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jenpiglet17 Offline
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Long... Help? - March 22nd 2011, 05:29 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, I haven't posted any of my "problems" yet... but here goes. and I have no clue how long it's going to be. So sorry in advance...

In elementary school starting around 2nd grade, I already had thoughts of killing myself. It wasn't that bad, just hated going to school because of a bunch of things. I was that stereotypical kid that everyone picked on and hated. I had "jengerms" which were like cooties, but only I had them and I was "disgusting" and unpopular because I didn't wear the cool clothes. I'm sorry for being raised in the country and on a farm almost every day?? There's no need for nice clothes every day if they're just going to get covered in mud and everything. The kids in school always stole my journal that I wrote everything down in, and used to read it out loud in lunch. Now, I can't finish all my diary entries because I'm always afraid that someone will stumble upon them and read and make fun of it. When my dad died in 3rd grade, one kid told me that the reason he died was because "your daddy got nailed on the cross because you gave him jengerms" I remember coming into school a little early because I'd get driven to school sometimes. I was sitting in the cafeteria starting to eat breakfast and the school counselor walked in, threw out my breakfast, and told me to come with her. The teachers even didn't like me. I was a quiet person. I never said anything to anyone except for my neighbor who's my age, and the teacher. Everyone else, I just let them talk and I'd just stay quiet. I was told that I was the one who had a problem because there must be some reason why they all didn't like me. I eventually transferred to a different school in the district after the teacher I had told me that I was a worthless student who doesn't talk. Excuse me for being quiet?? The girls were forced to talk to me a few times in lunch, and they'd plan a big "make over" for me, but in the end, it always turned out making fun of me. From 2nd grade till the middle of 5th grade, I had jengerms, wasn't allowed to talk to anyone without getting a nasty comment my way, didn't have any friends at school, and just kept to myself the entire time. Now I did have friends that weren't in that school, so it's not like I can't make friends. That's part 1.

I went through middle school being the fat girl, but come High school, I wasn't fat, I was normal, and I had my own group of people I talked to, but weren't really close friends with anyone. I was one of the best swimmers on the swim team, and I liked keeping myself busy. My senior year, (I had already started cutting my freshman year because that summer was a rough one, but only did it on and off at the time) this one guy transferred from a Private School because of a problem with someone in that area: he raped someone when he was high. But he got away with it because he's bipolar and the courts figured that he just needed counseling. Go figure, just my luck, I was the one he focused on next. He thought we were going out, tried to kiss me and hold my hand in school, and just be a real creep... I filed police reports against him, I was working on a restraining order.... He tried raping me... When I was walking to the store after school, he practically kidnapped me and forced me to cut in front of him because it turned him on apparently... We got a restraining order, but that didn't stop him a year later when he got me to drive him around. By then he had a worse criminal record... 2 rapes, grand larceny, robbing over 5 homes, the list is endless.. And every time he got away because of bi polar disorder. Now granted, a disease like that is one thing, but the only thing he has is seeing others suffer. He told me he fakes it so he can get high off some of the pills he gets. That's part 2...

End of my senior year, again, go figure.... here comes another guy. Go freaking figure. This guy was so abusive... His mom was on pain meds from a accident from 5 years prior... morphine patches, morphine sucker, more antibiotics, she was on a total of 18 different pills. She yells so much... Every little thing would set her off. And this guy blames any girl about how his mom treats him. And has an obsession with knives, I might add. Every Saturday, I'd be forced to come down to his house (he lived right down my street) and his mom would be out shopping. I'd get punched, slapped, shot at by his airsoft gun, even use me as a board to see how sharp his new knives were. Thankfully, I got myself out of that relationship after I convinced myself that I was better off without him, no matter what his threat was. We broke up in October, and in the beginning of December, I remember. It was right before my birthday. He kept sneaking up to my house at around 3am. Dummy me goes outside to try and get him to leave... God I've never wrote about this before, just told my fiance. He raped me 3 times... This was over a year ago, and I still can't grasp it...

