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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Emotions and Such - April 3rd 2011, 11:12 AM

Hello everyone, lately I have been feeling very depressed. I just have this overall feeling of sadness, that I can't escape from. It's not that I never feel happy, I just go back to my depression right after. Not only that, but ever since I was very young I have always had this desire for power. I remember how most Kadski wanted to be a fireman, a teacher, or a police officer, and even at a very young age, I knew my family was poor, and that I could never have job like that, I needed more, so I was told I should be a lawyer, or a surgeon, or a diplomat, but that wasn't enough. Getting on with it though, I don't even have for real goals for "my world", I just want to "make everything burn", in a metaphorical sense. I don't even dislike the world, or people, but I still have this desire to destroy. I don't know where this came from, I had a normal childhood, loving parents, the only "bad" thing is that I realized we were poor by about the time I was four. Ever since then, I have always wanted to have all this power, if for no sake more then to make sure noone else does, and then just make everything go away. I don't hate people or life, but I just want to make it all disapeer.

What is wrong with me?


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 3rd 2011, 11:28 AM

P.S. The desire for power and destruction has been since I was about four, my depression, maybe a few years.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 5th 2011, 08:47 AM

Any advice at all? I can't find any joy in much anymore, I go through my day pretending to care, but in truth, I'm just using my guile to get by, I really hate everyone I see, and I hate eveyrthing I see. I want to make it all disapeer.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 5th 2011, 06:27 PM

There is nothing wrong with you per se, but from what you describe to me, I'm curious as to how you were taught to cope with what you dislike and disagree with. The fact that you know better than to destroy whatever makes you unhappy certainly shows you have a degree of control above your baser instincts, and that you know right from wrong, even if you don't always want to adhere to such ideas.

I think that you're isolated. There's no point in really placing blame to anyone or anything for this; it just sort of happens over a long period of time. From what I've seen of you around the forums, you're introverted... but not to the point of selfishness or absolution. When a problem confronts you, or someone disagrees with you, you tend to work to a solution involving proving your point and explaining your position, rather than compromising and, for lack of a better term, agreeing to disagree.

Setting goals for long-term success and personal achievement is not an overnight thing. You've probably been told before that goals are a step-by-step process. This is very true. Because you tend to have great focus on what you're trying to prove or explain, I recommend you use this to your advantage. Although indiscriminate violence may feel like a strong release (even when you know it's not necessarily "right"), you also know that defending your position with confidence and resolve gives you a certain level of satisfaction and self-relevance. Even if you feel like it isn't enough, I believe that other peoples' suggestions of pursuing a career in the diplomatic or legal field would serve you well. This especially resonates with me when I consider your consistent, pointed, and thorough evaluations of statements when debating in the Current Events forums.

As for right now, I think you need people to talk to on two different levels. The first one is probably the more obvious, and possibly slightly more annoying of the two. You need someone who you can talk to about how you feel, why you think you feel that way, and so on. All repetitive and rhetorical ideas aside, doing such things would be therapeutic and (especially in the long run) would do wonders for your self-esteem and frustrations. The second level is finding other people with whom you can consistently debate with. Your prowess in such topics is nearly unmatched in this forum, and finding someone who you can agree with without rubber-stamping would do wonders to build on your self-image, as well as project even more strongly on your ability to hold your own in a debate... which leads back to my career recommendations, but I've already covered that.

Good luck.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 5th 2011, 11:32 PM

Thank you Casey, I really appreciate your help here. I do agree with you, I think I really do need someone who I can connect to on a deeper level, I have many "friends" per se (I'm very much an extrovert), but I don't really connect at more then face value. I do have one very close friend, but she and I rarely get to see each other as she lives quite far away, she is almost like my other half though, she's very much a people pleaser, of which I am not, and although we do butt heads about things like, morality, and such, I really do love her like a sister.

I think a lot of my problem stems from my childhood, I was quite poor, although my parents were well educated, both had college degrees, and my mother had her Doctorate, it wasn't in a high paying field. Because of that, I think I had this idea, especially since everyone around me was quite rich, that if I had things I could be happy, as most people have noticed, I have a pretty tight buisiness sense. I tjink I found solace in power, which is partly why I fell in with Nationalism I think, it was something that made me happy, it's nice to hear "Your better because you were born better", although please don't confuse me with those idiots who just like to shoot off shotguns in the what and what have, I am the thinker type, I view the big picture. I also don't lack self-esteem, I love public speaking, I'm quite good at it, I remember by the time I was twelve, I would just come up with random speeches on my own, about some topic, and they were very moving.

