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1529 Offline
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Feel like I'm stuck in limbo - May 5th 2011, 02:43 PM

Sorry this is so long, but I really need to let this out and hope for some advice.

A year ago, my parents split. I'd always had a very happy family life and everyone always said how perfect my parents were together. My mum had been having an affair and I found myself resenting her and growing closer to my dad. I had a couple of months of extreme sadness and crying constantly, but then I started to feel numb. Eventually, I grew to not care about it anymore and became toughened to everything. I had the happiest summer of my life and continued to be the happiest and most confident I've ever been up until near Christmas time. I couldn't see myself ever being depressed again in my life, I was that happy. I was excited about uni and the future and didn't seem to get upset about anything.

However, since 2011 started, I've found myself growing deeper into depression. As Year 13 is coming to an end, I've found the majority of my friends to not be true friends at all and although I have a few good friends, I feel it's not enough for me. I've turned into a person who feels lonely so easily.

I miss my relationship with my mum. I used to idolise her, but now I find it hard to feel close to her a lot of the time. She is still single and obsessed with the guy she had an affair with and acts like an 18 year old going out all the time. She just acts weird and seems like a complete wreck and it's upsetting for me to watch. But I find it hard to talk to her. I feel guilt of leaving her single when I go off to uni. She's said she'd kill herself if she didn't have her 2 children not long ago.

My dad has had a girlfriend for a while and I barely see him now. We're all still living in the same house due to financial reasons and waiting to move, but people pulled out of the chain the other week so we're back to square one. That's why they're always both out separately, because it's weird all being in the house together. So when I come home, it's always just me and my bro. My family life is just ruined. My nan is dying so my mum has that worry too and a lot of the family don't talk now. I used to see my family all the time but I rarely see a lot of my family members now.

Because of what happened last year, I didn't try in my AS levels and I'm paying for it now. I won't make my firm choice, there's no way. Although I still like my insurance choice, I feel like I've failed myself. I feel angry at my mum for ruining everything and can't help but blame her for my poor results. She keeps encouraging me not to go to uni and it may sound silly, but that upsets me so much. My parents used to push me to reach my dreams before they split and now my mum never encourages me anymore, almost like she doesn't care. I don't even feel that excited about uni anymore, which I don't understand because I was so excited before.

I'm just sick of everything. Even having a job used to help me a lot because I was earning and had a good time there, but the company closed at Christmas and I haven't been able to find one since. It meant I couldn't book a holiday either, which I feel I need for the summer. I went last year with a friend and that was what actually what got me to the most confident and highest point in my life, so it's a big deal to me.

The way I've been feeling scared me so much recently that I called my friend to pick me up because I felt frightened on my own. Not like I would kill myself, but my thoughts just scared me. I've felt constantly worried, nervous, depressed and ill. I'm losing weight and my hair is falling out and I've had thoughts of what is the point in life. I keep having horrible thoughts of death and what if I get cancer etc etc and it sounds so ridiculous, but I do. The way I'm feeling terrifies me and is completely unlike my character. I've always been positive most of my life.

Is it because I'm stuck in limbo? Waiting to go to uni is driving me literally crazy. I think it's what I need to move on with my life and be happy again. Nothing here makes me happy anymore.
   
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Re: Feel like I'm stuck in limbo - May 5th 2011, 07:42 PM

1529, it sounds like you are really going through a difficult time right now. I'm really sorry that everything appears to be falling apart in your life. Everything you mentioned sounds like its overwhelming you.

Though you say that nothing here makes you happy anymore, that isn't true. Nothing you HAVE right now is making you happy. But sometimes its just a matter of finding it. Do you have any hobbies? Draw, sing, dance whatever. When i get really discouraged with this life, I try to do something. Almost anything will work for me, except cross-stitching...

After I am cheered up, I try to look at all the different things that are bothering me. If I can't do anything to fix any of the problems, (and it sounds like you can't) then I try and just let go of them. Most definitely they will still bug me, but if I realize that I can't fix them, then I have to understand that if I continue to allow them to bother me, then they will end up controlling me and my life. I don't want that to happen, so I have to be smarter than that.

Maybe you could try seeking out a church or bible study to attend that deals with struggles like your own. This could help you deal with it, and even find support.

And its not silly to look forward to going to uni, no matter what your mother says. Sometimes people say stuff that is hurtful to try and make themselves feel better. Please try and let it roll off your back... She may be hurting beneath all her giddiness about her bf.

Try and get encouragement from looking forward to whatever will get you through. If that is treating yourself to a bowl of ice cream, or hanging out with friends. Then do it and try to find purpose and happiness in the little things. Life is very discouraging if you are feeling lonely, so try to reach out to others and make friends. Probably there is a perfect partner out there close to you that is also lonely, depressed, and needs companionship. Life has so many possibilities and things to enjoy, if you only take the time to find them.

Good luck, and I'll be thinking and praying for you.
   
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