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bellabel19 Offline
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Terrified of losing him - April 21st 2011, 02:47 AM

I can't even describe this boy. I wrote paragraph after paragraph describing him and his story, and our story, and our background.. then I just erased it all. It's pointless. Let's just say, I've grown up with this boy and he even lives on my street. He has made me who I am today and taught me most of what I know. I was in love with him for years on end. I still do love him. I will always love him. I will never romantically love him again, as we have a 5+ year "history", but I can not stress enough how much I love him. I cry when I think about losing him, which is the topic of this...

He's apathetic about everything. He doesn't care about anything, especially himself it seems. He's a little too go with the flow. He has terrible depression, worse than me. I asked him if I could go over and smoke weed (don't judge me) because I was becoming suicidal and needed something, anything to make me feel better. He replied saying that he understands how I feel, and that he's had suicide attempts recently. He started saying how when his depression gets bad, he not only gets suicidal thoughts, but acts on them. I've known that he harms himself for awhile, but I didn't know he was actually suicidal (actually he attempted suicide last year and went to a mental hospital on his own will to make sure he could stop himself... but there was a reason behind that one. His life was turned upside down and ruined. Completely f***ed up). I told him that I'm always here for him, be it now or 20 years in the future, he just needs to pick up the phone.

He replied with "Look, no offense... but I'm ready to die. I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself, but just in case I already have a will ready". I tried to talk him out of it, and he got mad and said it was "Too negative of a subject" (LOL. HE'S the one talking about suicide and then says it's negative)

Knowing him, he's serious. He's not in delusions. He knows how he is, and I know that he isn't kidding. I'm terrified that one day I'll get a call saying that he's gone. And the worst part is, something inside of me knows it might very well happen. I'm almost preparing myself for it, but I cry when I even start to think of it.

This boy has made me who I am. As much as we have a love/hate relationship, he is a part of me. If he's gone, part of me is gone. I can't live without him, even if it's 20 years in the future and we haven't talked or seen each other in decades. It would be so devastating, I wouldn't know what to do... worst yet, what if it's in college? It happens to be that we're looking at colleges right next to each other. I'm looking into Brown, he's looking into RISD (I actually cringe at this, because I really want to get away from him so I can be emotionally free).

Basically... I'm terrified. Talking to him about it is no use. Trust me. I know him so well that if I thought it was worth pursuing a conversation about, I would've already. If I lose him, I will never recover. And the scariest part is, something inside of me is sure it might happen. I know that one day, I might get a call...
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Blair Offline
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Re: Terrified of losing him - April 21st 2011, 06:52 AM

Hey Bella,
I'm sorry things are so hard on you with all this stress over your friend =( Apathy is a dangerous thing especially when someone gets apathetic to life and just shuts down...it's scarry to watch that happen to someone you're close to. I have a strong beleif that as long as someone's breathing, it's not too late for them. Your friend may seem to have given up on himself but the best thing you can do for him right now is to let him know that you haven't given up on him and never ever will. Talk to him about the reasons he's not don living yet. Even if it doesn't seem to click with him, just keep on reinforcing all the positives he's got in this world and also talk to him about the hurt he'd leave behind if he quit on living. I'm making an assumption here, but I'm thinking this guy's probably close to your age? Try explaining to him that he hasn't even lived half a life and how much time he has to find love and happiness. Be there for him like you already are and don't be afraid to approach the subject when you feel like you need to. Ultimately, everyone's life is their own but you never know how much sway you hold with someone until you try to use it full force. Also, if you're scared he's at a really really immidiately dangerous risk, tell somebody who can help him even more than you can as a friend. It's better that he stay alive than that you uphold some sort of confidentiality. I know how it is to be scared for the life of someone you love. All I can say is that I hope some of this helped and if you ever wanna talk or vent or whatever my PM box is open. Goodluck with everything

Just Keep Breathing
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