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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
A lost wolf
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Name: Jessica
Age: 29
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I've Lost it. - March 31st 2011, 07:26 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Normally, my mood fluctuate. My depression comes in goes depending on the events through the day. Each day, it's triggered easier and easier. Now, it's gotten so outta control and not just that. I never feel ok anymore, not ever ever ever. Those feelings have completely left now. It's official, there's nothing left of me.

All day I hide in my room. I don't want to be around anyone. I keep thinking my friends want me around, but the few times I have an old friend asking to hang out or wanting to talk on the phone, I always tell them I'm busy. However, I despise being alone, so I allow myself to constantly be around one person. Usually my boyfriend or my mom, even though I'm contantly angry at one of them, but my dependancy is keeping me from being able to stay by myself for very long. Yet this pushing everyone away thing, I still keep them at a distance from myself. It's like I'm curling up inside of myself and blocking out everyone and everything now. I don't want to talk to any of them about anything. I stopped taking my medicine because it made me really sick and I don't see the doctor till next week. I'm breaking apart and to be honest, I'm not sure I'll make it that long. Right now, I really just want someone to say 'hey, I know how you feel and everything will be okay' but I know I won't believe that. I'm longing for comfort, but I guess who isn't? Yet I fear telling anyone anything about what's going on. I feel like my insides are getting eaten alive, leaving me hollow.

I get angry at absolutely everything and everyone. I'm angry at the world and take it out on everyone around me. My anger is more than just a few mean words. It's cruel words, violence, and so much more that I have found myself doing in my rage. I hate how everyone around me is so blind, yet I like it that way no matter how much it hurts. I don't think anything they did would make a difference, nothing seems to make these feelings go away and they are becoming more and more consuming. My mind is CONSTANTLY racing. It never stops and I always get headaches from it. I can't even set my thoughts straight, and even if I did, I don't think it would matter. I can't always tell what I'm thinking anyway. My mind is like abstract art, and I'm no good at picking out what's hidden in there.

I'm always nervous or paranoid about something. I've been questioning so much and will get hysterical if I think something is wrong or if I think someone is lying to me. I will completely flip out and go into a rage. It's like I just never get a break from these gut wrenching emotions. It's killing me. Everyday it's so exhuasting even if I don't do anything, just from crying so much or fighting or feeling my heart race for so long. I can't concentrate on anything and my grades are slipping. I'm starting to not care. I can't do anything right anyway.

I'm getting back to cutting and it's getting worse again. The thoughts are becoming overwhelming and I've been told I've become obsessed with hurting myself and dying because it's starting to become the only thing I think about. I can't truly smile anymore. They say it gets better, but I'm already in college and independant if I wish it, but why do I still feel this way? Why I am still so furious, so hurt, and broken. I know.. it's because I've completely lost my mind. Talking to me is a very difficult thing to do. People find it challenging. I take things the wrong way, I'm super senstive, and I'm extreamely defensive. Who would want to be around someone like me? I'm terrible. I'm disgusting and just ew.

I can't tell my therapist or my doctor any of this. I won't go back to the hospital. It was horrible, and even there the people had no idea what to do with me and they wanted to send me to a long term facility. There's no way I'm going to risk that happening if I end up there a second time.

I can't stay like this, but I have no idea what to do. I don't do anything, talk to anyone, just stay miserable, and when I try to go out of my little shell, my emotions become too much for me to handle and I break down even worse once I can get myself alone. I fear the humiliation of breaking down in public. I can't take it. I wish my mind would for once shut up. I wish I didn't have to be so weird. I want to reach out and be with others, but I just can't. It hurts so much and scares me, not because of what they would think of me either. I don't really know why to be honest. It's too complicated for even me to understand. My heart is thumbing so hard in my chest it hurts and I want to cry in pain. I need to study, but I can't. I'm so afraid, so upset. I just want to sleep and never have to wake up again. I want to die, I can't stop thinking it, planning it. If I try again, I know I won't make the same mistake twice. Oh no, if it comes to that, if I crumble then that's the end of it for sure. I'm already sure I'm too far down to ever come back up, but then why do I keep trying? Why have I not killed myself yet? I keep thinking it everyday, keep wanting it, planning it, yet I don't. I don't know what is stopping me. I wonder if it's the voice in my head saying to keep going, don't give up. Yet I wonder if it's just saying that to see me suffer in agony and laugh at me.

I want out of this life. I feel like I've already died. What's left? Why keep going? They say it's the little things in life that matters, but when you hurt so bad that it seems as though you are unable to feel these little pleasures, it's time to end it. I wish someone would tell me that it's okay for me to go. That I don't have to suffer anymore. But I know that won't happen. I'll just have to feel this pain and I'm not entirely sure why. I wish I could turn back time to a better place, a better time and stay there forever. Maybe I still can, maybe that is way I'm holding on, so I can go to a better time where the pain was bearable and I had a real reason to stay. But

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I've Lost it. - April 3rd 2011, 04:07 AM

Hey there, im very sorry to hear life isnt going well for you. Ive struggled with serious depression too, there is nothing good about it. I know one thing that helped me is that my friend told me to make a list of EVERY SINGLE good thing in my life. it can be anything at all...anything that makes you think "well i like that" it could be your boyfriend, family, friends, the beach, a band, your ipod, ANYTHING!! List five things you like a day... and review the ever growing list every day. It will remind you that not everything sucks. I know im not pro at encouragement like most of the ppl on TH...but i wanna help you. Please just try this

"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -Ida Scott Taylor
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