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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
HushedAtonement Offline
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I just really need some help and support. - May 22nd 2011, 12:28 PM

I have always been self-conscious. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem. I am awkward and unresponsive in social situations. When it hits a topic I'm not comfortable with or something too personal, I close off and stop talking, maybe even leave.

When people ask me why I am obsessed with writing or why I read so much and watch TV shows with a passion they reserve for real life, they don't realise that those shows and books and especially the writing is what actually keeps me going. It keeps me from giving up hope entirely and people treat it way too lightly. It makes talking about it difficult.

No one knows my exact feelings regarding things, because I am ashamed and afraid they will laugh and I am also paranoid about the fact that they might use it against me. I don't want to let people in for fear they'll tell others or make fun of me or use the information against me. I try not to show emotions when I talk about everything that has happened to my family, because I'm afraid of what will happen if I go through the emotional torment of dealing with these feelings. And I don't want people to know everything about me.

The only person I trust, really, is my father. He's gone through a lot and he's going through a lot too, so I don't want to tell him and also, I can't talk easily to him either. I want him to be happy. Burdening him with my problems isn't going to make that happen. It doesn't help that I'm intensely scared that he's mad at me for some reason or another every single second. I always have this fear that people are mad at me and they don't even have a reason to be. I just feel like everyone hates me or is angry with me for some reason.

I just want to talk to someone, want someone to tell me what to do, because I'm losing hope. The only things I ever enjoyed are things I can't bring myself to do anymore. I feel like my writing is crap and that whatever I read I'll never be as good a writer and will never be able to absorb the books like I used to.

In class, I feel like I know nothing and like everyone's high expectations of me are completely unwarranted, because I feel useless and worhtless all of the time. I have lost all means of escape from this feeling.

And I don't know what to do anymore. This is all getting too much for me to handle and these feelings of needless jealousy of others, of not ever being good enough and not being able to talk to anyone are seriously starting to affect me more and more. I haven't been happy for an entire day or even half, in far too long.

Help me someone. Please.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - May 22nd 2011, 12:37 PM

Hey, I used to be really shy and awkward so I know how you feel. It will get easier as you get older though. I think no matter how hard it is, you just have to throw yourself into situations where you're forced to meet new people, say a new job or club or something. It feels absolutely awful at first and you just want to run away but after a while you begin to realise that things are getting easier and you're not as shy as you first thought. I remember the first time I was thrown into that situation was when I had a job interview and we were told to find out something about someone in our group and then relay it back to everyone. I just wanted to sink into the ground and disappear as it was that awkward. But now, after a few years of constantly throwing myself into those sorts of situations, whilst I'm not brilliant at it, I know longer get freaked out. So honestly, just keep trying and it will be better.

Please don't be ashamed of your feelings. Anyone who uses it against you is obviously not worth your time! With regards to the emotional torment, maybe you could tell us here what's happened to you. That way you don't have to say it out loud or say it in person, I know many people find it easier to write bad things down than say them. It's also a friendly non-judgemental environment here and you will always be offered support and advice. Or maybe you could try and be referred to a counsellor? It's something that obviously causes you pain and would be helpful if you could work through these feelings.

I'm sure you do know a lot in class. It's easy to see the negatives and put ourselves down when we're on a downer but I bet you do actually know more than you realise.

PM me if you want to chat.
   
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - May 22nd 2011, 04:50 PM

heyy hun, ino its hard but its better to tell someone how you are feeling now before things get too bad and you are unable to ask for help. as for feeling akward ino its cliche but just be yourself. but honestly, i know its hard. i still feel akward when i try to be myself because whhen i am im usually not happy and exciting. im quiet and keep to myself. but people will appriciate the real you. you shouldnt give a damn about what other people say. the only people that matter are the people that support and love you like your dad. i get what you're saying about being afraid to let people in. its super hard but once you find that right person then you usually dont care about what other people think. if you need to talk more pls pm me. im always available to listen


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Re: I just really need some help and support. - May 23rd 2011, 04:13 AM

Hi,

I am very sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Do you know why you are self conscious? maybe if you can understand why you feel that way you can work with someone to help change it. Writing, reading and even watching tv are fine things to do if this is what helps you there is nothing to feel ashamed of and if people dont understand then thats their issue as long as you know that it helps you thats all that matters.
Feeling ashamed or embarssed about your feelings is often very normal, remember that no one is going to laugh at you for sharing emotions. Everyone has emotions thoughts etc and sometimes yeah we do get scared that people wont understand and they laugh but your feelings and thoughts are vaild and have the right to be heard just like everyone elses. It's important not to hid these feelings as it can often get worse. Try opening up to someone close to you. It wont be easy but in the long run you will feel much better.
Take care
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 2nd 2011, 10:55 AM

Thanks for all the replies
I don't know why I'm self-conscious, really. I've always been scared of what people thought of me and stuff. There was my primary school where people were prone to picking on whoever they could, me included, but I don't know if that triggered it.

