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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bellabel19 Offline
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Name: Bella
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Nothing to live for - April 19th 2011, 12:19 AM

I have depression and have been struggling with it for a few years now. Recently, it's gotten so bad that I was somewhat suicidal. I wanted to die. I didn't attempt it out of fear, and that I didn't want to hurt my mom like that. She gets really upset when she hears about suicides so I couldn't do that to her. In school I just started crying every day, unable to handle anything. Finally I had to run to the social workers office and talk to someone before I burst out crying in French class. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. I talked to a counselor, and he talked to my mom about how I'm feeling, but she hasn't said or done anything. I'm not necessarily suicidal at this point, but I'm still very depressed.

I feel like I have nothing to live for. I'm not important. I'm not worth anything. I don't do anything really, and I haven't contributed to society in any way. I haven't volunteered my time except for a few occasions. I haven't done anything extraordinary. I don't have talents. I used to be very good at art, and one day I just stopped. I can sing well but don't have anywhere to sing, or anyone to sing for. What's my worth? Nothing. My town is so small that I don't really have friends that live here that I actually hang out with and can go to. I have nothing to do. I've tried to get into different hobbies and back into art, and nothing's worked.

All I do it seems is sit on my computer all day. My brother constantly makes fun of me for it and will make remarks about it to anyone and everyone he can, and my parents say nothing. He's younger than me and allowed to pretty much verbally abuse me whenever he wants. My parents say nothing. His insults themselves don't hurt, it's that they let him slander me in public and call me names to my face, right in front of them. When I fight back and insult him instead, I get screamed at. There is definitely a favorite child. So yup, I just sit on my computer all day. Real life is boring. I try finding stuff to do. I read. I write. I draw. I watch some TV. I go on walks. Nothing keeps my attention. Nothing entertains me.. so I go online. I blog a lot, I have a Tumblr and stuff. But it feels like I'm invisible there, too. I waste my time all day and I try to stop, but nothing helps. I hang out with friends and that's always fun, but then of course there comes a point where we must go home, and I'm just sitting around doing nothing again.

I honestly hate myself. I might have good looks and I might be smart, but honestly, why should I actually like myself? I don't deserve to be liked. I don't deserve to even be here. I don't contribute anything. I don't have a passion for anything anymore. I used to learn foreign languages... then other people did, and they got credit for knowing everything. They were always the ones asked for help in languages. I'm always ignored and unknown.

I've always felt like an outcast. Ever since kindergarten, I've felt different. I've been the odd-one-out and even my parents have recognized this. I feel as if the world is standing in a circle and I'm on the outside, trying to nudge my way in, but no matter how hard I try I'm always looking in. I'm scared this will never change, even when I go to college. I don't want to live like this. I always feel alone.

I see a psychologist. I'm on anti-depressants. I have friends. I make an effort to find new hobbies. I try to do things, but nothing works. I always end up sitting on my computer all day, wasting time. I'm lonely even in groups. I feel weird. I'm single all the time. I'm just different. I don't contribute anything. I'm not worth anything. Theoretically if I did die, yes, people would be sad. There would probably be a lot of people at my funeral. However, within a year or so, no one besides my parents and maybe my friends would remember my name. No one would look back and say, "I wonder what Bel would've said about this". I'm worthless and I really have nothing to live for. I don't even have the right to feel this way. I have a relatively good family life, at least compared to some. I have good friends, I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat, clothes to wear and a good school to go to. Life is pretty ideal. I can't really complain about anything and yet I'm sad. I know it's just the chemicals in my brain making me feel this way, but I feel hopeless and depressed. When I try to talk to people in real life, it's "complaining". I don't want to bother people with my problems. I just want them to go away. I want myself to go away.

I'm not going to kill myself. But sometimes I wish I could.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
bellabel19 Offline
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Re: Nothing to live for - April 21st 2011, 01:17 AM

No one? Could've used some support...
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: Nothing to live for - April 21st 2011, 03:55 PM

Hey there.

Firstly I want to apologise about the late reply and I hope that nothing has gotten worse since your first post.

Things seem really quite bad for you right now and you sound quite low. Do you know if there is anything that is causing you to feel this way? It could be something thats happened to you in the past etc? If there is then I want you to know that you are more than welcome to talk to us about it if you feel able to and we will try to support you as best as we can. If not perhaps it is something you could think about to see if there is anything specific making you feel this way.

