Triggering (Suicide): Hahaha I really am the biggest idiot, like he said.

[Lost_Confused]

The guy i fell for is always calling me an idiot, and even said that i should go die once. It was just once, so i brushed it off and forgot about it until now.
Which i just realized, is very true, i am the biggest idiot.
I thought we had something going on, you know? He really did act like he liked me sometimes. But now i just realized he just wants in my pants, basically abuses me, and the only thing that he said when his dad asked about me was that i was annoying when they thought i was asleep in the car.

Great. Now i'm back to my pre-depressed state.
I was doing great, until today.
I'll probably take his advice, guess i'm not good enough to have around.


And i can't think about anything, i'll drive myself insane. I'm bi, a few people know including one of my sisters and i want to tell my mom, but i can't until i move out since she'll practically kill me or disown me, I want to go to college to work for automobile repair and mechanics, but everyone i talk to about it shoots it down saying that it's dirty, and it doesn't make much money and that i shouldn't do it. It's what i want to do, why do they have to ruin it? I know i shouldn't let what they say get to me, but after what happened today, i'm starting to break down. I had let my wall down, and actually felt feelings for once, felt great, but now i'm quickly building the wall back up and my feelings are slowly shutting down. Awesome.

[Katrina]

Hey Veronica,

Glad you decided to post today. I regret hearing that you've been going through such a rough time right now.

As far as the guy goes, I don't think you're an idiot at all. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's absolutely not health for you at all. If he's physically AND verbally (yes, verbally) abusing you, that's simply not okay! He's definitely not someone you need to be around, and I highly encourage you to break things off before they get worse. The vicious cycles involved in abuse just aren't something you need to be a part of, especially when you've already got so many other things going on. I can't comment on the relationship since I only know a wee bit about it, but from the sounds of things, it just doesn't sound like its helping you right now.


Its HARD to feel vulnerable, Veronica. I found it to be one of the most difficult things to finally swallow my pride and lean on my friends for help. I used to like to always do things myself, but I realize now that there's great strength found in knowing when its okay to throw out your red "help me!" flags and ask for help. I do encourage you to look into talking to others and trying to find some outside support as you go through this.


If you ever need anything, please feel free to let me know. Take good care of yourself.

[Blair]

Hey Veronica,
You're not an idiot. You're human and a girl of 17. Getting played buy a guy is something most teenage girls (reguardless of their intelect) are gonna do at some point. I know from recent experience how much it hurts to get used by someone you thought you had a deeper connection to. I'm not gonna lie, it may hurt for a while. But I promise it does get better in time. Something about your post that I found worrisome though was you letting him talk to you that way and don't seem to think he was wrong in saying those awful things to you. I hope you know you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration and will be by any guy whose worth your time. As far as your sexuality, you love whomever you find loveable and as long as it's someone who deserves your affection, reguardless if their gender, your parents should be happy for you. If they're not understanding of it that's their problem not yours. And with your job, be what you wanna be. Everyone has different passions and talents. The best we can all hope for is to someday be doing what we love and fulfilling our dreams. If that's yours then go for it!

[Lost_Confused]

The funny thing is, I've always said that i would never get into another abusive relationship. (My sister physically and verbally abused me from when i was about 5 to about 8 or 9, which is why i don't remember much about my childhood. Blocked most of my memories. Then my mom was verbally abusive from when i was 12 until i was i think 14. So i've had history of abuse.) I was also played by a guy before, so i thought i was going to be smarter and pick someone to put my heart into that actually cared, but apparently he doesn't.

Is it actually abuse though if you say something the guy doesn't like, and he wrestles you to the floor and and/or spanks you and gives you wedgies, and leaves bruises because his grip is so strong? (And shoves ice down your pants and bra, and bends your arms and legs back until they feel like they're about to break?) I def. know it's sexual, but is it technically abuse?

And here i am. We aren't "dating", but we're more than friends. Or so i thought.

Another funny thing: I'm living with him. My mom and i are living with his mom until my mom gets enough money to live by ourselves. And he's in college, so he's living with his mom until he can move out.

[Blair]

If he hurts you like that it's definately abuse. He's not treating you with the gentleness and respect you deserve

[Lost_Confused]

Oh. I guess some abused people become abusers after all. (He went through the same thing i did, he was abused by his brother.) What do i do? I haven't finished high school, i don't have a job, i don't have money so i can't move out... Well, i do, but i'm saving for tires for my car because two tires are completely busted.

[Blair]

You've gotta talk to someone who can be of more help than I can or Katrina can. We care alot about you and anyone on here is happy to listen and give any advice we can but ultimately you've gotta tell someone who can help keep you safe hon

[Lost_Confused]

Yeah...

I'm really confused right now. Like, earlier we flipped each other off, and after he did i said you want to. And then i turned around and started to walk away, and he smacked my butt. Which to me means that he does. But would you want to have sex with someone you thought was annoying? Or would someone be that desperate?
I don't know... I really really like him, but yet, i don't at all. I want to be with him, but i also don't. I want to be there for him, but i also want to be gone forever.

I don't know what to do..

[Anala]

I would say try to get back into high school? Have something to occupy your mind, take things off. Also, as for him, he's an abuser. I'd say just back off and take it slow for the moment, as hard as that is.

I don't know. All I can say is hang in there.

[Lost_Confused]

I am still in high school, i just haven't finished yet, i'm just a junior.

[Lost_Confused]

Well, today after i get back from getting my permit, and "him" and my mom go to work, then i'm going to do it.

Guess this is goodbye. Thanks for everyone's advice, i really do like this site, everyone's so helpful.

Bye. <3