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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Eater of Delicious Goods
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My mom found out... - March 21st 2011, 09:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(Let me know if this is in the wrong category, I just put it here, *shrug* )

Ahhhh, Okay. I'm new here. Nice to meet you, my names Nikki. *wave* Someone posted the link to this site on my yahoo question and I wanted to scope it out.
Soooooooooooo, Long post. Just warning you guys...

Alright. The other day, things were going good for my mom and I for the first time in awhile. Like, this past month hasn't been too bad. The other day, I talked her into letting me go to a Paper Tongues concert with my friends since the tickets were free and she said yes. When I got home at about 10 that night, I was greeted to her on the phone. So I went about my own business, still excited about the concert and when she got off the phone she announced I was going to go to New York and stay with my aunt for 3 weeks. This shocked me, this was out of nowhere and after a few minutes she revealed she had 'cleaned my room' and she read my journal.
Y'know, that silly little fucking book where I had all the times I had cut, wanted to cut or just jump in front of a bus.
She yelled at me, about how every parent and their kids fight when I told her that she was the reason I wanted to die.
Let me clear something up, my mother is an alcoholic and she was abused as a child herself. Not that either of those are excuses but she verbally abuses me. Every other word out of her mouth is something bad. If not about me then someone else. She home schools me and that isn't necessarily a bad thing aside from the fact that she doesn't let me have friends aside from that.
My best friend, Megan is also home schooled so we've been able to establish a once a week day where I can go and hang out. I can't spend the night because my mom says I only want to go over there to have sex or do drugs. Even though I'm afraid of sex AND drugs.
So this morning, she told me how she wasn't shipping me off to N.Y after all. Why?
"Because I don't think I should put my problem on someone else."
Yep. So that pretty much clarify's why I cut myself and hate her with a passion when she says the things she does, which is so unlike me it hurts.
I really have done a pretty damn good keeping this all under wraps, especially from her. I started cutting when I was 11 and she knows I did once, the first time. She thinks it was the last but I've routinely cut since then. Usually there were week to month breaks in between. But NOW, she knows everything. I don't know how much she read and I don't have the heart or mind to ask. She is a nurse so, I do not have a therapist, guidance counselor, doctor. Nada. The last time I was at the doctor was two years ago, when SHE had to go. I have called BoysTown, I've emailed help sites. I just have nothing at this point. My family is full of nosy people who really don't give a damn about me. My older brother lives in Maine and he has his own things to take care of and there is no father figure in my life. My friends know...To an extent. My best friend found about my cutting and suicidal thoughts last nights when I texted her about it.
I would just like some advice to stay sane until I turn 18. If I tried to take her to court over this I would never forgive myself. She would commit suicide and that would be my fault in addition to everything else. I HAVE a place to stay with my best friend, her mom said so. But there is no way out at the moment. Unless my mother dies and I get some kind of choice. Not that I wish death on her.
Sorry this is so long, I just need some help.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom found out... - March 22nd 2011, 07:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NikkiRAWR View Post
(Let me know if this is in the wrong category, I just put it here, *shrug* )

Ahhhh, Okay. I'm new here. Nice to meet you, my names Nikki. *wave* Someone posted the link to this site on my yahoo question and I wanted to scope it out.
Soooooooooooo, Long post. Just warning you guys...

