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tmarie422 Offline
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Residential Hospital - March 22nd 2011, 02:32 PM

The biggest fear I've had since the beginning of this whole experience. It's like I was sent to hell, but hell wasn't a bad enough punishment so they're sending me there. Though, recently, this feeling of carelessness came across me. I don't care if I live or die and quite frankly I don't care who would care.

I had a nightmare tonight. I killed myself. There was a rope, a tree, and me and I killed myself. How can I repeat that over and over again in my head and not let it bother me? I just continue to repeat it to myself, kind of wishing it was real.

I want an explination. I want to know why God put me on this earth. Was it to suffer? Or was it to suffer? I do not just suffer from depression or cutting. I also suffer from having to live in this world with inconsiderate, self-centered people. My darkest days are not when I'm alone. They're when I'm out with everyone else. No one understands how frustrating that is for me. Why was I made this way? Why do I let the little things bother me when I used to have the little things make me happy? Why would anyone want me on this earth like this, because I sure don't want to be here. Get me off of this rollercoaster, I'm done with it, but then again...the question stays in my head, if I killed myself, would I have gotten better if I had not? So that goes back to whole not caring issue. Do I really not care? Or is that just an role that I don't know I'm playing?

I have so many questions, but little answers.
   
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Re: Residential Hospital - March 22nd 2011, 04:17 PM

These answers don't exsist.

God isn't making this happen, you are. Only you can put yourself in this hole, and only you can dig yourself out. You feel bad, I understand that. People are bad, but if you only see the bad but not good, then what are you? Sure there was Hilter, but look and Fredrick Banting, he invented the cure for diabetes, and distributed it for free! For every terrible person there is one person the polar oppisite of them.

I understand only seeing the bad. I understand depression, and you know what, I think you care too much. You're sucidal, but you really don't want to die. You're a survivalist person. They cancel each other out bringing you to neutral. I promise you, if you keep yourself alive for five years, you will not regret it then.

- Justin
   
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