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MusicMusicMusic Offline
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Sooo lost. - May 18th 2011, 02:19 PM

Ahhhhhh. So my parents are very religious, and that is probably the biggest understatement in the history of the WORLD. Everything revolved around their religion. It became pretty clear to me that they cared much more that the outside of our family looked happy and perfect, than us actually being happy and perfect. I never believed in it though, and getting out of their religion was not the easiest thing. I was about 9 when I decided that I wanted out. I slowly stopped going to things like the youth activities and everything else they had on. I remember being banned from the TV for not going, and then when we finally got the internet, that too. I was always banned from something. I also remember things like, they would buy chocolate and say it was only for people who participated in church activities. Eventually, after putting up with shit like my mother coming home during church to cry at me to go, and etc, I had weaned my way out of everything church related. Maybe that was when I started feeling really disconnected from them. I felt like I wasn’t what they wanted in a kid. And I really wasn’t. My brother however was a golden child and they just loved him. He’s one year older than me and he went to all the church stuff and I don’t remember hearing him ever complain.
I think I was fully out of everything religion related when I was 12 or 13, but by that time I wasn’t a very strong kid anymore. I hated school in grades 8 and 9. I was just tired of living and I was failing pretty much everything.

By the time grade 10 came, I was pretty emotionally screwed, though no one would have known by looking at me or even talking to me. I had all intentions to drop out after grade 10, in fact I didn’t even think I’d finish the year. But it was that year that I chose music as a subject at school, which was the best decision I probably ever made. I was so good at playing many different musical instruments, I didn’t understand how not everyone can just do it so easily. Though I wasn’t GREAT, the music I had discovered made me better. It was a reason for living and I loved it.
Grade 11 for me was probably the best year of my life so far. I was doing great in music and was loving the bands I was in and I was even passing all the other subjects I didn’t even care about. In the middle of the year, I met a German exchange student. She was in one of my classes, and soon started to sit with our group at lunchtimes as she met my other friends in other classes. One day she started talking to me. She was really cool and seemed so interested in my music. Soon, it got to a point where we would have plans everyday, and even when we’d hung out all day and had both go home, she’d call my straight away. Though I was doing alright, it kinda was a time in my life when I needed someone to always rely on, and she was there. We got along so well and I felt actually happy for the first time in a long time. Obviously, being an exchange student, it wasn’t long before I had to say goodbye and watch her get on a plane. Before she left she kept making me swear that I would tell her everything that happened in my life, even the little things I thought were irrelevant, and that I would never replace her. This was at the very beginning of year 12, my final year in school. I realised then that I was in love with her. I don’t really care if I’m gay, but with my parents being so religious, I just feel its another thing in my life I didn’t need. It didn’t take her long to forget my existence. From then on, it was a very rare occasion if a day would pass without ending in me collapsing on the ground and crying for hours. I was pretty screwed up. I guess it was what triggered my depression. It felt like there was just darkness always surrounding me and I felt completely empty and numb, as if I wasn’t feeling anything but at the same time feeling everything. I began thinking everyone was out to get me, like if someone complimented me I’d think they were kidding. I don’t know why I never though that I had depression then. It seems so obvious now.

I have no idea how I did so well in music, pass everything else, always attend band rehearsals, get my licence, work so much and everything else I managed to do that year. Not only was I so unbearably sad all of the time, I was hiding it from everyone. And it just got worse and worse. I remember so many times when I thought I had absolutely nothing left to give school and life in general. I convinced myself a few times that I’d given up but the next day I would get up and keep going.

The first time I knew how much I’d lost it was during a choir rehearsal, when I realised I didn’t have enough self confidence to sway and clap in front of a bunch of people I knew. That was when I knew how much I didn’t want to live anymore. After running out of the room crying, I didn’t know what to do. I just walked straight into a prac room and cried a lot. That day after school I was walking to my car when I noticed the music student teacher we’d had lately walking behind me. I usually liked our random after school chats, but I was so close to crying again that I tried so hard to walk fast. But she called out to me and asked if I was okay. I said yes, pretty unconvincingly and she tried very hard to get it out of me. I eventually lost it and said ‘I just have way too many problems’ but just as i said it my friend came up to us, so the student teacher said goodbye and left. The next day she pulled me aside and offered to listen to me when I was ready. I really appreciated it, but telling someone was not an option in my head. For some reason I didn’t think anyone would help me. And even if they would, that I didn’t deserve it for some reason. After a few days she started slipping it into our conversations that she knew. I then started to really think about her offer. But when I considered telling her, it made me feel so sick, like I had to throw up. Eventually one day I walked past her and it just all came out. She already knew. After I told her I thought it was all over, and I would then be okay. But I didn‘t really consider what I‘d have to do. She ended up telling my actual music teacher, who in turn made me a guidance appointment and tried to talk to me herself a few times. I have no idea why I couldn’t tell her anything, she’d helped me so much over the few years I’d done music and we’d formed a friendly relationship. But nothing came out. It was the exact same when I went to guidance.

