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Airling Offline
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Name: Erin
Age: 24
Gender: Female
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Join Date: June 12th 2011

So sick, no answers and I'm losing myself. - June 12th 2011, 02:23 AM

Hey peoples, My name's Erin. I've been seriously sick for over 8 months now. The doctors, they see my gender and age, and automatically assume that it's in my head, that I'm making it up, that I have anorexia/bulimia/stupidity/laziness/selfishness. I've been hospitalized once because it got so bad, and the docors were talking about putting me in the psych ward. That was 2 months ago, when I was still positive with a glass-half-full mindset. I've been out of school, and when I do have enough strength to go I find that my extended 'family' has scattered, and most of them don't care/like me anymore. My best friend moved away last summer and we don't talk. My other best friend, he's dealing with so many issues of his own that I can't even get a hold of him, let alone want to weigh him down with my issues. So much is piling up, being bedbound most of the time made me gain weight, add in the fact that my body was already changing, and I can barely recongnize myself anymore. Six pack to fluff, all my muscle is soft. I just feel so helpless to do anything, I can't get better, and I'm completely doubting myself. What if it really is in my head? My sister doesn't like me, and god knows it's mutual. My dad is pants at anything related to emotions and he'd be angry. Mom is done. She's the one that actually pushed me over the edge today. We got a voicemail yester day from my doctor. She never gives test results over the phone, never. So when mom listened to the message and heard 'she has a blood infection' it was to the computer to research, it fit me perfectly. We were so relieved. I woke up late today, and mom threw medication at me and told me bluntly that it was for a minor infection, not a blood infection. My doctor's accent was hard to make out for my over-excited mother and as a result, all my hope for recovery went out the window. All my hope in general too, actually. I'm so tired of all this, tired in general. It feels like I've never slept. I want to die, to end it, but I want to live at the same time, otherwise, why on earth would I be posting this ramble for help and huggles? It looks hopeless from every angle, and my emotions won't stop jack knifing. I keep going from hysterical to apathetic, to accepting to understanding, to every negative, cold emotion there is and back to either hysterical sobbing or apathy and I can't stop it, or control it. I'm sure my leg is now completely covered in bruises, and I can't stop looking around and thinking, "That would be good to use. That would be quick," and I just need some help right now. I've managed to survive so much already, don't I deserve to catch a break? Sorry for the huge ramble, but I need to get this out and hey, it's the internet. Much love from this random stranger, Thanks.
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Kiiaa_Samiii Offline
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Join Date: June 10th 2011

Re: So sick, no answers and I'm losing myself. - June 12th 2011, 03:44 AM


Im am really sorry to hear about this

I too feel the same way.
My family is scattered around the globe. i have no family close to me (my parents n i dont realy get along)
I have been sereverly depressed for quite a few years now (i dont want to say how many)
I've ran away i forget how many times, and i was outta school for a looooong time. But now im forced to finish year 12 (it is sooo hard)

Last year was Extremly bad where it got to the point i was under 24 hour survaliance so that i wouldnt succeed in hurting myself too badly or killing myself, but after that i got put into a psych ward for 6weeks. (it didnt help, only by 2 aspects, 1 being away from my parents)
I still get urges to cut myself and sometimes die (but i dont want to die - i think you know what i mean)

But enough about me i was just trying to show you that i do understand how you feel.
And also by you letting out how you feel on here is very good. I often write in my journal how i feel, it helps a bit.

I just want you to know that i have faith in you and that i really hope you"ll be okay.
If ever you'd like to talk, you can talk to me if you like
Try and stay strong, i know you can
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