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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Anatidaephobia Offline
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Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 02:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm really struggling right now . I feel reallly low and i don't even know why. I felt really happy all of last week for no reason and i want to go back to that feeling
I am so angry with myself right now, i cut for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I'm so weak. I can't do anything right
I don't want to eat anymore. I hate the feeling and i always feel disgusting, fat and unlovable afterwards. I can't sleep anymore i just lie there and think of how i can end it all and stop this constant pain and misery that is my life. I am pushing everyone away right now when i need them most. But i just can't bear to tell them the truth or how bad things really are
I am falling so far behind in school. I can't face it anymore. I can't concentrate on my work or anything and i'm always getting into trouble for missing deadlines and stuff
I told my "so called friend" the other day that i was suicidal and had overdosed before. She went and told on me so now practically everyone knows. It's so annoying the teachers look at me and i hate it i don't know how much they know or what they have seen. It's making me really paranoid. I hate it!
I have fallen out with most of my friends and family and practically have noone left I know people would care if i was to kill myself but i don't care anymore. I am sick of this pain and everyone judging me. I'm just a stupid, selfish, worthless, useless, idiotic, attention seeking bitch. Thats whats they al think of me.
I know things will probably get better but things get worse again to so i really don't want to hear it will be ok or everything will get better. I just want the truth for once.
I have a load of pills and i think i might just take them. Its for the best i know that. I can't fight this anymore. Not on my own. I just want a hug but i have noone. and i cannot ask for a hug without having to explain why and i can't drop my front or i will just break down in front of everyone and i can't do that.
I feel as if Noone could possibly love me. I have never had a boyfriend and noone has ever so much a looked at me in that way. Am i really that ugly I wish i was pretty and lovable but i'm not and i don't know what i am supposed to do about it.
I have been told to "talk" but i honestly don't think talking will help. There is only so far talking can get you and i'm shy and get really nervous in social situations so talkings even worse. I would just freeze up and couldn't do anything.

Thanks for reading this I know it's long and i don't really know what i want from this thread but i guess it just helped to write it rather than keep it all in.


xxxxxxx Take care xxxxxxx

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 04:09 PM

No no no handfulls of pills are not the answer. Trust me. Ive been down that road. And having your stomach pumped is not fun at all. They make you eat this charcoal shit, and it hurts. A few days ago i was dead set on suicide. But now. Im moving on. Because i know that somewhere out there, there is a man whom was created just for me. And i want to feel that love. I want to feel accepted. And if im dead, ill never be able to experience it. You gotta hold on love. You gotta push through it. There are times when you'll feel like the darkness is more than you can handle. But eventually the sun rises again and a new era starts. Bring your friends back. If they are your true friends, they will help you. I know you have at least one true friend. The one who told on you. I know that sounds really uncalled for and in a way rude. But they oly do it because they love you. I did the same thing you did. I told my best friend i was suicidal. And she told the principal. I ended up going to rehab (for suicide and drugs) and i hated it. I was so freakin mad at her. But now im glad that she did that. Because if she hadnt, i would be dead. And i never would have had the experiences that ive had. I never would have fallen in love, gone on vacations, and done anything that ive enjoyed so much. You just gotta hold on. Thats all anyone can do Be brave
   
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Re: Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 04:23 PM

Listen, I know you probably have heard a ton of things and have seen things that you don't want to. I know that maybe what I am going to say is something that you have heard and it makes no difference what I say on this site.

I want you to never tell yourself that you are ugly, fat, inconsiderate, a bitch, or any of the names you have mentioned. You are far from it. Don't let the eyes of others be the determining factor of your life. You are far from anything those people see. You are beautiful the way you are inside and out. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You have a lot of things that may be wrong with your life, but focus on the positive. You can make it through. I promise you that. Don't ever feel like you are nothing. You are something. You are a somebody that can make a difference in the world.

As for pushing people away, that might be the reason that people don't stand next to you. Tell them what is wrong and let them into your heart. It will make the difference.




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Re: Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 05:43 PM

Echo: I know that it hurts to overdose I have done it before so that won't stop me. I don't believe in the whole there was someone made for us all thing. And I don't know if I'll ever meet someone who loves me :,( I mean I don't understand how anyone could possibly love me. And I suppose she was been a friend but it hurt to be betrayed like that. I can't tell my friends as I know exactly what there going through and don't want to bother them with my problems aswell.
Weasel: I have tried to be positive and not tell myself those things but it's really hard when everything keeps crashing down and going wrong. And it's hard not to tell myself those things when I see people looking at me and I know that's what there thinking.

Thank you both for helping me <3


xxxxxxx Take care xxxxxxx

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Re: Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 06:00 PM

Hey there

I am really sorry that you're going through a rough time again right now. Having these thoughts and feeling this way is horrible and you don't deserve to be going through this.

Firstly I want to talk about this ...
Quote:
I am so angry with myself right now, i cut for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I'm so weak.
If you think that makes you weak then I don't know what strong is. Because I am telling you now kid, that's not weak, at all. Two weeks is a long time for someone who self harms and I know a lot of people on this site will come here, read your post and think what is she on about. Because it doesn't make you weak. You went two whole entire weeks with out hurting yourself and that is amazing and ridiculously incredible. Give yourself credit and be proud of yourself. Tell yourself you did really well to not self harm for two entire weeks. Its a great achievement!

I know you don't want to hear it but I am going to sya it anyway. Things can better. It might be hard to see that right now but you can be happy. You commiting suicide is the end to it. The end to everything. Yes it might stop the pain now, but you are stopping the happiness to. You can stop the pain while being a live, it's going to take time and hard work but in the end you will get the happiness to and that will feel so amazing and you will be so glad to be alive. It honestly is worth it.

You ARE worth so much. I know I care about you. I know it'd hurt me if I found out something happened to you. You're such a lovely young girl and you have to much to live for. You have potential and you can go far in life but you have to stick up with the rubbish and keep on going. And all of this will make you a stronger and a more understanding person. You can do what ever you want in life chick, the world is at your feet. Plan and aim high. Because you can get there. I promise you.

I'm always here if you need anyone, you can get through this.

Much love, Jessie.


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Struggling right now :/ - March 22nd 2011, 06:33 PM

I suppose your right i'm just really angry and disappointed at myself for giving in and cutting :/ now I won't be able to stop again.

I suppose but I feel so empty right now. Do I even deserve the happiness? I know I would be giving up on all the possibilities but I suppose that's a chance I have to take. After all there is no guarantee that things will get better.

I don't want to hurt anyone though. And I wouldn't want to hurt you as you have been really good to me and helped me a lot. Your a really lovely kind person
I really don't think I can get anywhere though. Everyone keeps telling me i'm not good enough, i'm a failure, i'm stupid and that I'll never achieve or amount to anything in life. I have heard it so much that I believe it 100% now. I'm scared to aim high. I will just screw up and get all disapointed and let everyone down like always

Thank you that mean's a lot to me <3


xxxxxxx Take care xxxxxxx

If you ever need ANYTHING just ask (:
Feel Free to leave me a message anytime:
VmPM

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