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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ohjoy Offline
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Age: 28

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Unhappy it's getting so hard - May 8th 2011, 11:10 PM

the last 4 or 5 years of my life have been the hardest. my parents got divorced, and then pushed us aside when they found a new boyfriend/girlfriend. my siblings and i have felt second best for quite sometime now, and adjusting to new living arrangements and family members has been extremely hard. i decided to live with my mom because he boyfriend had a son who 'liked me.' we snuck around and messed around for 2 years. i would worry about being pregnant, and stupid things like that always leaving me in fear. i pushed away all my friends because of him, and he treated me like shit the entire time. i credit my fear of relationships to him. i know i repress my past when it comes to him.
my mom's boyfriend and his son lived 40 mins away from our house. we would drive there every night, taking me away from my friends i went to school with. eventually, i drifted too far away and ended up with one friend left. the last 2 years of high school were lonely and sad for me. i didn't have any freedom and did not get my license until a few months before i turned 18.
i just finished my first year of college. i had been depressed and mostly isolated up until the beginning of college, but when i got there i made friends fast and i was doing great in school. after a month, i started going back to my old ways, and now i'm stuck. i rarely know what to say because my mind always goes blank. i'm not sure how to handle social situations, which makes me awkward to be around. because i know i will always be awkward, i fear talking to people or even passing them on the sidewalk. i'm living with a fear of people, which might be one of the hardest things to do, ever.
it tears me apart because the only thing i can do is sit at home with my family. i feel so useless because i can't interact with people. my mind is so scattered. i can't get close with people anymore, i just don't know how.
now that i have moved out of my dorm, i don't really have a place of my own. my mom moved in with her boyfriend, and there is no room for me to have my own space. so my stuff is scattered throughout the basement. it isn't a home. i have to sleep on the couch. it's not much better at my dads. he has a wife, who is controlling. she and i don't get along, and we never really have. i never feel welcome in that house and they have outrageous rules. i just want to go back to school, because i feel like its my only home.
i feel like i have the memory of a 90 year old. i can't remember a catchy song from a commercial i saw 2 mins before hand. i feel like i'm getting more stupid everyday. i used to be witty and always have something to say, but now i don't.
my friends at school always hug each other, but for some reason i don't. i always used to want to cuddle, but now i feel weird when people touch me. this is not how i want to be. this isn't me! i'm so broken right now.
i'm so scared that i'm never going to get better. i want to know i can get better. i want to start loving myself so i can be in a loving relationship.
i've tried 2 antidepressants, and both haven't worked for me. the first one made it so i couldn't sleep. the second one gave me awful thoughts so i stopped taking it.
i used to see a therapist, but it was not this bad at the time. she moved to a office farther away so i have not seen her in a very long time. i know i need to go back. i'm dedicating this summer to getting better.
i know this is really scattered but i hope one of you will have something to say to help me, or help me feel better.
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Re: it's getting so hard - May 9th 2011, 05:56 AM

well idk much about divorce..it sounds like it sucks tho :/ As for depression and treatment, I had to try like 6 different anti depressants before i found the one that really helped me. But once you find it things get so much better. If your therapist moved far away, then find another one who is closer to you. Seeing a professional is really important, especially if ur taking anti depressants. they need to monitor ur progress. hope i helped a lil bit. Im always here if you ever wanna talk about anything

"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -Ida Scott Taylor
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