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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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I honestly want to die - May 25th 2011, 07:16 PM

I am sick of life. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of being in debt. I have been depressed since I was 13 (not diagnosed till I was 18) and I have been on many different medications to try and get me to a stage where I can help myself. None of it is working though. I get up, go to work, get home and then go to bed. I literally cannot cope with anything else. I'm not happy. I don't see myself being happy in the next few years, so the only conclusion is to kill myself. There is only one thing stopping me. I don't want to upset my mum. However, she has just married her boyfriend of 11 years, so she has him now. She will get over my death fine.

I'm scared that I'm so nonchalant about death. I want to care. I would rather be hysterical than calm and content about killing myself. I want to stick my head in an oven. I want to drink bleach. I want to take every single tablet I can find. I want to hang myself. I want to drown myself in the sea. It's all I think about. And I'm only calm when thinking about it. something is wrong and I don't know how to help myself.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I honestly want to die - May 26th 2011, 04:08 AM

I feel the same way. One time I found myself riding my bike into a road with a car coming at me very fast and they honked but missed me. I almost died and I didnt care at all, in fact I was angry bc they honked at me. When I was walking by the ocean the other night I thought to myself "I could die right now, I could run into the ocean and just drown and no one will do anything about it."
If you ever find something that helps, please post
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - May 26th 2011, 11:23 AM

Kind of same here .. Im not going to suicide and give up, But i dont know what to do anymore. Im just fucking tired of being in trouble and always having problems.
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - May 27th 2011, 08:56 AM

I was supposed to have an appointment with my social worker this morning, but I got there and the receptionist told me that she called in sick today and that I should ring next week to rearrange. I really could have used some help today. I can't phone up and rearrange. I get really anxious phoning people that I don't know. So basically, they're not going to phone me, I'm not going to phone them and I'm going to be forgotten about until I kill myself when everyone will say how sad it is that someone so young felt the need to take their own life and then they'll get over it.
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - May 31st 2011, 07:28 PM

NOBODY should take their life, you will be mied.dearly by your peers and your town. Try to make friends now, as futile as it seems, or a start a new hobby- play an instrument for example. Have a nice day!


We got to hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We got each other, and that's a lot
For love, we'll give it a shot!

Keep livin' on a prayer!!!
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 04:34 AM

Okay, well good on you for attempting to seek help. There are alot of hotlines that can help you. We have a sticky to track down help. 911 is also an option is it's serious.

Depression is a monster and it's hard to deal with. Simple things like phoning a friend and chatting, going for a walk or having fun on the internet can really cheer you up. Force a positive attitude for an hour a day, eventually you'll find it's not as hard to force it anymore. Eventually I think I might cure myself with this method.

- Justin



"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
Technologic
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 09:57 AM

Hi Ella,
I'm really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. When you were diagnosed with depression did you get offered an other help like counselling? Have you ever been put on medication to try to help?

It does seem like you're really struggling and i'm sorry to hear about what happened with the social worker this week. Please don't let that stop you from reaching out for help though. You don't have to go through this alone and there are lots of people who would want to support you if they knew how you were feeling. Do you think you could try speaking to your gp about how you're feeling? They may be able to offer you more support or refer you on to other services which may help. It's really important that people know how bad you're feeling. You said that you find it hard to talk so you could always write things down if you think you'd find that easier.

I know you said you get really anxious on the phone but like Justin said, you could think about calling a helpline if things get bad. I'm sure you've seen it before but if you click here you can take a look at TeenHelps list of helplines.

Please remember that you don't have to be alone Ella. If you ever need anything or want a chat then let me know. I hope you start feeling better.

Take care,
Vicky



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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 06:08 PM

I had some counselling last year, but she stopped seeing me. I'm not sure why, she probably just got sick of me. I've been on medication for 2 years now. I've tried 5 different anti depressants and a mood stabiliser.
I have tried to speak to my GP, but she's always really busy and just says to phone the mental health team. My GP can't even put me back on the mood stabilisers I was on before because only psychiatrists can prescribe them and when I brought it up she told me to speak to my social worker.
I actually had a nice day today, I spent most of it with my little brother, but as soon as I dropped him off at his house, a wave of depression hit me again. I don't understand it.
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 07:02 PM

I'm glad you had a good day with your brother today.
Do you think you would be able to speak to your social worker like your gp suggested? It might be worth it if it means you can go back onto the medication or get more support. I'm sure your counsellor didn't get sick of you, do you think you could ask your doctor if it would be possible if you could be referred to another counsellor?
Have you ever tried calling the mental health team? Maybe you could try that.



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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 07:38 PM

I often feel how you feel right now. The thing you gotta do is keep reaching out. Never stop telling people. Someone will listen eventually. You aren't being attention-seeking and people do care. Just keep telling them how you feel. Don't censor yourself and don't sugarcoat. Make them feel what you feel, and then once you're sure they do know what you mean, take their advice. I'm here if you need to talk.
   
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Re: I honestly want to die - June 1st 2011, 08:26 PM

You have to find something that brings you some joy. I know it doesn't seem like it's out there, but trust me, it is. Find some way of bringing love in to your life. That seems to be one of those things that helps me out. Find a friend to go to everytime you feel this way, and just get a hug. You can make it, trust me.
   
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