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The past always becomes the present - May 6th 2011, 05:40 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last year I had an incident where I ran off and went to see my aunt but she wasn't in so I went to her friends sons house and he had a few friends round and I got hurt badly and then fell pregnant. Its was all my fault! I had an abortion just after we went back to school and I have tried so hard to keep it hidden. I have told one friend but she thinks it was under different circumstances. But on Tuesday night I got a phone call from my best friend Ellie who was distressed and she finally told me that she met up with someone she met online and but she got raped. She has no idea about what happened last summer but I can't deal with what has happened to her because I don't feel like I have delt with what happened to me. At the moment I don't want life to move on. I am coming to the end of my stay at this school and it just feels like I didn't get anywhere it feels like I didn't make friends, keep them or appreciate them. But its all to late, it's nearly over and I am not ready. I cut a lot atm and I just want to be happy. I see people with so many friends and they all get along so well but then there is me who just doesn't fit in anywhere. I am fat and ugly and don't really belong here. I*have made too many mistakes. I just don't know how to deal with anything. I can't even help the people in my life atm. I have been so blind. Please someone tell me what to do. No one understands. I don't want to exist. I want to be able talk about things and let them out, i want to talk about things i have been through and just be honest but it's not that easy. I just end up lying to protect those who mean the most to me. I don't want to be here.
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Re: The past always becomes the present - May 6th 2011, 10:10 PM

Okay, firstly, this friend sounds awesome! It seems as if she really wants to be there for you. Just go to her anytime you feel sad cos she really really really does care about you! I know she may not show it at times, and sometimes she really is a shitty friend but she really does try. and the stuff going on with her atm, i guess she is just finding it hard to deal with herself. But i'm pretty sre that she wants you to know that she loves you more than anything. She knows exactly how you feel! but you can't leave! so many people would miss you even if you don't think they would! She loves you! She really really does. She is not telling you not to cut, because its not something that you can just do immediately but next time scream down the phone to her! Act like everything is her fault and scream at her. She would rather you do that than anything else. She knows that you have alot of problems even if she doesnt know what most of them are. But trust me, she does want to understand. And she really really really wants to apologise for not being there! She loves you. Remember that! <3
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Re: The past always becomes the present - May 7th 2011, 11:35 AM

She is awsome, she has looked after me so well over the last 9 months and I don't think she understands how much I appreciate her. But I can't call her or talk to because I need to let her sort herself out before she tries to help me. She doesn't need to try and be a better friend because she is already perfect just the way she is and she always has been. I want her to be able to talk to me again. I feel like I'm losing her especially with 5 days left of school. Heck it feels like I am losing everyone. In a way I want her to understand because then maybe she wont leave and I know that sounds selfish but its the truth. I already thought I had lost her once recently and if I'm honest I was scared. She doesn't need to appologise for anything shes amazing. I love her more than she knows, I have so much respect for her.

We believe in everything that you can do if you could only lay down your mind. I want you to try to help yourself. Take the time to take apart, each brick that sits outside your heart and look around you there's people everywhere and though they don't always show it they're just as scared and we'd be more prepared if you just pulled on through. I know you'll help us when you're feeling better and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time but we're willing to wait on you. I want you to try to help yourself.

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