Alright. The other day, things were going good for my mom and I for the first time in awhile. Like, this past month hasn't been too bad. The other day, I talked her into letting me go to a Paper Tongues concert with my friends since the tickets were free and she said yes. When I got home at about 10 that night, I was greeted to her on the phone. So I went about my own business, still excited about the concert and when she got off the phone she announced I was going to go to New York and stay with my aunt for 3 weeks. This shocked me, this was out of nowhere and after a few minutes she revealed she had 'cleaned my room' and she read my journal.
Y'know, that silly little fucking book where I had all the times I had cut, wanted to cut or just jump in front of a bus.
She yelled at me, about how every parent and their kids fight when I told her that she was the reason I wanted to die.
Let me clear something up, my mother is an alcoholic and she was abused as a child herself. Not that either of those are excuses but she verbally abuses me. Every other word out of her mouth is something bad. If not about me then someone else. She home schools me and that isn't necessarily a bad thing aside from the fact that she doesn't let me have friends aside from that.
My best friend, Megan is also home schooled so we've been able to establish a once a week day where I can go and hang out. I can't spend the night because my mom says I only want to go over there to have sex or do drugs. Even though I'm afraid of sex AND drugs.
So this morning, she told me how she wasn't shipping me off to N.Y after all. Why?
"Because I don't think I should put my problem on someone else."
Yep. So that pretty much clarify's why I cut myself and hate her with a passion when she says the things she does, which is so unlike me it hurts.
I really have done a pretty damn good keeping this all under wraps, especially from her. I started cutting when I was 11 and she knows I did once, the first time. She thinks it was the last but I've routinely cut since then. Usually there were week to month breaks in between. But NOW, she knows everything. I don't know how much she read and I don't have the heart or mind to ask. She is a nurse so, I do not have a therapist, guidance counselor, doctor. Nada. The last time I was at the doctor was two years ago, when SHE had to go. I have called BoysTown, I've emailed help sites. I just have nothing at this point. My family is full of nosy people who really don't give a damn about me. My older brother lives in Maine and he has his own things to take care of and there is no father figure in my life. My friends know...To an extent. My best friend found about my cutting and suicidal thoughts last nights when I texted her about it.
I would just like some advice to stay sane until I turn 18. If I tried to take her to court over this I would never forgive myself. She would commit suicide and that would be my fault in addition to everything else. I HAVE a place to stay with my best friend, her mom said so. But there is no way out at the moment. Unless my mother dies and I get some kind of choice. Not that I wish death on her.
Sorry this is so long, I just need some help.

well first all of nice to meet you nkki...*waves back*..

im sorry that your mom's a alcoholic...*big hugs*

but that doesnt give the right to treat you that way...what she says to you is wrong...

and it also doesnt give her the right to manipulate you that way either...

i think its time that your mother went into rehab...for her addiction...she needs to know that she is hurting you by her behavior...

i hope this helps:
Drew

PS:u can pm me anytime you need too
  Send a message via MSN to I Miss You  
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom found out... - March 22nd 2011, 10:12 AM

Firstly Hello Nikki and welcome to teen help

Im sorry that your going through such a hard time right now noone should have to If you ever need anyone to talk/rant to feel free to pm me i would be more than happy to listen and try and help

Sorry that your moms an alcoholic this must be tough but you have to remember that its not your fault at all. My dads an alcoholic and i often feel as if its my own fault but you have to know that its not. Luckily i dont have to live with my dad though. Maybe you could find a place to escape when things get to much, such as in your room or garden or something. When i get upset i used to lock myself in the bathroom for hours until my mom removed the lock and now i just sit in my room. It can help to escape for a while sometimes.
I dont think your mom has any right to send you away because of your cutting and how you feel. Maybe when you have both calmed down a little try talking to her and explaining how that wont help. I know you may cut because of your mom but i still don't think you should have said that. Imagine who you would feel if your child had said that to you. I think you should apologise and try to encourage your mom do get help for her problem. She will be reluctant and it will be hard but hopefully what she read will encourage her to get the help she needs.
I know what its like to be asked awkward questions reguarding suicide and cutting so if you really cant answer these dont but i will encourage you to seek help from a professional such as a counselor and talk to them about it as this will help you. But it won't be easy and it is not quick and instant but it will work and be worth it and you are strong and brave so can do it <3
I hope this helps if you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to pm me x


xxxxxxx Take care xxxxxxx

If you ever need ANYTHING just ask (:
Feel Free to leave me a message anytime:
VmPM