I still sort of get the feeling people are mad at me all the time and it's getting a bit scary for me... And lately, I can't bring myself to write much because my friend has started to. And I'm happy for her, because she's good at it and she enjoys it. But it still hurts every single time I see that she's had loads of responses to her stories and I have barely any. I can't seem to be fully happy for her, because I feel so threatened by her writing... It doesn't help that I'm scared to death my dad might get on better with her than with me. He and my friend mock me sometimes and I just go along with it, let them make fun of my awful geography skills and everything, but I get so, so scared that they'll get along better or he'll like her better and I don't know what to do about it
   
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 2nd 2011, 10:17 PM

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. Since you said you don't really know why you're so self-conscious, have you thought about talking to someone about it? Counselors can help you talk through different things and maybe help you figure out what causes it and how you can get over it. And since you love writing, use it to your advantage. When you feel down or self-conscious, write about it. Write about the things that were going on when you started feeling that way. That might help you out some. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.


"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life." --John Lennon

"What matters isn't that you fell, but that you got back up. No matter how many times it takes, it's that you get back up. We fall down and all isn't lost." --Renee Yohe
   
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 3rd 2011, 12:25 PM

Thanks
I'm going to a Mood and Anxiety clinic on the 10th, so I think that means a counselor... does it?
I tried the school counselor, but she's a 'listener'. That is actually her job description. She doesn't help, she simply listens if I want to rant, and I don't talk about problems, I can't bring myself to do so and as soon as she actually tries talking to me and actually achieves breaking through to me a bit, she stops because she thinks I'm upset, so that didn't work out. But I do hope the thing on the 10th will help...

as for the writing, I'll probably do that more and more. I often write my problems in story form, as in I give them to a character. But I have written down how I feel a lot of the time.
   
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 3rd 2011, 12:56 PM

Hi there.

I really am sorry to hear how hard you're finding things at the moment.
When i was reading through this i thought you sounded a lot like me. I've also always been shy and find it difficult to talk to people, especially if they're people i don't know. One thing i can say though is that the more you push yourself outside your comfort zone, the easier it gets. I know that forcing yourself to talk and stay in an environment you aren't comfortable with isn't easy, but if you find yourself in that situation again it will be a lot less scary.

I do think it's a good thing that you're going to a Mood and Anxiety clinic soon, but i'm unsure whether it will necesarily be a counsellor you see. If it isn't and you think it would be helpful to speak to a counsellor you could always try speaking to your doctor who may be able to refer you, and who would be able to help you with the anxiety and mood aswell. You also said that you've not had a day where you've felt happy for a long time, so i do think you should mention that to your doctor because they really can help. There are lots of people who can help you so please do try to get some extra support.

I think it's really great that writing helps you so much with how you're feeling, and if it's something that helps you cope, don't let other people stop you doing it. You could always post something on the self expression forum on here if you like.

I also think it's good that you have a strong relationship with your father, but i can understand why you haven't spoken to him about your problems. If you do want to speak to someone else or have a rant then you can PM me anytime.

You seem like such a lovely person and i'm sorry that things are so hard right now. Things CAN get better though. Stay strong and let me know if you want to talk.

Take care,
Vicky.



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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 3rd 2011, 06:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by HushedAtonement View Post
Thanks
I'm going to a Mood and Anxiety clinic on the 10th, so I think that means a counselor... does it?
I tried the school counselor, but she's a 'listener'. That is actually her job description. She doesn't help, she simply listens if I want to rant, and I don't talk about problems, I can't bring myself to do so and as soon as she actually tries talking to me and actually achieves breaking through to me a bit, she stops because she thinks I'm upset, so that didn't work out. But I do hope the thing on the 10th will help...

as for the writing, I'll probably do that more and more. I often write my problems in story form, as in I give them to a character. But I have written down how I feel a lot of the time.
When you go to meet with your counselor/therapist/whomever you might be seeing, maybe you could talk about what you need from them. After going through group and individual sessions, I've found that in order to get what you need to out of the session, let the person you're talking to know what you need. The counselor that I just started seeing about a month ago was really good about asking what I needed from her. She wanted to make sure that she was going to give what I needed, whether that was strictly a listener or talker, or a mixture of both. So don't be afraid to let them know what you need. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. (:


"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life." --John Lennon

"What matters isn't that you fell, but that you got back up. No matter how many times it takes, it's that you get back up. We fall down and all isn't lost." --Renee Yohe
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just really need some help and support. - June 5th 2011, 07:27 PM

The advice that I always get when I feel like this is 'let it go.' for the longest time I couldn't figure it out...I wanted to let go, but I just COULDN'T. But really I was afraid to be myself and show my emotions. Don't worry, needing others' approval is normal. You can't live a life held back by fear..just try to let loose some and maybe it will help you out a bit. Good luck. <3


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