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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Evanescent Offline
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Something is wrong with me - May 15th 2011, 02:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I need to kill myself but I don't want to die, if that makes any sense? I want to be able to live but I can't live like this. If this is the way it's going to be, the way it has been for almost 9 years there is no point in living. I can't take the pain. Something is wrong with me. I need help, not out patient, I need to either go back to the hospital or go back into residential care, if not I'm not going to live more than two more weeks. I want to be here for my siblings but I'm only hurting them being like this. I've tried so hard to get better and it's not working. Even all my doctors and therapists told me that this is something I am going to have to fight for my entire life, I can't do that. I can't spend every moment of my life thinking of death. I can't deal with the flashbacks or nightmares. I can't handle the hallucinations. I can't bear to see the disappointment in my family's eyes everytime I hurt myself. I didn't ask to be this way. I don't want to be this way. I don't think anyone would ask to be in so much pain. I know that I promised my therapist I wouldn't kill myself until november, but this is the one promise I have made that I cannot keep. I'm sorry but I can't do it anymore.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 15th 2011, 05:31 AM

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. Nobody should have to feel that way.

What is it that's hurting you so much?
What is it that your doctor's and therapist's say that you have to fight for your entire life?
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 15th 2011, 05:53 AM

I have a long list of mental disorders plus a long list of physical diseases that prevent me from living anything remotely close to a normal life. I have extreme physical and emotional pain. The emotional pain comes from years of abuse and neglect which I have flashbacks and nightmares from every single day and night. I can't stand to be awake because of all the emotional/physical pain, the flashbacks the hallucinations, etc...but at the same time I can't bear to be alseep because of the nightmares. It's a lose lose situation.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 15th 2011, 06:03 AM

Wow that must hurt a lot. No wonder you're in so much pain.
However, that doesn't mean you should kill yourself. That's not the only solution.
I know it's hard and you are in pain, but you've made it this far and that shows that you're a fighter. A strong one.
I think that you should keep fighting. You said yourself that you don't want to die, so just stay strong.
One thing that might help is to think positive. Think about your future. Your signature says "future social worker." You won't be able to do that if you end your life.
So just stay positive. You'll get through this.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 15th 2011, 11:21 AM

If you feel like you need to be in inpatient care, ask your therapist. They should listen to you and it might be just what you need.

Suicide isn't worth it. Most people survive suicide, some with severe health problems. My boyfriend has attempted 5 times and has ended up destroying his heart valves. Now with all your other health problems do you really need that?

On top of that it destroys you mentally. I'm not the same person i was before I attempted. All the memories of the hospital, and running away from the hospital hurt a lot more than i'd have ever imagined and it changed me. It made things worse for me.

It's not worth it, it's not worth all the pain it causes for you and everyone around you. Tell your therapist how you feel and that you want inpatient care.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 16th 2011, 12:41 AM

I know how a suicide attempt changes you. I have survived 19 serious suicide attempts, however I figured out where I was flawed. My therapist just isn't listening to me. For the past two weeks she has just kind of brushed it off when I tried to explain how bad this is getting. It's like she's not hearing me. I hate going to the hospital, I really hate it but I am scared that I'm going to kill myself and my dad's going to come home and find me and that's going to screw him up so bad that he goes back to drugs. I'm not scared of killing myself I'm just scared of how this is going to hurt my dad, my siblings, and my best friends. But the thing is I know that evenually they will be okay, where with me, I'm not going to be okay.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 16th 2011, 09:51 PM

You already know what you need and want to do! If you really want to and know that you need inpatient treatment then get yourself over to a hospital! You already know you want it! GO! It will make you safe and they will help you start to get the help you need. A lot of times they don't just keep you there until your all better. But they will keep you there until you have a healthy plan laid out to deal with your emotions. But if you tell them that you do not feel safe leaving they wont make you. You really should take that step for yourself and go to the hospital!

Residential care/Temp houses will help you on a daily basis dealing with your depression. That may just be your ticket if that's what you feel will help you. You can push that to your doctors when your in the treatment center. But unless you make your problems really aware it's not always easy to get into those programs.

Therapist don't mean that your always going to feel like crap your whole life. What they mean is that it is something you may always have to manage. Only YOU can find the healthy ways of managing that. Only YOU can take that first step! All my doctors told me that too and to this day I still have to keep my depression under control.

If you really do not want to kill yourself (which you don't because you said you don't and you are making the first step by posting to us) then you must take that step to better yourself. No one can take your pain away. Only you can be the one to. But it wont happen if you don't change anything.

I have been in treatment centers numerous times in my life. Inpatient and outpatient. I was almost hauled off to residential treatment center place also. If you want to talk about anything I know where your coming from. But I really hope you end up doing what is best for you. You need to take that step and go to the hospital! Good luck, be safe and be HAPPY!
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Evanescent Offline
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Re: Something is wrong with me - May 16th 2011, 10:22 PM

Well I tried to explain it my therapist today and once again she just wasn't listening. I even told her she wasn't listening and she didn't do it. So I got fed up and told her what she wanted to hear which was that I wasn't going to kill myself. I am very much against lying but I honestly didn't know what else to say. It's not that I want to go to a hospital, I hate being hospitalized but if I don't go I'm not going to be here much longer. I've been in residental 4 times before, I spent over two years total in residential but I can't live like this. And a doctor did make me leave after 4 days in the hospital even when I was crying and begging him not to because I knew that as soon as I left I was going to try to kill myself again. I have been back in that hospital since then but they don't give me that doctor anymore. I can't get my dad to take me because of the hours he works and because of how much it would upset him. And because of my insurance I need to be pink slipped which means either my therapist or casemanager has to get a doctor to evaluate me. Nobody is listening to me except you guys. And I do want to thank all of you for listening to me. I'm just not sure how else to get my point across.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
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