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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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BlueWolf Offline
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How do you do it? - April 30th 2011, 05:59 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So many people who suffer with mental illnesses are so successful. They make good grades and carry on. I can't do it. For awhile, I could fight off the pain enough for me to make decent grades and to hide it away from my friends. Not a single person that I knew in real life had any idea. Now, my grades are majorly slipping. I'm not attending most of my classes because my body hurts too much to move, and so does the rest of me. I can't make myself do any work anymore because I see no point, no hope, and the pain is so great. It's like my brain has some deadly illness that has me paralyzed. My body feels heavy and hollow. I don't see a point in doing anything at all except sleep. I feel exhuasted all the time even though I get more than enough sleep. I refuse to see any of my friends still. It's been months and the only one I see is my boyfriend. I can't wear the mask anymore. It feels impossible to even fake a smile now. It's amazing that I don't fall asleep walking I'm so tired. I just tried to talk to my mom about it, but she just said 'well figure something out. I can't help you, I have work to do, so your on your own'. For once I actually tried to seek help when I was desperate to hide everything. But this is too much. No one even seems to realize it. I'm trying to cry, but my eyes are too tired and that would take too much effort and drain me even more. I don't even have the energy for that. I try to cut, but I feel nothing from it now and I have to stop before I move to a more noticable spot. My mind is normally racing, but right now it's blank, and no matter how hard I try to grab for ideas, I come up with nothing. I'm surprised I even thought of typing something up on here. I must do something, or the end for me is coming very soon. Normally, the pain comes and goes in waves, but lately, it's not going anywhere. What is up with this? It's never ceasing now. Can I live in my bed forever? The only time when my mind isn't blank is when I contemplate suicide or have paranoid thoughts drive me crazy. It feels like someone is wringing out all the blood from my heart and I'm shriveling up. I can't keep this up.

I don't see my doctor for a long time either. And my therapy and medication is doing shit. How many more years will I have to suffer? Each one only gets worse. I've been planning how to die for some time now. Once I have the perfect plan and everything is set... that's it. All I need is a fool proof way. Even in my dreams I feel like I'm being called away, like I just feel like it's my time. my dreams feel more real then when I'm awake. Everything around me seems fake. It's like I'm never awake.

Maybe I should try harder to get my mom's attention? But what could she do anyway? I'm thinking of taking summer off from school. It's not like I can handle it. Just waking up is hard enough. Besides, I might not make it through the whole summer. Who knows.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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Re: How do you do it? - April 30th 2011, 09:38 PM

Wait, Jessica, if you're tired all the time, that could be a further medical problem, too.

As I have said before, if the treatment you're getting right now isn't working, maybe you should try something new. New doctors? New therapists? You explained before why it's hard, but maybe you could see if any cities near you (or near your dad's, maybe?) could help you find somebody new. There are plenty of Mental Health services, just try contacting the ones in the bigger cities. You might even be able to e-mail them, which would probably help a lot.


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Overall, Dare to be yourself.

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BlueWolf Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Re: How do you do it? - April 30th 2011, 10:22 PM

My mom thought it was some other medical problem. I can feel exhuasted without being upset or worried or anything. So we thought it was unrealated and I have gotten a TON of blood work done despite being terrified of needles. Anyway, they said they found nothing wrong.

I can't go see any other doctors or therapists. I was at another near by place, but I HATED the doctor, and went to my only other option which is the place I'm at now. I can't go anywhere else because it's government run and I'm broke. So I can go for free.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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