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom found out... - March 22nd 2011, 07:11 PM

omg, your story is so so sad. first of all i am so sorry that your mum is an alchaholic and that she verbally abuses you. You have got to realise it is the alchahol talking, the way she was brought up to . IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT, please dont ever ever think that it is. I cut too and i have some scars on ym arm and i hate them. i know its really hard, like an addiction but please dont do it. try to stop. do anything else like draw,sing,write a poem, write down how you fel and if you can why you fell it scream,stab an orange, hit a pillow, talk to a guidance counsellor, call the sammaritans, call children in need. anything. if you can figure out why you fel the way you do then you can solve it bit by bit. i know that constant remarks and insults can be extremly depressing and get you down. you have got to realise they are not true. i ahvent met you and i havent heard you but you sound a little lost but amazing. id love to meet you. Your a nice person who doesnt deserve this. is there anything you can do that will build trust? that is aht is lacking. trust is te foundation. have you tried to tell your mum how you feel about her reading your diary? atleast she knows now and i assume she will help you but i know thats not always the case. shes blaiming you because she doesn't want to face the fact shes as bad as the parents that beat her, your not to blaim and she needs to realise that. it sounds liek you love her still and thats amazing, try to keep hold of that and remind yourself of it when your feling down. if you ned anything else m me . please though:
@ talk to your mum
@tell a friend
@tell your friends mum
@ try and get a guidance meeting with a therapist or samaritan.
@write a diary and every day give yourself a compliment or write down something you have acheived , some thing good someone has told you.
@ i dont know how old you are but try to reasone with your mum about going out and meeting friends in safe environment,s she could be overly protective in which case start of with something small to build trust eg, a school event , let ehr talk to your friends parents, give her clear details, check in, dont go behind her back.

i hope hope hope everything goes ok. please try to stop cutting it isnt your fault at all, pm me if you need ANYTHING else. ok? xxxx love pixie xxx hope i helped. keep goign your precious, your the victim <3


Change the voices in your head,
make them like you instead
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom found out... - March 23rd 2011, 02:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Miss You View Post
well first all of nice to meet you nkki...*waves back*..

im sorry that your mom's a alcoholic...*big hugs*

but that doesnt give the right to treat you that way...what she says to you is wrong...

and it also doesnt give her the right to manipulate you that way either...

i think its time that your mother went into rehab...for her addiction...she needs to know that she is hurting you by her behavior...

i hope this helps:
Drew

PS:u can pm me anytime you need too
Aww. :3 Thank you for your kind words
I think she knows. I hope. My brother went through the same thing and seeing as he is twelve years my senior when he comes home he says all the things he always wanted to. I believe she's depressed but I really don't know. All I know is that I don't think we can afford a therapist of any kind.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
The Eater of Delicious Goods
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Re: My mom found out... - March 23rd 2011, 02:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by emzyquack View Post
Firstly Hello Nikki and welcome to teen help

Im sorry that your going through such a hard time right now noone should have to If you ever need anyone to talk/rant to feel free to pm me i would be more than happy to listen and try and help

