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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Spidok Offline
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I feel trapped - March 23rd 2011, 07:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I don't really know why I'm posting this here... I suppose I just need to get it out or something. When I say I feel trapped I mean that I'm stuck in the same place with my life. I just sit and watch everyone around me improving their lives and moving forward while mine keeps getting worse.

My life involves sleeping, eating, arguing with my family on a daily basis and just watching random videos on my laptop just to try and make each day pass quicker. I can't see this ever changing. When I was 16 people said I'd change but I'm now 20 and life has gotten even worse. Anyway I suppose I should give my life story for the last few years since that should explain why I'm in such a horrible state of depression.

I'd say secondary school took away my self esteem. I got labelled as one of the weird kids and I spent lessons and break times sitting alone. So while I'm having this awful time at school I become really ill and find out that I have a chronic illness that's going to be with me forever.

I left school at 16 and had no idea what I wanted to do so my mum took me to college and signed me up for a random college course that I didn't even want to do. College didn't go too well because of my terrible social skills and being ill didn't help either. However I stayed there till I was 18. I also had a part time job at KFC while I was at college. Like everything else in my life that turned into a disaster. I actually became attracted to a girl I worked with. Even though I was 18 at the time I'd never really bothered with girls but because I liked this one I managed to force myself to talk to her. Of course she just thought I was strange like everyone else who worked there did so I tried to show my feelings by cutting her name across myself. That only ended up losing me my job.

After everything that had happened I felt very suicidal so I took on overdose of painkillers which didn't do anything apart from making me throw up a lot and spend the night in hospital. Shortly after I was taken to a psychiatric hospital where I spent the next couple of months. I quite liked it in there actually, I felt accepted by the other patients. I've never felt like that anywhere else.

Between age 19 and 20 nothing has happened. I've just sat in my bedroom everyday trying to kill time. I stay calm most of the time but occasionally I have anger outbursts when I think too hard about my quality of life. This results in me breaking things sometimes and makes my parents upset. Recently I've been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which upset me quite a bit because to me that just says I can't have proper friendships and relationships.

So after all this I feel I should be able to live a normal life. However I've gone and got myself into another really bad situation. In an attempt to get over this girl I used to work with I started doing internet dating. I knew I wasn't capable of having a relationship but I just felt so lonely. So I've ended up talking to a girl online for a year and a half now. The only thing I want to do with my life is go and see her. Sadly I feel unable to do that because I'm too self conscious about the way I look. I just feel like my body has quite a strange shape. Luckily I've got a place for cosmetic surgery in June so I can have various implants and liposuction and hopefully I should look pretty normal after that. Oh but of course there's a problem. There is a problem with everything I try to do. I have no money and I've been unable to get a job for 2 years. So it looks like I need to loan the money which would mean I'd have to pay it back out of my benefits every month. So by doing that I'd have no money leftover to even go to meet this girl. So it looks like I'm screwed either way.

I have no idea what to do now. I'm worried about getting suicidal again. Part of me already feels like I've lost my life anyway and just waiting till the end of this year to die. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I'm just trying to be honest.


So if anyone who's read that has any idea what the hell I should do now then please help me.
   
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Re: I feel trapped - March 24th 2011, 12:39 AM

hey it sounds like your life has gone really terrible for you, and it hurts you a lot. must be frustrating feeling like you're going nowhere and that perhaps the future is bleak, especially when you feel like you can't make friends.
i know that something inside of you is still holding on to this life.. in your situation, it's not abnormal to think about ending your life and even wishing for it..
however, let's say there is a chance for you to change and improve your situation, your relationship with people, will you take it?
it'll take a lot of learning and a lot of effort.. and you'll fail again and again. and you'll likely fail more than the times that you'll get it right.
is there anyone in your life you think who can teach you how to relate with people? you may feel like it's against your nature and honestly it probably is. still, i believe that everyone needs someone, and relationship skills can be learned. and you can incorporate it into your own personality. (:



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: I feel trapped - March 24th 2011, 12:43 AM

I'm a lot like you with the socializing thing. In my case, and you might not be the same, I stay at home a lot because I live far from people in my school. My siblings and I don't talk much, but sometimes I talk with my little brother. I admit that I really hate my mother and father sometimes. I curse them in my room (when they cant hear me) and all that stuff. I admit that I do that. I don't really care if it's wrong because I have to do it; that's what i feel. Somehow it's enough for me and that really helps me deal with them.