I found my fiance a little later, and I've never been happier. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I feel safe when he's around, and he accepts all of me, past included. But here's a problem.... I had flashbacks. terrible ones where I would black out and end up somewhere else. I used to cut. Faithfully every day for a long time. But I've been SH free for over a year now thanks to my fiance. I no longer have flashbacks, but I have nightmares when I sleep alone, and when I wake up, I want to cut terribly.. Here's the problem: Fiance just got an overnight job. I'm terrified that my flashbacks are going to come back.. I don't want the nightmares to get worse. And I know that I'm being selfish in saying this.... I told him I didn't want to be alone at night and that I just started to not have as many nightmares, and he has a point... It's a source of income for us right now, and I should be happy for him. I am happy though for the job, just not the hours.. I feel selfish because I'm still in recovery from SH, and can't really help the thoughts come about being raped or the nightmares I feel alone in my recovery now... He's helped me through so much, and the one thing left is nightmares and thoughts before I fall asleep. I feel so safe when he's sleeping next to me. He holds me in his arms every night. I can't fall asleep unless he's holding me. And now.... more urges to cut because of everything. The first guy I told you about just got released from jail and has it out for me, and I'm pretty insecure because of elementary school... Still... and i have been to counseling... Help?? I don't want to relapse or get flashbacks again... I don't want to give my fiance more stress and feel like using again. I'm so depressed... I'm really sorry that it's this long... It's my story...



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!

Last edited by jenpiglet17; March 22nd 2011 at 05:56 AM. Reason: forgot something
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Long... Help? - March 22nd 2011, 07:33 AM

I'm happy to see that you found someone who has helped you through so much! I don't know what your financial situation is, but have you ever considered getting a dog or cat even? I know for me I can never sleep unless I feel secure, this means checking all the door locks, window locks on the first floor and never ever living on ground level. Maybe you can find little things to help keep your mind from racing, for me music as I sleep helps distract me enough, I just focus on the lyrics and music and it's almost meditative in a way. I also keep a fan going at all times (no matter the weather) because the constants background sound helps to drown out those little creaks noises inevitable at night.
I'm sorry if I'm only giving examples, I have a hard time describing things and usually resort to examples. I hope this helps, even if only for a little bit .
   
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Re: Long... Help? - March 22nd 2011, 07:26 PM

wow your story is so moving, ive never experienced anything liek that. ive cut buit thats it. can i jsut say you are sossosos amazing and so strong. It is not selfish at all. afetr everything you have been through? no way. you are an amazing person who has been mistreated. i hope hope hope that you got all the guys who raped and cut you arrested? if not please file a report or a statement or something. im not super knowledgable on things like this but is there anyway you can get in contact with the police for a witness protection type thing? or a safe house? does he kinow where you live? i hope so badly that everythhings ok. Youve made alll the right steps, does your fiance know? if not show him your post or tell him everything because that will help. Keep going to counselling, are there any sessions need you to deal with things liek this? have you tried calling an online help number? im so happy that your getting help. have you sen your doctor? he could mabye perscribe something for your flashbacks. to help ease them think what is it about them that scares you? the bullying?your image? the boy friends? work through it step by step preferably with your friends/family and /or fiance. your not that kid any more. you have an amazing relationship, your a woman, your not fat, your not ugly, you are a victim who has been mistreated but in no way deserves it. if you get a flashback and you wake up wanting to cut, try doing anything else. if its not too late call a friend and tell them, surf the net, write down how you fel to take to a counselling session, write a list of reasons why they dont mean antyhing any more eg, your not the same person, your stronger, you dont need those bf's, you have a relationship. etc. scream, sing, write a poem, keep a diary. any other jobs your fiance can take?
im so happy you have been so strong willed about cutting keep it up, you dont deserve it. you wouldnt smash a million dollor china vase so dont cut yourself your way more precious. pm me if theres anything else you need. hope i helped and again im so sorry you had to go trhough that. no one should have to deal with that.
xxx pixie xxx


Change the voices in your head,
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Re: Long... Help? - March 23rd 2011, 01:28 AM