Eventually a few weeks before graduating they referred me to an actual place outside of school, they gave me a phone number and told me to call myself. I didn’t call for about out 3 months. I did however go to Germany. I got to see how my friend had completely moved on and was totally fine without me. I went so insane over there and booked my flight early to come home. Before I had gone to Germany though, I made a few more really good friends at school. I always had heaps of friends, but I never felt I could really tell them all everything like I could the German girl, but now I felt things were looking up. When I got back, they made me call the number I’d been given at school and I soon had an appointment. I got prescribed medication and for a while and it seemed to help. I had two friends that I seemed to hang out with pretty much everyday, but one of them in particular was always there for me. We became best friends pretty soon and I relied on her so much. I soon started to think I loved her more than I should and actually I was happy about that, because finally after a year and a half I wasn't pining over someone I'd seen once during that time and clearly didn't need me. I actually was just about to tell this girl too, when she told me she likes the other friend we’re always with. I didn’t cope very well with that. I’m glad I got a few weeks to deal with that news before they actually started going out. It’s not only that I quite liked her, its also that I know it’s just a matter of time before I start getting left out of everything. I hope they are very happy, though. It just seems like the story of my life. I know heaps of people care about me. My music teachers for one went so far out of their way to make sure I was okay. They still check up on me, 6 months after I’ve graduated, all of my friends have also said I can call if I need anything. I just really feel like I have no place on this earth and it would be better for everyone if I didn’t exist.


Sorry this is so long and probably didn't make much sence. Ahh and its not even the half of it. Thanks for reading.
   
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Re: Sooo lost. - May 19th 2011, 09:12 AM

Well yes, it was a long post. But it actually made very good sense, and in a way I'm glad it was this long, because it explains a lot.

I suppose I'll start from the beginning. Seems like the most logical place to start, right?

Your parents are trying to dictate their faith unto you because they feel that it's their responsibility to do so, and because they've been told by their own religious leader (likely a pastor, priest, or something else of the like). I think you already know that it would be exceedingly difficult to change your parents' mind about their faith, so that's off the table. But keep this in mind: You will always have freedom of thought. Your parents, and any other person in the world, can tell you what they want you to think. They can force it on you, cram it down your throat, but your mind belongs to you and you alone. It is, therefore, a sort of sanctuary. You are at complete liberty within yourself to create your own sense of reason, morality, ethics, and (if you should choose so) faith. While I would not advise seeking out conflict with your parents over this, you should at least be confident in your ability to stand alongside what you believe is right, and against what you believe is wrong. You always have the power of choice.

Everyone has a niche. Finding it is probably the hardest part; after it has been found, it can be exploited, enjoyed and expanded. This is exactly what you've done with music. I not only encourage you to continue with your music, but to pursue it with all of the resolve and confidence you can muster. If you have a specific instrument or singing style in which you feel especially comfortable or confident in, concentrate on that. Such devotion and emotional involvement in a hobby is rare, and it should be treasured and cherished. Never look at your music as work or labor; use it instead to release your thoughts and feelings in whatever way you see fit. Music is one of the most powerful forces a person can create, and you can shape and mold the sounds to whatever pleases your own ears.

The experience you had with the German exchange student was rather representative of life in general. People will always be coming and going, and most of their goings are beyond your control. Unfortunately, we have no control over who we fall in love with or why. There is no shame or disgust to be had in loving any person at all, but you have every right to be frustrated or flustered about it. Never be afraid to show your feelings in some way, even if it's only to yourself, as a form of admitting to yourself your thoughts or feelings. Trying to keep your thoughts completely sealed up, to the point of denying them, is dangerous and will almost certainly backfire on you in eventuality. You don't need me to tell you how dangerous that can be. And while you don't have the ability to choose who and why you love, you do have choice nonetheless. You can choose what you will do about it. You could, as you did with the exchange student, ignore the feelings and not tell the person. Or you could test the waters in which you are unfamiliar, and see where it takes you. I'll admit that outright confession of those feelings can be just as dangerous as bottling them up, but don't be afraid to express yourself to someone who you've taken an interest in. There is always risk involved, but without risk there is nothing worth doing at all.

I'm not sure if you still have any contact with the music teacher with whom you spoke so in-depth about your predicaments and feelings. If you were able to talk to her again, I highly recommend that you ask her to accompany you to the therapist you have been directed towards, or with you to anyone else with whom you think you might be able to talk to and who you think could help you in any way. The sheer relief of being able to release your thoughts and feelings can be strongly magnified by the reciprocation of kindness generated by having someone who cares for you actually do something to help you. There are many ways in which many people can help you, and all you need to do is reach out.

If and when you feel comfortable talking to someone, don't forget that you are never obliged to say everything. If you only want to give pieces of information that you're comfortable or confident in sharing, then do so. Let that person do what they can for you in helping you with whatever piece of the puzzle you've explained to them. I think you will find that as you share more with the people around you, you'll feel more free and more readily able to explain and justify your thoughts and feelings (not only to them, but to yourself as well).

Having your two best friends fall for each other is understandably difficult, but keep in mind that falling in (and out) of love is a part of growing up. While it may seem rather awkward and disheveling to have your three-way friendship thrown somewhat off-balance, you may soon discover for yourself a niche within that setup. A person will always need a best friend, someone to confide in and discuss personal matters with. Your friends will not forget you, and though they may choose to do things together without you sometimes, you shouldn't let their relationship (or any other) stand in the way of maintaining your friendship. Concordantly, you shouldn't feel afraid of discussing your thoughts or concerns with either of them. I very highly doubt that they want to hurt you in any way. Never, ever be afraid of your feelings.

I hope all of this helped in some way. If you have any questions at all, send me a private message.


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