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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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bluedolphin123 Offline
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I'll Never Be Good Enough - April 6th 2011, 04:45 AM

I used to have an account here 5 or so year ago, but I don't remember the info, and I need somewhere to vent. Over the last 2 years ago I have slowly become more and more depressed. I've been thinking about it and my reasons for depression boil down to four main points.

1) The girls I like never seem to like me. Sure, I'm a good looking guy, some of them treat me as a sex object and the man inside of me is not capable of resisting, but that does not help the fact, that I feel unloved.

2) I'm not well rounded enough to get into the schools I wanna get into. Most people would view me as a relatively successful teenager, I attend a good college, and most of my tuition is paid for in scholarships, but that is not the goal I set for myself. I'd like to attend an ivy league and I can't even transfer into one with a 4.0 GPA, because my SAT scores (which I spent hundreds of hours studying for and took four times) could only get to above average and sadly most elite schools still look at SAT scores even for transfer students. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I am a genius in my major. My grade on my most recent exam was adjusted to a 116 after taking into account the curve and no, that is not a typo. I also have a 3.7 GPA. Why do I have to be held back the results of a standardized test?

3) I'm poor. This may not be such a big deal to some people, but for someone such as myself, it is horribly depressing. I am smart, ruthless, and determined, for better or worse, failure is not an option in anything I choose to pursue as far as my career goals go. To make matters worse, I am studying finance and most of my professors used to work on Wall Street and think people that make less than $100,000 per year have some sort of learning disability. I am obsessed with finance and I'm surrounded by rich people, which makes me ashamed of the fact, that my parents were unable to attain high school diplomas, have lost all fluid learning capabilities, and although worked hard at some points of their lives, have nothing to show for it. Is that why after all my hard work, I'm still not smart enough to get into Harvard? Are my genetics flawed? Who are my parents to tell me what to do, or nag me about little stupid things, if they are the last people I want to end up like?

I plan to work in the summer, so hopefully that relieves some of my financial troubles but I cannot start working as of now, because I need to maintain an extremely high GPA for fear of losing scholarship money and not being able to transfer to a better school.

4) When I was a little kid, I stuttered, so they taught me to talk slow, so now people think I'm a burnout retard when I talk. I admit, I did my fair share of drugs and binge drinking, but that has nothing to do with the way I talk. My school doesn't have a speech therapist and it's not covered by our insurance.

I experimented with drugs and drank heavily in high school, but I never thought there was a problem, because it was always in the name of the party. But now I drink heavily five nights per week, out of depression. Most people would say I'm a high functioning alcoholic, which I embrace at all social occasions, but deep down, I know that's not true. I don't have a drinking problem, I have a depression problem, it just so happens that alcohol is the only thing that makes me forget why I hate myself for a few hours. I just feel like each accomplishment I make just leads to something else I have to accomplish. When does it end?

I didn't realize there was a separate forum for depression topics. Sorry.

Last edited by Katrina; April 9th 2011 at 01:08 PM. Reason: Merging posts.
   
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Re: I'll Never Be Good Enough - April 6th 2011, 08:33 PM

Well my friend i can understad you being a little down at the moment. I have suffered from depression and it really is one of the most horrible things you can experience.

I when I look at your life accomplishments and what you have going for you id say you got it all in the bag man.

I look at you and think that im not good enough. I couldnt get into university and if i wanted too i prob wouldnt be able to keep my marks up or even get s scholorship for that matter. my marks have always beeen bad and i have suffered from it.

as for the girls liking you thing. well ill be honest. if you cant have a job becuase of school then most likly you dont need a girl friend atm. My girlffriend is trying to get her phD in clinical psych and shes already flipping out. shes smart as hell but thers some days when i cant even see her. when exam times come i dont see her for weeks on end. so dont worry to much about girls. it all starts with friend ships. so find a girl you like hanging out with that your so natural around. i was bestfriends with my girlfriend before we started dating and now weve been dating for almost 4 years but we got some heavy problems now.

I understand why you are down but when i look at your situation i see a young man whos got it made and will be on his way to a great bright future.
   
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Katrina Offline
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Re: I'll Never Be Good Enough - April 9th 2011, 01:32 PM

Hey there,

I'm going to agree with Matti; I, too, see a young man who's made it and has a bright future ahead. And I'm not just saying that. At this point, you are literally going to be the ONLY thing that will get in your way of being very, VERY successful.

A. Girls: Where are you meeting these girls, exactly? You know, universities have a LOT of different clubs and organizations that you might look into joining. These clubs and organizations will have others in them that share your same interests. Part of "playing the game" is being a little more selective than just having sex with everyone who wants to have sex with you. Selectivity, confidence, and having a little bit of everything but not too much of anything are key, I think. There are girls out there who will recognize a good quality, nice guy with they see one. (:

B. School: Your GPA is really quite high. I see where your frustrating is coming from, though. In high school, I had a 3.6 GPA ... didn't really try to hard. At all. Some of my friends busted their butts throughout highschool and maintained over a 4.0 GPA from taking APs and whatnot. Along comes the SAT. I get National Merit Finalist and get a full ride offer from literally almost every college I apply to. My friends don't get NEARLY the same amount of scholarships. To be honest, it doesn't seem at all fair, really, but I guess, because of the variety in schools and grading systems, there has to be some sort of national standard. Just because you didn't score in the top tier certainly doesn't mean you're not as "intelligent" as those who did, though. And I know you know this, but I'm just reminding you.

C. Income: so check it out. You're a finance major. You have a passion for what you're studying, you have drive and motivation, and you have some AWESOME connections to the finance world. Why are you thinking you're not paving your way for an incredible future? Start getting internships! People hire who they know. Sure, your first job probably isn't going to make over 100k, but really, if you're not happy doing what you're doing, I don't think it'd be worth the money. See where life takes ya! You might be surprised.

D. Perceptions: You're percieving what people are viewing you as. Nine times out of ten, our perceptions of what other people are negatively viewing us as are completely off! Not kidding. In high school and college, teenagers and young adults are too consumed with themselves to give much attention to how you're reading or how you talk. I know it doesn't sound like an "optimistic" response to this issue, but its true... I'm sure your peers, just from being around you in classes, know that you're as intelligent as you are.

Hang in there... Please be very, very careful with the alcohol. It may seem like the only thing that can take away the negative and depressing thoughts, but its going to only last a short amount of time. Afterwards, many people feel worse. And it becomes a downward spiral. Alcoholism can be a dangerous thing, and I really encourage you to look into other things--sports? exercise?--that can make you happy. One of the reasons I spend so much time dancing is because I'm passionate about it, I love it, and it makes me happy. You need to find something that can be this release for you.

I'll be thinking about you as you deal with and try to sort through these issues. And no worries about not realizing there was a separate forum for these sorts of topics. I'm going to move your thread over to Depression and Suicide now, actually. Let me know (PM, VM, MSN, whatever) if there's anything else I can do for you.



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