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venting - June 1st 2011, 10:56 PM

i dont really know where to start.. i just know that i really need to talk right now.

lately.. ive been driving myself crazy..

i am a lucky person..

things have happened in my life that are quite unfortunate..
but you make the best of it and move on..

i know this.. im a smart person..

but for some reason i make the worst of every situation..
when everything in my life is going fine.. i look for something to be upset about..

i want to be happy.. but i wont let myself..

i am very unhappy and lonely.

i feel bad for family and my boyfriend.

lately the thought of them being better off without me has crossed my mind.

i havent seriously considered it.

but the thought has become more common in my thoughts.

sometimes im so afraid of life that i think death would be better.

when i was a kid.. my dad killed himself..

what if i have kids.. and then i consider it..

i couldnt do that to my kids..

i could never leave them with the life ive had.

im just scared.

i think maybe i try and push people away to see if they will stay.

i just really needed to get this out.
   
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Re: venting - June 2nd 2011, 03:13 AM

I'm sorry that things aren't going very well right now..

Does anyone know that you're feeling this way? Because sometimes when things are hard all you need is someone that knows the situation.

I'm sorry about your dad, that must have been hard. And I understand the thoughts of not wanting to put your future children through the same thing. I do.

Just remember that if you try to find the good in something, even just a little bit, it might help you.

You can PM me anytime if you need help with anything. <3
   
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Re: venting - June 2nd 2011, 10:59 PM

I can relate with the "looking for something to be upset about". I feel like even though my life is great at the moment, something will go wrong, so I will anticipate it and such.

I'm really sorry about your dad and what you had to go through growing up without him. And about the children thing, when you do/if have children, they will love you. They will want you in their life, and if you allow them to be your anchor, then I believe you won't follow in your father's footsteps.

And about the feeling that people would be better off without you, I completely understand what your feeling. On bad days, I'll want to just leave and never come back. I'll feel like such a nuisance in life. But then I see how much I do to contribute. I know people who would be devastated if I left. I know someone would be devastated if you left them.

Even if you don't believe it, someone cares about you. I bet your boyfriend would be depressed and your family would be shocked and downhearted. Just hang in there, your good days will come.

Best wishes
~Stella
   
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