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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Disclosure. Offline
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Unhappy Gah! - April 18th 2011, 11:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I know I've made a heap load of posts in the Depression and Suicide forum but I really need help and advice, as much as I hate to admit that I do. It hurts to still be around. It hurts to even breathe. I feel like I have no purpose in life. Don't say that I do. Don't say that there's hope and that people care for me. I'm sick of people telling me that. If there's hope then why do I constantly feel shitty? There is a reason as to why I'm feeling like this even though my life is going the way I want it too. It's because off the chemical imbalence in my brain and because it may be hereditary as my Mum had depression when I was younger. I want someone, anyone to understand what I'm going through and that can be there for me 24/7. I don't want to go back to councilling; I've been there twice in the past, once self-harm and the other time because I had OCD. I don't want to go again because I don't want to talk about my problems. I'm taking anti-depressants but they don't seem to be working. I don't know if the dosage is strong enough for it to be working or not. I know I should tell my parents considering they've been my biggest support but it's hard. It's hard to let them know I'm struggling. I don't feel right telling people I'm not ok. It's easier to let them know that nothing is wrong. Life is so much better that way. The effort off explaining to them what I'm feeling and thinking is just too much for me. I want people just not notice me anymore. The mask I wear on my face is far too strong to not have it on my face anymore. I've been building it up since the end of 2008, start of 2009 and it's become a part of my life in a way. The pain I feel is just so surreal that I'd rather feel nothing or even feel numb then feel what I'm currently feeling. It's too much for me. I can't do this anymore. Keep up this charade off being ok. But I've kept it up for so long, I've become an expert. I hate telling people how I feel even though the main advice I tell other people is the one thing I don't want to do...talk to someone. How can I give that advice to people when, being a hypocrite, I'm afraid to do so myself. I feel like I'm trapped in my own shell and whenever someone comes near, I shy back away from the world because it's easier. I want someone to love me more then a family member or friend. I want to be loved and to be known. I want to love and to know. But how can I when I'm hurting as much as I am? No-one gives a shit about how I'm feeling. I tell them 'No' and they keep going on because they want to have sex. How pathetic and childish. I've lost concentration in everything and fail to love the things I did before.



Last edited by Disclosure.; April 18th 2011 at 11:33 AM.
   
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Re: Gah! - April 20th 2011, 09:33 AM

The hardest truth in the world that I had to learn to apply to myself, was that we need to learn to love ourselves, before we can love another.

I understand how you feel, and do believe me... I understand what it is like to be in such a dark place. What is more, is that I currently understand the confusion and pain of having things seemingly go right in life, yet feel so terrible and so empty.

I want to help address the things that you have mentioned, and see if maybe I can convey my perception to you... (Please bare with me on this one, especially since it is like 2am where I am)

I'm going to start by saying, that if we want anything to change, we need to take the steps and keep strong in enduring to obtain this change. Your life, and your existence is precious. It's amazing how beautiful and fragile people are. I can only compare to my own experiences, the pain and frustration that resides in your heart.

You are on a sea that's called life, and you have hit a patch of fog. The destination is dead ahead. You are uncertain, but the reality is that the destination is straight. You will either choose to keep pushing forward and holding onto your dreams, or you will give up. Let's try to get you holding onto your dreams, and I feel as if your dreams are a little similar to my own.

First of all, having a purpose in life is not something that is given to you. You have to understand that the situation is not that you do not have a purpose, but that you have not found one yet. Our purposes in life, are directed by our passions, by our hobbies, by what we find to make us happy, and hopefully what makes other people happy too. You may not have found this passion yet, or you may not be aware that you have found it.
You need to try to find something, that makes you happy, self sustained. Some people write, some people sing, some people read, draw, dance, hike, collect, play and etc. You need to find something that interest you.

Second, the chemical imbalance issue. I can see that depression is something that runs in your family. Last year, I hit the peak of my depression. Things were not good, as my Bi-Polar uncle killed himself, and my aunt passed away. A lot of bad things were going on with my peers, and a lot of bad things were going on with my family to say the least. I was prescribed medication to help me cope with a depression that was only going further and further down hill. Sadly, it lead to some pretty bad things.

I will tell you that medications (SSRI's and all of that fun stuff) will not make you feel happy. They are to assist you in getting yourself to feel happy. I would surely talk to a doctor and perhaps your therapist to see if maybe a higher dosage can aid you on getting back on track to happiness. The main thing that helps you though, is getting that courage from within to counter depression in your mind.

Screw bad thoughts, screw doubtful thoughts, screw giving up. You may not feel loved but you are. There are people who love you, and more importantly people who need you. I guess this brings me to my touchy subject.


Sometimes things will get lonely, and you will want someone there, but we have to keep in mind, that we can and will find someone. I'm the romantic, I admit this. There are several times, where I really wish I had a girlfriend, a lover, sometime to hold me during those times when things just seemed like they couldn't get any shittier. Everyone wants to be loved, and everyone deserves to be loved. I haven't found anyone yet, and when I think I do, it backfires in my face, royally. Our common goal, is that we want to seek someone who loves us for who we are, at least I feel as if that is the case. Someone who is not only in it for the sex, and someone who is not just looking to let off steam. We HAVE to hold out for them, because the lovers we look for are out there. Waiting for the day that we meet. But we need to be there, and ready for that day.

If we want to meet that significant other. We need to be stronger. When life hits hard, we get up and keep moving. We need to build ourselves up, become self reliant, and learn how to show the best of ourselves, and not be afraid to show the worse.

I hate to ask for help, because often I am the one who is helping everyone else. I've been promoting self-reliance, but that is only a part of it. We need to be able to find the courage to let out how we feel. Your parents want to know what is going on inside. It sounds like they are among the ones who have supported you. Help them help you. You'd be amazed how much it helps to let someone know how you truly feel. At first it seems hard or awkward, but it really helps once you start to open up. How can a problem be fixed if no one understands what the problem is, let alone that there IS a problem.

I've been subject to putting on false emotions. They are destructive. You hold everything in, pretend to be okay, it will all come out at once. There are times that we need to be strong for others, and trek along quietly. However, there are times we need to let the world know, that crap is screwed up. Again, you are a human, and you have needs, you have wants, and you have issues. Emotions are not meant to be suppressed. If anyone has an issue with you exhibiting your emotions, they can go screw themselves.


You have endured for a long time. I can tell. I may not know you but I can tell. I understand you have issues with self harm, cutting and stuff perhaps because when pain is self inflicted, it numbs your emotions. At least, that's what it did for me... Everyday, you have a chance to turn this thing around, your life. Find something that can help make your happy, go out and find your purpose, allow yourself to be expressed, don't be afraid to tell your family or anyone how you feel. because you FEEL, you are human. Build yourself up and find contentness in life, and your lover will come to you.

I do care about you, and throughout what you wrote my heart sank because I understand you. I want you to get back on your feet and move forward, and hold a grin on your face, because this can be done. You are only 18, and you have much awaiting for you. A myriad of adventures, new people, new places, new songs, new everything awaiting. Don't throw this towel in.

You are welcome to message me whenever you want, and I will hear you out and respond. Tell me your life story, tell me your frustration, tell me anything. This community is here to help, when all else may seem like it is failing. I will even be gladly you to tell you anything about myself, whatever it will take to make you feel comfortable, and make you feel that there truly is hope and a path that will lead you back to happiness.

No one should ever have to take life on alone, and you don't have to.
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