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Paaaul Offline
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Why? - April 14th 2011, 12:03 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey teenforums. You might remember me from a post i made here not so long ago and this is similar but different if that makes any sense? I feel my situation is getting worse.. im not sure where to begin as i dont feel there is definite starting point so im sorry if this post seems unstructured and messy.. its probably partially due to the fact im typing this on a phone and also the fact it is around 1am when i am writing this so i appologise for not capitalising things and the like! I appologise, it is rather long and if you do read it to the end i really appriciate it.

I cant remember the exact place i started off in the last thread.. maybe it would be best to start chronologically? I guess that may work. Ive always been jealous of attention. Not so much wanting to be the center of attention - no, far from it. I just want to be noticed and for someone to think of me as that special person. The first real time i can remember an example of feeling like this is around the age of 6/7 .. it wasnt anything big but it was around the time frame where we were learning about relationships and i vividly remember one time at the end of the school day we were lined up ready to be sent home when an uproar occured full of children screaming about how two of our fellow classmates had just kissed. This was of course far before i understood relationships properly so it didnt really affect me at the time.

A few years passed and i was at what we call here highschool which is ages about ages 10 -> 14. It was around this time that my family life deteriorated, there were deaths in the family and other problems that i dont wish to go in to and it was also around this time i started wanting relationships.. though these never actually worked out at all, it usually ended up with me having to watch the girl i liked kiss another guy.. i never really had friends outside of school..

It was only really around the time when i was 14/15 that i started talking to people outside of school. I shortly discovered that i was infact a good listener and to help with the attention i felt deprived of i thought i could help myself and the other person at the same time. I also thought that it might get me a girlfriend..

A few years on and ive still not had a relationship. The people i helped when they needed it ranged from suicide to boy troubles and everything in between. I even helped the girl that i liked at the time to get with another guy. My moral was that if it hurts one but helps two then its good. And i still stick with it. Although now its heading down hill. Mostly all my friends are sexually active and are experiencing a new type of interaction whereas i havent even received the most basic form from my parents. My closest friends unintentionally hurt me when they talk about their sex life. The things theyve said float around in my head as it deteriorates my mental health.. The people i have helped rarely talk to me unless they have a problem i can help with. I dont have a social life due to this as they dont invite me anywhere and i feel it would be awkward if i tried to invite them. My parents dont seem to like the idea of it either.

This has knocked my self confidence dead. I hate myself. I cut myself and am selfless in any way i can be. Mainly because it helps others, however. My only experience ive had with affection and relationships was with a girl who said she loved me and i was thinking abiut telling her i liked her back, she was getting friendly with another guy. I was depressed at the time and she was telling me all the sexual things they were doing in great detail. She then told me i shold slit my wrists and jump off a cliff..

This lead to suicide attempts and more self harm. So, what point is there in living? I dont want to live for myself. My parents i dont think would mind. The thing i was living for (the helping others) has died out as they have replaced me with their boyfriends. I dont see a point any more. Why should i live? Nobody will ever like or want this vile waste of blood and organs.
   
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Re: Why? - April 14th 2011, 01:36 AM

There are always more people needing help. Go help out at a soup kitchen, chairity, battered women's shelters, schools. Volunteering is what gives me drive. If one single person is happier, I'm not a total waste of time, right? I also have low self esteem, and I know it's hard to feel good about yourself.

Yet I noticed a part ofyour post, where you said "She then told me I should slit my wrists and jump off a cliff." It has left me puzzled. Did she literally say that, or are you twisting words? I doubt anyone would be so cruel. Yet I promise if you did, you didn't intentionally twist her words, sometimes when you feel bad about yourself "I need time alone" seems like it means "I hate you, leave me alone."

About your sexual frustration, being in a relationship isn't something you should rush into. If it happens, great, if not who cares. You shouldn't feel jealous of your friends. Also, "If it hurts one but helps two, it's fine" isn't a good moral. It's only truly helping if everyone is happy. You shouldn't think of yourself so lowly. You ARE worthwhile. You are good.

I don't have much more to say. Other than it's not your fault.

- Justin
   
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Re: Why? - April 14th 2011, 06:43 AM

I'm afraid to say she did say that - it was more a cue to say get out my life more than anything..

And it's not so much sexually frustrated - I don't want sex or anything immediately it's more the jealousy that others have the ability to do it where as I don't sort of thing?

Sorry if that made no sense and thankyou <3
   
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Re: Why? - April 14th 2011, 07:21 AM

I like the idea of the volunteering. I love to help people too, and volunteering like that at soup kitchens and shelters, you actually get appreciated for it. They actually say "God bless" and say thank you for the time you've given to them. Also for the relationship thing, you can distract yourself by widening your horizon a little bit. Learn to play guitar (that really helps with getting girls). Become an athlete. My dad sometimes says that I need to stop being focused on relationships and develop myself. And with the whole everyone-else-getting-farther-in-relationships thing, I know exactly what you mean. I got teased so much when I was younger about not having a girlfriend. When I first got one I was just a few weeks away form being 15. You are worth something in the world, you just need to find what it is. Obviously it's helping people because you like doing that, you just need to be able to help people who appreciate it. Try volunteering at shelters or soup kitchens and at the same time, develop yourself. Widen your horizon. And never, ever give up. As long as you live, you have a purpose to have that big heart of yours beating. Don't give up. <3


Risk something, take back what's yours.
Say something that you know they might attack you for.
Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before.
Like it's stupid standing for, what I'm standing for.


When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die.

Your voice is your own, I can't protect it.

You'll have to sing.
A verse no one has ever, known.
Don't be afraid.
Cause no one ever sings, alone.
Love all.
   
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