of my entire life...

Drew
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 18th 2011, 04:07 PM

Exactly so there were no signs for you to pick up on so it is not even as if you could have know
I know right now your questioning every decision and thing you did but as awful as it is it has happened now and you can't change it no matter How much you want to
What else is bothering you if you want to talk about it i'm always here and happy to listen. I know How hard this situation is and can relate to it easily so if you want to talk feel free to pm me
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 18th 2011, 04:25 PM

Drew, I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I know what it's like to feel guilty after a suicide, I've felt guilty over one for almost 8 years now. Based on what you've said so far, there was no indication, no warning signs, so you had no idea. You are NOT a horrible person, even if it feels that way. You did the best you could, if you had known, you would've done differently. I don't think she would want you to feel guilty for the rest of your life, and I know she wouldn't want you to kill yourself because of this. Please hold on. If it helps, take things one day/hour/minute at a time and find people to talk to about how you're feeling. Deal with your grief however you need to without hurting yourself.

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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 19th 2011, 05:50 AM

i dont want to

and besides...this isnt the end of my story..its only the begining...there are a lot of bad stuff that hapened to me

once im done telling my story..i thinik everyone here will be left speechless
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 19th 2011, 06:13 AM

There was nothing you could have done, Drew. There were no indications, no warning signs, it is a terrible loss yes, but you could not have done anything to prevent it. It is something so terrible, I am sorry for your lose and her families.


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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 19th 2011, 10:04 PM

Mate, you're not a horrible person at all! You said yourself there were no indications so it's not your fault at all - it's just a shame she didn't tell you..

Don't do anything silly though, because if you do what she did, it will make people end up in the situation you're currently in and we don't want that, do we?

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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 22nd 2011, 05:42 AM

if i only told her that i loved her
mabye..just mabye she would not have done it

she didnt even graduate high school..what a "best freind"..i sure turned out to be.
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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 22nd 2011, 10:58 AM

Im sure she knew that you loved her
And there is nothing you could have done to stop her so don't waste time questioning what you could have done. This was her decision and you have to respect that.
And im sure you were an amazing best friend and she was lucky to have you. I'm sure you helped her get through tough times when she was alive x


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Re: i will never forgive myself - March 22nd 2011, 01:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Miss You View Post
if i only told her that i loved her
mabye..just mabye she would not have done it

she didnt even graduate high school..what a "best freind"..i sure turned out to be.
I'm sure she knew you loved her and that you were a great best friend, and even if you want to argue with that, no one is perfect. You can go over the what if's in your head for the rest of your life, but the only thing that will do is keep you feeling guilty over something that you can't change. I lived with the what if's from a similar situation for almost 8 years so I know how it feels not to be able to let it go. I know she wouldn't want you to feel guilty, maybe that's why she didn't show any warning, she didn't want anyone to feel guilty that they tried to help and couldn't stop her. Of course we'll never know that. You were her best friend and the last thing she would want would be that you beat yourself up over this for the rest of your life.


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