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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlackswordSteve Offline
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ugh....depressed - June 7th 2011, 04:12 AM

My life's been kinda crazy for the past few weeks. I feel like I've just been "existing", rather than living. I've felt like this before, but, with the help of my boyfriend, I eventually overcame it. And then graduation happened... and everything went to hell again.

I just....don't have any confidence anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do in a few days when I move out back to my hometown. The plan was to have my boyfriend move in with me, and I would find a job. I THOUGHT I would be able to handle that, but after panicking and not walking across the stage at graduation, I don't know how I'm going to be able to get a job and be strong enough for my boyfriend.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot recently. Its a reflex, at this point. If anything makes me feel uncomfortable, my first thought is that I want to die. I doubt I'd have the guts to see that through, though. But at the same time, going forward in life feels utterly hopeless. It feels like I just can't handle it...or don't WANT to handle it. Probably both.

I feel trapped. I can't commit suicide, but I also can't handle life. At the same time, I have tons of anxious, worrying thoughts about my boyfirend that make me feel uncomfortable all the time. They're entirely irrational, but they're still THERE. Everything just feels so...hopeless.
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Re: ugh....depressed - June 7th 2011, 04:21 AM

hey. im sorry you are feeling down right now. Have you ever tried therapy? it sounds like a professional could really help you if you gave it a chance. As for you and your bf... just try to be happy you have someone there who cares about you. I have had those same doubts and fears and let them take control and they will eventually ruin things. So try to ignore them or talk to ur bf about them. Communication is important in any good relationship. Good luck

"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -Ida Scott Taylor
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Re: ugh....depressed - June 7th 2011, 05:05 AM

If your boyfriend is what helped you pull through in the past, then it's perfectly reasonable to assume that he can help you through again with this. Remember that a relationship is all about trust and communication. The more you share your thoughts, concerns, worries and apprehensions with him, the more he can help you cope with them, offer suggestions and advice, and (if all else fails) simply console you.

You don't say what really happened with graduation, only that something seems to have gone wrong. Regardless of if you walked for the ceremony or not, if you have a diploma it doesn't matter to potential employers (or most other people) either way. If you did not get your diploma, then I would think it shouldn't be too hard to get it, since you appear to have completed most or all of the credits required. A GED, while perhaps not as glorious, is just as good as a high school diploma.

In a way, it's good to be afraid to die, because it gives you at least one reason to stop yourself from attempting suicide when you think you've run out of all others. On a broader spectrum, however, there are other reasons why you know you need to carry on. As you already stated, you've been through hard times before. With some help and willpower, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to cope with this, just as you did in the past. As has already been suggested, you could speak to a professional therapist about this, and likely be able to get some good advice and input from there. If you can't afford a therapist (or are simply uncomfortable talking to one), there are other resources.

This site in itself is actually quite a wonderful resource, because many of its users (myself included) have experienced similar things. While circumstances are never the same, the ideas and emotions are generally on the same caliber. Whether it's reaching out through the forums like you're doing now, or through chat, or through Live Help, there are multiple ways to get support and advice here.

Beyond this site, there is the infinite resource of the people around you. As I already mentioned, your boyfriend is a good place to start. You say that you need to be strong for him, and while this is true, he needs to be just as strong for you. Other than him, it would be quite reasonable to talk to any of your friends or family about this. It's completely up to you as to what you say and how you say it. If you only feel comfortable expressing or explaining a certain part of what's on your mind, then stick to only that piece, and you can probably get some input and advice on that. Even if you're only fixing what you think is wrong in your life piece by piece, you're still making great progress.

Send me a PM if you have any questions about any of this, or you just want to talk more at all.


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Re: ugh....depressed - June 7th 2011, 05:08 AM

It's not hopeless honey. I know sometimes that depression and anxiety can really take a person down.
I see that you didn't walk in your graduation? Why was that? Did you feel panicked, pressured?
That's actually something I've always had a problem with. I was bullied in highschool, so I left. I got homeschooled because it got so bad. I didn't want to go out in public anymore and people started to scare me. I felt like going to college would be too hard and I'd screw it up. But I went and got my GED early and went to college a year before my graduating class.
If you really want something, you have to push yourself. Not too hard, but hard enough. My sister has been battling agoraphobia for a long time and she finds it easier to take things small steps at a time.
Have you ever thought you might just be scared of growing up? That's common, that big leap after highschool, it can make you scared. That's completely normal. You shouldn't feel like you aren't good enough just because you're scared of getting a job or being along or anything. You're human. Everyone has those feelings eventually.

I'm not the best with advice, but if you want to talk just message me, ok?
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Re: ugh....depressed - June 7th 2011, 05:37 AM

Thanks for the replies.

To answer your questions, yes, I've been seeing a psychologist for awhile now, but he isn't really all that helpful. And as to what happened at graduation, yeah, I panicked. It didn't have to be like that, though. It would've been so easy to just walk up there like everyone else. Instead, I CHOSE to let panic take control of me, even though I had told myself I would go up there for my boyfriend. That's the worse part, really. Promising myself I would do it for him, but then just refusing to fufill that promise.

And yeah, I may have overcome this before, but that was just when I was worrying about distant things in the future. Now, what I've been fearing is right around the corner, and I just DO NOT want to face it. If it comes to a point where I'll have to choose between going out and looking for a job or sitting at home hiding in my room, then, given what I've been doing for the past couple weeks, it feels like I'll definitely be chosing to hide. Doing that would be like a slap in the face to my boyfriend of course, but I've already failed him anyhow by breaking my promise to him for graduation, so I don't see how I'll be able to NOT hide.

aghhh. There's just no way out.
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