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bellabel19 Offline
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There's something wrong with me - May 10th 2011, 11:02 PM

K so I already posted something here and I don't want to attention-whore but I have to get stuff out. I think I am going insane. There is literally something wrong with me. I already have pretty bad depression but now it's really affecting me. My mood will change instantly, for no reason at all. This morning, I was insanely happy. I was bouncing around and really hyper and I hadn't felt that good for a really long time. No reason for it either, but I was happy! And then the entire day was pretty great, and all of a sudden when I was eating dinner, I got sad again. It just washed over me. And then, I got angry. Extremely irritated and short-tempered, and started making snappy remarks to anything that I could. I didn't even want to, I was just so angry! I don't even know why. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I'm extremely depressed, and then occasionally I get really really mad for no reason at all. My friend has some serious issues and he always used to get very angry for no reason. I thought he was kind of crazy (I love this guy to death, though. I'm not trash-talking him or anything. I look out for him) and now I think I'm just like him.

My depression just also seems to just get worse, no matter what I do. Pills, psychologists, friends, nothing helps. It's the end of junior year and I'm very stressed, and my dad is unemployed and my mom's school laid her off so after June, she won't have a job anymore either. All I feel like is a financial burden. My parents have to pay for the SAT tonight in June. We somehow don't qualify for a reduced price program. My friend who's an immigrant and who's mom is unemployed and her step-dad is out of the picture and only pays just enough money so they can pay the rent on their extremely tiny house does not even qualify for that. They make it purposely impossible to get a reduced price. So anyway, now my parents have to pay between $45-60, I'm not sure, for me to take some test that doesn't actually mean anything about a person. My prom is saturday, and my mom is paying for shoes and a clutch bag and a haircut. My grandmas and aunt have pitched in for the ticket and part of the dress, but it's still a ton of money. My parents also have to pay $23 each if they want to attend the induction dinner for National Honor Society that I'm going to. Including paying for me, too. I'm tempted to ask one of them not to go, but they're both proud of me (I don't even see why, though. Obtaining a 90.0+ GPA is not very hard for me. I barely do anything). I have a job, but it's minimum wage and I only work for 3 hours for one day. Business is extremely slow (I doubt she'll even be able to stay open for another year or two) so she can't afford to give anyone more hours. I desperately need money though... I'm just a financial burden. Next year, they also have to pay application fees for every college I apply to. And then there's real college. I feel so guilty. I mean, who am I to take their money? I don't deserve to be spent on. We have no money at all and without my mom's job it's just going to get harder. I can't ask them for any more and yet I don't earn enough to pay for things on my own.

I don't even know what to do anymore.
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bellabel19 Offline
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Re: There's something wrong with me - May 10th 2011, 11:11 PM

Also, just to add, I think I have real problems. Like, symptoms of autism. I hate my hands getting dirty. I hate loading the dishwasher because I have to touch dirty dishes. I don't care if I can just wash my hands afterwards, I can not touch that stuff! However, I am not a neat-freak germaphobe. My room is insanely messy. I will delightfully touch things with certain textures, especially things like pizza dough or silly-putty. I may not like getting my hands dirty, but I love getting my feet dirty. To me, there is no greater joy than walking barefoot in soft grass, and even through dirt and mud. I will walk down the street barefoot without a problem. I love being barefoot and as long as it's not sharp rocks or dog poop or something else gross, I really don't care what I step in/on.

I also go out of my way to avoid touch. I've always been uncomfortable with touch. Not like hugs, but quick, unintentional touch, like brushing up against someone in a tight space. That's the most irritating kind, like a bug buzzing in your ear. The only people I'm okay with touching me are my mom and my boyfriend (if I have one). When I have a boyfriend, I absolutely love hugs, holding hands and cuddling. Basically, physical contact is okay. I crave it. And I don't get irritated if my mom hugs me or brushes up against me. However, if anyone else does, I get extremely uncomfortable and inch away. If my brother especially does it (It seems everything he does annoys me). In the car, if I have to sit in the back with him and his elbow touches me or something, I absolutely freak out. I think it's reasonable- why can't he keep his elbows in his own goddamn space? He uses the dog (who often goes in the car with us) as an excuse, like, "I was putting my arm around the dog!" but seriously. It's possible to not have your elbow touching my arm constantly if you want to hug the dog.

Also, in situations in such as passing a pencil or an object to another person, I also get uncomfortable. To me, nothing is more awkward than then your fingers accidentally touch when handing something to another person. Sometimes I'll let go before my hand gets that close.

The craving of certain textures and aversion to certain touches are symptoms of autism. My mom says I just have mild sensory issues, but I still feel like a freak (not saying people with autism are freaks. My cousin is autistic. I hope you get what I'm saying). My psychologist also thinks I have mild social anxiety- always thinking I'm being judged on what I'm saying, feeling like I don't belong even with my friends, when actually I really do and am not being judged (as much) as I think.

There's just something wrong with me. I'm such a freak. I'm not normal.
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*CatchingStars* Offline
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Re: There's something wrong with me - May 10th 2011, 11:20 PM

wow lots to read so ima post while reading just to make sure im getting every thing

the mood swings happens when one has depression maybe talk to your parents or a school couselor it may help find out what it might be and in order for your depression to get better you need to let ppl in let them know whats going on and accept the advice being given and believe in yourself and it may not be autism it may just be you dont like it but ask your family doctor to find for sure even if it is nothing to worry about you will function fine you are now anyway theres nothing wrong with not like touching things with yoour hands honestly im the same way i have to rinse things really well before putting them in the dishwasher but my room is a mess most of the time and you're not a freak hey no ones normal we all have are wired things we do your still you and thats all that matters hun so dont worry see a doctor get some answeres may make you feel better about yourself even if you do have autism you have answers and it wil be easier to deal with something when you know whats wrong feel free to pm me hun

Life is too

Short to spend

It at war with


Iím catching stars in the sky because I am fixing the soul within me. May it be from the heart a girl broke years ago or my soul simply repairing itself as it was shattered on my walk on this earth. May the stardust fill those cracks within my soul making me brand new, but never forgetting who I once was.

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