Thank you both for responding... As for dogs and cats, I have a cat, but we can't have the cat upstairs because the fiance is allergic to them. My dog is at my mom's house because we can't have dogs in our apartment. As for reporting them, they all have been reported, and only the first one went to jail.. (the one who already had a rape charge) because he had a warrant out already for him.. The other guy was just told to have no more contact with me, and his mom... Oh my god. She tried everything under the sun to make her son seem innocent to the point where if I also have any contact with him, I go to jail. But that's not a problem because I plan on avoiding him at all costs for the rest of my life. I did move out of my mom's house last summer to move in with my fiance, and neither has my address, but some of their friends have seen me in my new neighborhood grocery shopping. I got assaulted last month by one of their friends as "repayment for putting their friend in jail"

As for my fiance, he does support me 100% with my past. He knows everything that they did to me, and more. As for the job thing... We had a big talk yesterday and had a disagreement, and essentially, it was I'm being selfish because I want him to stay home overnight instead of him taking the job and I've been telling him my opinion. I told him that I was happy that he got the job, but the hours just sucked and I wish he would've waited for another job offer or found something else. He asked for my opinion, I gave it. It doesn't mean he has to agree with it or like it... I'm sorry that I feel this way? These things just can't go away overnight... He used to work overnights before, and I had flashbacks then because I was by myself.... And adding in the nightmares, knowing that their friends know the neighborhood I'm in, know what car I drive... The more I think about it, the more unsafe I feel. Next week starts the overnights. And if I'm awake, he can't text me because he works at a big plant as security and if he doesn't pay attention, he could get hurt by one of the machines. There goes that line of support that keeps me sane at night.... I don't know what to do... Cutting keeps getting really tempting.



The biggest thing, i found what keeps me from all these things. What makes it all better. and now I feel like I'm being abandoned after I found what works.



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!

Last edited by jenpiglet17; March 23rd 2011 at 03:06 AM.
   
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Re: Long... Help? - March 23rd 2011, 02:11 PM

Oh My gosh, you sound like you have gone through some really hard times over the course of your life and I really am sorry to hear that. I'm glad you can at least talk to your fiance about this. I do not think you are selfish at all, even if he has to do what he has to do.
The fact is, you feel terrified after what has been done to you and you have every reason to be. Do you have an alarm system installed in your house? That's a suggestion, have it installed on the windows and doors is you can; one that dials the police if it is set off. I'm so sorry that you get so scared even thinking about it and I hope that you find some kind of stable place where you feel safe.
   
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Re: Long... Help? - March 23rd 2011, 08:12 PM

Thats a good idea Normally, we just lock all the doors, which have multiple locks on them. The windows can't open right now because it snowed today and all the ice froze them shut, thankfully. Other than that... I don't know what will help make the nightmares and thoughts go away... If I write, I never can write it all out, music... songs get me to thinking.... I do keep a fan on in our room all night. But I'm plum out of ideas.



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
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Re: Long... Help? - March 24th 2011, 01:08 AM

hey hun, you've really gone through a lot, and it is really awesome how you're still holding on. (: no doubt you're a strong person, and smart to.. people have hurt you all these while and remember that it is not your fault.
the place where you're living doesn't sound safe at all..
i would suggest that you move out to a place where no one would be able to easily hurt you. but of course, that would be difficult as well..
and continue posting about how you feel, especially about things in the past.. perhaps you'd be able to let it out after so many years and have some closure on them. one issue at a time..
after what you've been through, it will not be easy for you to get out of the negative feelings you have towards yourself. it'll be hard to get rid of the paranoid thoughts. but i want you to understand that there is still hope.. give yourself time, be kind to yourself.. you still have a long way to go, and i believe that your strength in dealing with your experiences will inspire more people. it surely has inspired me. (:



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: Long... Help? - March 24th 2011, 02:21 AM

Thanks, that really made me smile We're actually hoping to move out by the end of summer, so it's not that long.... I'm trying so hard... I don't know how much longer it will work though...



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
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