Anyway, I think what I feel is that I need to make up for my poverty in childhood by making sure I never feel poor or without again, admittedly, I don't talk about my parents to people, not because they are bad people, but I did grow to hate and feel emberassed by them. Even now, I'm not well off, I'm a student, but yet I always wear a pressed shirt, maybe some Oxford's, and slacks for even the most informal occasions, such as class, or going to McDonalds, because I hate the feeling of poverty.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 6th 2011, 06:22 PM

The fact that we quite obviously disagree on social issues doesn't change my personal view of you. The way you debate in the Current Events forums makes it extremely obvious that you're far smarter than the gun-firing rednecks on the back-forty land shooting beer cans.

You already realize that to become wealthy (or at least higher up on the economic ladder than you are now) you first have to spend. College costs money, unfortunately. But if you already have an idea of what you want to do, then it works to your advantage.

The friend you described, who you sometimes "butt heads" with, is probably the best kind for you. You need someone who can take your perspective and ideas, and scrutinize them and contemplate them without either rubber-stamping them with blind acceptance or blatantly disagreeing with them on principles that she hasn't even laid out in full for herself. Find more people like her, and you'll find yourself becoming happier, regardless of other factors in your life.

The wanting of power, money, and influence is nothing unique to human existence. If anything, it shows that your ambitions are strong enough not to be flagged down by someone else's ideas of morality (unless it is so obvious to you that it would be a bad idea, which I don't think has happened). Once you know what you want, you should go for it, using any practical, legal, and moral means necessary.

And one more thing..... if your oratory skills are anywhere near your debate skills, those will be an enormous asset for you. Don't underestimate it.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 7th 2011, 12:14 PM

Thank you, if it matters much, I never though of you as a tree hugging hippie!

My oratory skills are better then my debate skills in my opinion, when I can speak publicly, I get a better response. Unfortunately, I feel I lack the position to use them, I have a terrible fear of being above-average, I couldn't take being a succesful individual making $200,000 a year, I want it all. I want an army at my fingertips, and the ability to take, by force if necessary, what I want. I remember the one thing I loved as a child was reading about men like Napoleon, Ceaser, Rommel, and Clauswitz, I. Envied them.

I do wish I could spend more time with that friend of mine, she lives about 30 miles away though, which makes it hard to just meet. She matters a lot to me, I don't know why I feel so happy with her, she just makes me feel like that void in me is a bit smaller. Maybe all I really want is to be with her, at times I have felt like I would be happy if she and I were together? I wish I could give more to her, but yet, she doesn't value money or power at all, she believes power corrupts, I jokingly tell her not to worry about me, because I'm already as corrupt as they come. I doubt it's her I need though, I value power first and foremost.

Also, when I said I wanted to make everything burn, I didn't mean I just want wanton violence, I don't have the desire to just go shank someone on the street, I want massive, organization, I want everyone, for as long as the human race lives on, to know my name. I don't really care what it takes, I want to rule everyone, under my flag.

Even before I knew much, I had a certain, sociopathic quality... I remember after my mother gave me the "talk", I asked if that meant a baby was a mix of both parents, and she said yes, so I, a nine year old, with no knowledge of genetics, or much history, and with my parents never espouting this style of thinking, I asked her "Why don't we only let healthy people have children, or have the two fastest runners have a baby so we always win the olympics?", I, as a nine year old child, on my own, came up with a rudimentary idea of Eugenics! I wonder if that's where I really went down this path...

I think a big issue is I really fear death, all I'd leave behind is some people who'd miss me, but that's enough for most people, but me, no, I want the world to turn upside down. I don't want to be forgotten, I want everyone to mourn, and everyone to know.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 7th 2011, 06:34 PM

Hm, you certainly are an interesting individual. However being power-hungry is a drive. It makes you function. Some do it for the joy of helping others, some live life for the sake of money and worldly pleasures, some live life for power. Maslow's theory states that at some point to be truly happy a person must reach self actualization, their reason for exsistence. Apparently you have reached this already.

I realize I just brought Maslow's hiearchy, but that has always been something that struck me as genius, a single man able to explain human exsistence in five easy steps that even eight-year-old me was able to fully understand. Brilliant.

The only problem with you is that you reached self actualization before many other people, some people never even reach it. That just means you have a driving force inside of you.

I also see nothing wrong with your longing for power. You simply are arrogont, a common trait, and there is not one problem with that. You feel that you could do so much better. Under your country you would always win the oylimpics, you should always win wars, you would take what you want and have a unified force. It's quite respectable, and you could even go on to fufill it. That dream is fine, many people share it. Matter of fact, a few people known as presidents or prime minsters have done that. As I said nothing is wrong with your dream, the only problem would be your means of achievment.

I also share your fear of death, not that dying scares me, but being forgotten does. Because at this point I only know fifteen people who would notice my death, five of which would be overjoyed, five of which would notice but not care, and only five that would feel sad for even a week.

I however want to get money via pure luck. I don't really have great luck, so that would certainly be a cause for excitment. And I would rather achieve fame through a fan base, not a citizen base. However I do understand your feelings, but you have done nothing wrong. Nor are your emotions wrong.
   