There are certain things (like pretty much any personal problem) that i cant talk to them about cuz they just get mad or something. Later on i figured they probably just dont know how to deal with it. Well whatever.

I'm really optimistic (Yeah I am, believe me! Eventhough i prolly dont seem so). Even though sometimes I feel like everybody hates me i just listen to music or something. I've felt depressed before and thought about suicide, but the thing that kept me going is that honestly i dont have the guts and i believed that it's wrong. You say you watch a lot of videos, so I recommend this anime about suicide named Sayonara Zetsubou sensei. Its kind of a comical approach to suicide and life, and i can kind of relate.

My teacher once gave our class what he called the primary tip in socializing: Smile. He said, "if you want people to like you, smile. If you want to get your way, smile." I can see his point. Also, be nice. Any act of kindness is never wasted. Imagine if you're kind, even if for example people will say you're wierd, who cares cuz you're kind anyway. 1 or 2 people will prolly to go to you, because you seem nice.

Also you sound like a completely normal person to me (who's really depressed, people get depressed one way or another in their lives). Ive known about someone who had a deformed face but was really lively. She even met this guy and has a scheduled date with him once a year or something like that.

In my opinion, you just need to first be nice to people. When people need something from you at work, just do what you can. Try to be approachable. Smile when someone talks to you. What you did with the name of that girl is actually like in those romantic movies i dont care to watch (hehe), and what i mean is i know someone whose a hopeless romantic and he did something like what you did. He got rejected though, and he regards that as the most embarrassing moment in his life (heard that in our english class, he wrote about it in his essay). I guess she just didnt like you that way. Lesson from that: assess the situation and try to predict first if the girl will say yes or otherwise its not a productive thing to do.

So if ever you're lovesick, or depressed, there's this band that i really like. Their lyrics can really kinda connect to me and you can feel the melancholy of it all. Check out the korean band Epik High and their song Love Love Love. Its catchy and sounds really upbeat, but the lyrics are the complete opposite and you can hear from the tone of the chorus the singer is really numb. Also their other song, "Pieces of you" is really sad and it helps me feel better when im sad. search them in youtube, and look for the videos with translated lyrics on it. I really do hope you check it out.

So yeah, my last point is there are tons of people in the world like you and me. If one of them is having a hard time, but can somehow manage, maybe we can, too.
   
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Re: I feel trapped - March 24th 2011, 04:04 PM

Quote:
however, let's say there is a chance for you to change and improve your situation, your relationship with people, will you take it?
Well I feel like there is the one chance left and that's going to visit this girl I talk to but there's just so many problems and complications with that so I fell there's more of a chance of me never meeting her then there is.

Quote:
is there anyone in your life you think who can teach you how to relate with people?
Not really. My mum just gets upset when I talk to her and my dad just gets really angry. I do talk them a lot about my problems even though they don't like it because they're the only people I have.

Quote:
i believe that everyone needs someone, and relationship skills can be learned.
I would agree with that seeing as I'm actually not as bad as I used to be when I was about 13 and couldn't even speak a word to other people. However I'm running out of time fast.

Quote:
I admit that I really hate my mother and father sometimes. I curse them in my room (when they cant hear me) and all that stuff.
I just curse at them then they get really angry with me. That makes me feel worse because they just can't understand how much worse they're making my life situation. My dad keeps threatening to kick me out the house because of all this. And if that happened my life really wouldn't go anywhere.

Quote:
Ive known about someone who had a deformed face but was really lively. She even met this guy and has a scheduled date with him once a year or something like that.
I know some people can see past deformities and love the person for who they are and all that stuff. That's never going to work in my situation though, I just don't go for those type of girls. You know those type of girls who know they can get whoever they want? Yeh, I can't see them picking me when just about every other guy has a nicer personality than me and nearly every guy is better looking than me.


Anyway today I've spent the entire day in bed, It's just gone 4pm. I'm just spending every day waiting now. If I don't get this surgery in June then my last chance at a relationship could be gone. I just can't take it, everyone I know has a girlfriend. Even my 16 year old brother is in a serious relationship. I'm just so alone and there's so many issues in my life that are going to force me to stay that way.
   
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