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Twisted Offline
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Can never seem to feel completely happy. - April 7th 2011, 02:51 PM

I don't really know how to put this. I guess I'm finding things tough, well I have for a while. I get angry really easily and end up taking it out on my boyfriend, we fight then I feel really guilty so I end up breaking down and saying sorry to him over and over again. He's really supportive and always forgives me, though sometimes I wonder why he hasn't left yet. He's even been giving me tips on how not to let things get to me so much, he really is amazing and I don't know what I'd do without him and I definitely don't deserve him.

I think I'm getting better at not letting the stupid little things get to me, slowly. But when I do and I have an "outburst" I end up feeling horrible and worthless after. Especially if my boyfriend gets the brunt of it. He tells me not to dwell on it afterwards but how can I not? The guilt I feel when I shout at him for no good reason is almost unbearable, I feel like I should punish myself for treating him like crap. I used to cut but I haven't done that since I was 16/17 and I vowed that I would never do it again, it's hard sometimes but I've stuck to it so far and I don't want to lose that. It crosses my mind sometimes but I just think of how much it would hurt my boyfriend, he's seen the scars so he knows that I used to do that. It would break his heart if I hurt myself again.

I just want to be happy and get over the fact that sometimes stuff happens and I don't need to get so frustrated. I just feel like a horrible, nasty person for being so quick tempered especially when it's towards others. I don't know why I'm posting I don't really have any questions. Guess I just needed to vent.
   
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Re: Can never seem to feel completely happy. - April 9th 2011, 01:41 PM

Hey there,

Venting is partially what this forum is for, so no worries. I'm glad you decided to post, really. It can help, even just to know that there are others out there who have read your post and can relate.

Your boyfriend does sound like he is a truly wonderful resource as you are battling these hard times. Giving you resources and tips, allowing you to talk to him, and being so forgiving? I am so impressed at you guyses strong relationship right now, words cannot express...

However, I do see what you're saying. You have someone who is truly healthy for you in your life, and of course you don't want to lose him. Forgive me if this is something you've already considered, but do you talk to a counselor? I'm unsure of whether you're in school at this point, but if so, keep in mind that many universities and college offer great counseling resources. Just so you don't have to ALWAYS be relying on your boyfriend (as that can be emotionally taxing for him), I suggest that you also look into recieving therapy. Even though its difficult, you NEED to find another way to express your anger than to scream and yell at him. You're right, that isn't fair to him, and in that situation, its hard for people to stay with their partner forever, because its just... as I mentioned, so very emotionally taxing to be that person always being yelled at. I think the counselor or the professional could help you significantly with this.

Anyway, hang in there. I look forward to hearing back from you. Take good care of yourself!



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Re: Can never seem to feel completely happy. - April 11th 2011, 11:22 PM

Thanks for your response it really is appreciated. My boyfriend really has been incredible, I want to repay him by showing him I can be more mature and grown up when it comes to handling my emotions. I've thought about counselling and therapy, but I don't feel brave enough to actually go out and get it. I'm worried about what my friends and family would think and I don't want them to worry about me or start treating me any different. I don't know anyone who's actually been to therapy or counselling either so to me it's a completely unknown sector. Also I have a feeling that I'd turn up for the session but then not have anything to say.


I'm hoping that I can battle this on my own since I've come through other adversities in the past and turned out ok afterwards. I feel more aware of when I'm about to get annoyed at something and sometimes I've been able to contain myself and think to myself "is there any need to get worked up about this?". I just need to remember that I don't need to get upset about things that don't even matter. I wouldn't mind if I was getting angry at something worth being angry about but 90% of the time it's because of the most stupid things.
   
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