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Re: Emotions and Such - April 15th 2011, 07:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JKmadu619 View Post
Hm, you certainly are an interesting individual. However being power-hungry is a drive. It makes you function. Some do it for the joy of helping others, some live life for the sake of money and worldly pleasures, some live life for power. Maslow's theory states that at some point to be truly happy a person must reach self actualization, their reason for exsistence. Apparently you have reached this already.

I realize I just brought Maslow's hiearchy, but that has always been something that struck me as genius, a single man able to explain human exsistence in five easy steps that even eight-year-old me was able to fully understand. Brilliant.

The only problem with you is that you reached self actualization before many other people, some people never even reach it. That just means you have a driving force inside of you.

I also see nothing wrong with your longing for power. You simply are arrogont, a common trait, and there is not one problem with that. You feel that you could do so much better. Under your country you would always win the oylimpics, you should always win wars, you would take what you want and have a unified force. It's quite respectable, and you could even go on to fufill it. That dream is fine, many people share it. Matter of fact, a few people known as presidents or prime minsters have done that. As I said nothing is wrong with your dream, the only problem would be your means of achievment.

I also share your fear of death, not that dying scares me, but being forgotten does. Because at this point I only know fifteen people who would notice my death, five of which would be overjoyed, five of which would notice but not care, and only five that would feel sad for even a week.

I however want to get money via pure luck. I don't really have great luck, so that would certainly be a cause for excitment. And I would rather achieve fame through a fan base, not a citizen base. However I do understand your feelings, but you have done nothing wrong. Nor are your emotions wrong.
Oddly enough I feel like I skipped the third tier of his hierarchy. I just see the world, and think, "It should all be mine, they should all belong to me, all the money, the power, and I want to make the world suffer". I really do think it comes out of my childhood, knowing your poor early on, and being looked down upon for it, had a big affect on me I think. For some reason the rest of my family doesn't care about money, they are just happy being, whatever they are. But I always wanted more, and more, and more. I want it all, I want to be judge, jury, and executioner.

Oddly enough, for my position as a poor individual, I have a great support for the rich, I truly do believe that the strongest and the smartest deserve to be on top, and I'm going to get their, even if I have to step on heads, and knock other people down, noone will stand in my way.

Now the real difference between me and a lot of other people who want leadership is my lack of "corruption". I know a lot of people want the power so they can have all the money to spend, all the women they want, and such, but I just want an empire. Something I can leave behind, I want to be the next Ceaser (minus getting stabbed in the back by a Brutus). Yet for how much I want to build, I want to destroy. Like, I want to just get rid of anything that ever made me unhappy. That song by MUSE, "Take a Bow", is like my creed.

Another, slightly disturbing thing, is my love of nuclear weapons. Something about that much power in something the size of a small car is so beautiful, the waves of fire and death it unleashes with only two bricks of uranium slamming into each other, and the blast wave, able to cause cities, along with millions of people, to vanish in the blink of the eye, is just beautiful to me. I love watching Cold War footage of nuclear tests, and seeing the blast wave just vaporizing those test sites, with a home basically being turned to dust as the blast hits, it has such a simple concept, no ulterior motive, no agenda, no bargaining, just pure destruction in the most raw form, it makes me smile.


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Re: Emotions and Such - April 15th 2011, 06:51 PM

I actually also love nuclear weapons, the fundamentals are impressive in all ways. I also have fascination in a nuclear holocaust. That's part of the reason I love the Fallout game series. It's so dark and brutal. I enjoy hearing of murder stories (Another strange thing that makes me wonder about my own sainity) how the murders were carried out, and ultimately how they were caught. I also have a love of war.
These traits aren't really unusual. Because the idea of a fallout or nuclear war is intriguing to you doesn't actually mean you feel the need to kill out entire races.
And things you hate would be abolished, like poor people? Communism has you beat. Like terroists, men and women are working hard. Having a hatred of bad things is naturual. Normal. If you loved terriosts and enjoyed hating things I would be more worried.
I can also assume you fall between ages 18-28, at those ages many people (Men especially) feel violent and full of rage. It's how slasher movies and survival horror video games thrive man.
It seems you've already fallen into the "great leader" mentality. Although you are a great person with good ideals, you doubt yourself too much, which will eventually eat yourself alive. This does not mean you will fall into the "Great leader" actions such as genocide. Although you might not like gays (According to the debate board) that doesn't mean you will hunt down and kill them. Although you might feel deaf and blind aren't as good as you (Maybe this is true, maybe not, I'm not judging you.) yet this doesn't mean you believe they are useless to society. You will not become hitler. If anything you would become one of the greatest leaders of our time. Even if it's controlling a country, state, or even buisness. You will suceed. You have a drive like none other. That is good.

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