Talking to people can be really good and its something I definitely want to encourage you to do in the future. Sometimes it can be hard to psychically tell someone whats going on for you so if you don't feel able to say the words perhaps you could try writing it down as a letter to let someone know how you're feeling so that they can help you. It's really good that you are getting help for the way you feel and that you're trying medication because depression is managebale and curable.

I think right now finding a hobbie, something which you are passionate about could be really useful. You say you like singing so why not start recording yourself and putting it on youtube (Remember to stay safe!) or getting singing lessons. Ask your school if you practice a piece and perform in assembly. Tr doing art again, try taking up a sport like running, dancing. Try making new friends or going to youth clubs or after school clubs.

Set yourself goals and aim high and reach your potential because your more than capable. You say you live in a small town where theres not much to do and perhaps not much of a future. How about planning on moving away and starting a career somewhere else? You have to start really thinking about what you want to do in the future to use that as something to hold on to.

Beauty isn't all about what you look like. Have you ever looked inside of you in sense if your personality? Because to me you sound like a lovely young person who is just having a few struggles. I think you're beautiful in your own way.

I know things are real hard for you right now but I also know that it won't be this way and that it will get better. It's just going to be hard work and take time but you can and will get there so never ever give up.

Stay strong.

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
bellabel19 Offline
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Re: Nothing to live for - April 21st 2011, 04:43 PM

Thank you for your reply... Things have gotten slightly better, but I can't really say they are better. I'm not suicidal at the moment so I guess that's what I mean. The counselor at school called my mom and told her she needs to talk to me, but she hasn't done anything. I've blogged about how I feel and no one's replied or noticed. Actually my best friend has, but it doesn't help (I feel horrible for saying that, but my best friend really doesn't help at all even if she means to). No one else though.

I really want to sing. I do occasionally post myself singing on my blog, and I was in my school musical this year... "Phantom of the Opera". I think we're only one of 6 high schools that's ever attempted it, and we were probably the first (or maybe second). It was the most amazing experience I've ever had. We did better than the movie version. I constantly have songs stuck in my head and I just want to belt them out. I don't sing at home because my parents don't shut up about "how good I am". My school has an annual singing competition and each year, my dad filmed my singing and sent it to the entire family. I don't want that. I don't want them to talk about it and I don't want anyone else to. It's not a big deal and they dont understand that, so I refuse to sing around them (I will sing infront of an audience of hundreds, but I will not sing in my house when people are around). I've asked the music teacher if there are any ways to sing in school (this was when Phantom was ending) and the only way is to join a singing group, but I don't have time in my schedule to and there's no afterschool groups (which frankly, I don't understand).

My school has 2,000 people in it and yet I can't seem to meet anyone new. I'm in many clubs in activities. In fact, the musical was the best time of my life, because for months we were like a family (it's like a cult haha. Our acting group is so talented but also close-knit). I felt like I belonged somewhere. But now it's over. I do Aikido, which is a martial art, and have been doing it for almost 12 years. I'm aobut to get my black belt, and could've had it already.. but I feel so unmotivated and fatigued and I just don't want to go anymore. When I do go, my form falls apart. I become sloppy no matter how hard I concentrate. I don't know what to do. This long and I still haven't gotten it? 12 years and just now I'm falling apart? I'm such a failure.

I'm actively visiting colleges and that just makes it worse it seems. I have a 93 GPA but I'm still not good enough. I'm stupid. A 93 GPA isn't hard, just do homework. I can't take tests though. I bomb SATs and ACTs because I don't do well under standardised test conditions. And plus, I'm looking into Brown University. That's my dream school. A 93 GPA isn't nearly good enough for Brown. I'd be laughed out of the admissions office. Every college I look at, I like it but I don't think I could ever get in. It also makes me depressed because I'm a junior, and I still have one year left to go before I can go to college. I dream of college. I need to go there. Most of my friends this year are seniors, so next year, aside from a few people, I'm going to be very, very alone. I know pretty much everyone in my graduating class. There's not many people I could be friends with. If only I were a year older. I belong in the senior class. I don't want to spend another year here.

And yes, I examine myself on the outside and inside. All I see are flaws. It's not a matter of "focus on what you like about yourself". It's a matter of, "Yes, I have good traits.. but I'm such an F-ing freak that none of that matters". Whenever I tell myself "no, that's not true", it just seems like a cheesy scene out of a movie. That's not real life. That's not how things are. It's not cured like that.
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