Sorry that your moms an alcoholic this must be tough but you have to remember that its not your fault at all. My dads an alcoholic and i often feel as if its my own fault but you have to know that its not. Luckily i dont have to live with my dad though. Maybe you could find a place to escape when things get to much, such as in your room or garden or something. When i get upset i used to lock myself in the bathroom for hours until my mom removed the lock and now i just sit in my room. It can help to escape for a while sometimes.
I dont think your mom has any right to send you away because of your cutting and how you feel. Maybe when you have both calmed down a little try talking to her and explaining how that wont help. I know you may cut because of your mom but i still don't think you should have said that. Imagine who you would feel if your child had said that to you. I think you should apologise and try to encourage your mom do get help for her problem. She will be reluctant and it will be hard but hopefully what she read will encourage her to get the help she needs.
I know what its like to be asked awkward questions reguarding suicide and cutting so if you really cant answer these dont but i will encourage you to seek help from a professional such as a counselor and talk to them about it as this will help you. But it won't be easy and it is not quick and instant but it will work and be worth it and you are strong and brave so can do it <3
I hope this helps if you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to pm me x
Ahh thanks. It's a cool site.
I'm sorry to hear your dad has a similar problem, it's a horrible thing.
I think that's probably a good idea, aside from the fact I'm not allowed to lock my door (Just one of those things that have never been allowed in my house) But there are places to go where I can go if I need to be left alone.
And, I don't think I should have said the things I did either. I feel bad about it, but I didn't flat out say them, nor did I expect her to read my journal. I have to admit if she didn't, none of this would have happened. I apologized and now it's a lingering air in my house, she hasn't mentioned and isn't a very easy person to talk to so since she has been pretending nothing happened I'll leave it alone for now.
Thank you so much <3
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom found out... - March 23rd 2011, 02:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by pixietheangel View Post
omg, your story is so so sad. first of all i am so sorry that your mum is an alchaholic and that she verbally abuses you. You have got to realise it is the alchahol talking, the way she was brought up to . IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT, please dont ever ever think that it is. I cut too and i have some scars on ym arm and i hate them. i know its really hard, like an addiction but please dont do it. try to stop. do anything else like draw,sing,write a poem, write down how you fel and if you can why you fell it scream,stab an orange, hit a pillow, talk to a guidance counsellor, call the sammaritans, call children in need. anything. if you can figure out why you fel the way you do then you can solve it bit by bit. i know that constant remarks and insults can be extremly depressing and get you down. you have got to realise they are not true. i ahvent met you and i havent heard you but you sound a little lost but amazing. id love to meet you. Your a nice person who doesnt deserve this. is there anything you can do that will build trust? that is aht is lacking. trust is te foundation. have you tried to tell your mum how you feel about her reading your diary? atleast she knows now and i assume she will help you but i know thats not always the case. shes blaiming you because she doesn't want to face the fact shes as bad as the parents that beat her, your not to blaim and she needs to realise that. it sounds liek you love her still and thats amazing, try to keep hold of that and remind yourself of it when your feling down. if you ned anything else m me . please though:
@ talk to your mum
@tell a friend
@tell your friends mum
@ try and get a guidance meeting with a therapist or samaritan.
@write a diary and every day give yourself a compliment or write down something you have acheived , some thing good someone has told you.
@ i dont know how old you are but try to reasone with your mum about going out and meeting friends in safe environment,s she could be overly protective in which case start of with something small to build trust eg, a school event , let ehr talk to your friends parents, give her clear details, check in, dont go behind her back.

i hope hope hope everything goes ok. please try to stop cutting it isnt your fault at all, pm me if you need ANYTHING else. ok? xxxx love pixie xxx hope i helped. keep goign your precious, your the victim <3
Aww wow, you are a sweetheart. I am trying to stop cutting, I relapsed due to being triggered a few weeks back but otherwise I am doing the best I can to keep it under control. I didn't dare say how much it hurt because I know she has done it before, my older brother had told me something she had told him about me that I hadn't said to her. I'm not supposed to know she read it aside from this time and I have to admit it's pretty ridiculous in my own opinion, 14 years old or not.
I will definitely probably have a conversation with my best friend on Saturday because I texted her after this all blew over to keep myself from cutting.
I really do try to love her because I find myself as being a hypocrite if I don't. If I am going to preach that people need to be forgiven then I need to learn to forgive people myself.
   
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Re: My mom found out... - March 23rd 2011, 05:55 AM

Thank you
Yeah sometimes it helps to just escape and i'm not allowed to lock my door either I just sit up against it so noone can come it
It would make things awkward believe me I know. My mom read my texts about me cutting, starting myself, overdosing, threatening to hurt myself. She went mad and I went mad at her for reading them she had no right to! But it happened and pretending it didn't made things a whole lot worse. I know How you feel I can't talk to anyone, especially not my mom. But I decided one of us needs to take the first step so I sat down, closed my eyes and just spoke. Before I could think about it. My mom was pleased I had opened up to her, things were still a little awkward but there getting better so you may aswell try talking when you have both calmed down x
Stay strong and if you need anyone i'm always here <3
Congratulations on resisting the urge to cut to thats a really hard thing to do and you should be proud of yourself x


xxxxxxx Take care xxxxxxx

If you ever need ANYTHING just ask (:
Feel Free to leave me a message anytime:
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Re: My mom found out... - March 23rd 2011, 05:40 PM

Well, you're in a rought situation. However the first step is going to court if it really makes you so unhappy. Make sure you're friend's mom knows this, confide in her. If you really were worried that the stress might make you mother suicidal, simply informing the judge that this is your worry would allow him to force your mother to get help. If she is an unfit parent then this is for you're own good.

And please don't cut, they are only battle scars of a war that you need help with. No one fight alones if they don't want to.

Good luck.

- Justin
   
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