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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TigerTank77 Offline
Rage is the best anesthetic
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Name: Ben
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And the Sh*t keeps running. - April 18th 2011, 04:38 AM

I'm becoming increasingly unsure of myself.

2 months ago, my ex left me for a rich scumbag.
Poor closure, argumentative ending. I loved her, but I moved on.

I took out of the relationship an increased level of self confidence in regards to my looks, personality, and a certain something's size.

But, as far as I know she's with someone. And I'm... alone.
Every plan I have had in the last two months regarding women have fallen through.
One "friend", two dead ends, and a new stalker.

I have friends. I have hobbies. I work and have school.
But nights like this, where all I have are my thoughts... it all creeps up on me and I find myself doubting my future more and more.

And... as much as I keep telling myself it'll all heal with time and I'll find someone... the realist in me keeps telling me over and over, "nothing is certain."

I am terrified. And I don't want to tell anyone, because I feel like the second people realize I'm not the sturdy rock I appear to be... that it will be the end of me.

It comes and goes. Sometimes I'm fine, other times I'm in a dark haze where my thoughts burn my insides like acid.

I need a guarantee on life. And ironically, I know it's the one thing that doesn't exist.

Often I lie wide awake, thinking of things I could make.
But I donít seem to have the parts to build them.
I am so scared of what will kill me in the end, for I am not prepared.
I hope I will get the chance to be someone, to be human.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Fucking Done Offline
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Re: And the Sh*t keeps running. - April 19th 2011, 01:37 AM

Feel the exact same man, if I knew an answer how to feel better i'd tell you.
Not alone though.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dr2005 Offline
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Re: And the Sh*t keeps running. - April 19th 2011, 10:17 PM

Hey Ben,

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've felt like that...well, actually that wouldn't do me any good because I'm British and you can't spend nickels over here. But I digress.

I'm sorry things ended badly with your ex - I know that one pretty well too unfortunately - and I understand completely how it makes you feel like you've described. Ironically the best advice I can give you on this actually came from a Catholic priest when I said very similar things to what you're saying now, and his response was basically "I think you're being a bit hard on yourself there." The same applies to you - it's been 2 months since the breakup and in that time you've managed to meet at least four different women to varying degrees. That's pretty bloody impressive if you ask me - 2 months after MY breakup I was barely getting out of my room, never mind meeting the fairer sex. A year and a quarter down the line and I've only properly met one person for a date, and while that was good fun it didn't lead any further. So compared with that, I'd say you're doing pretty well. Either that or I'm really crap - take your pick.

What I would say, though, is that what you're saying it sounds like you're still going through - for want of a better way of putting it - the healing process that generally comes with breakups. It's good that you've put the relationship to bed to some extent and made the decision to move on from it, but 2 months isn't a great deal of time in the long run and certainly my experience was that I still felt angry, aggrieved and generally downcast for a number of months afterwards. That tended to manifest itself in exactly the same kinds of thoughts you describe. The best advice I can offer then is, as that priest said, don't be so hard on yourself - you're 20 years old, you're on your way to setting out your future and there's still plenty of time to meet the right person or people as it may be.

Most importantly, being single does not mean you're alone or going to be alone forever, is not by any means the end of the world and can actually be quite an opportunity in disguise. You can spend time doing whatever you want (within reason!) with whomever you want (ditto!), be that catching up with friends, meeting new people or indulging in your hobbies. All of that gives you opportunity to learn more about yourself, be more comfortable with yourself and ultimately build up again the inner confidence that will make finding the right person a hell of a lot easier. What you've said about how the "realist" in you reacts suggests that inner confidence is taking a hit when things aren't going to plan, and that's something you want to avoid if at all possible because it can very easily become self-fulfilling. Try to shift your focus from meeting a new girl to just enjoying things generally, and you may be surprised how that turns out.

Hope some of that helps and apologies for the odd ramble - think that may be tiredness kicking in. If you want to talk feel free to PM or VM and hope things pick up for you soon.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
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