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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
scurvythepirate Offline
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Im not sure if i can continue........ - June 13th 2011, 06:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don’t think I can continue in life.
My family, most of them anyways looks down on me for the way I look (I dyed my hair and grew it long), and refuse to talk to me because of it. I am though I disappointment to my family. I find the song “Family tradition” by Senses fail describes it well. My brother achieved so much, getting straight A’s and is currently in University studying graphic design (or something like that), while im in Gr 10, getting, well barley passing marks if that. My family expects me to just like him, academically of course, but im not.
How about I give you a little back story to help you understand my predicament, then ill continue.
I was born more less 3 months premature, therefore there were complications. I spent about a year of my life (first year that is) inside an incubator. I suppose my family was very helpful during this duration as I survived. The main problem is that I could of had bleeding into the brain, causing brain damage, ergo becoming mentally challenged. Thankfully that didn’t happen. To sum it up, I spent the first 5-6 years recovering from the prematurity of my lungs.
Ok back to the problems.
My brother first and foremost if the worst aspect of my life, I know it’s wrong to wish that someone would just leave your life (not die, but just move to another country for example), but I do. He destroyed my childhood, most of it anyway. I’m not sure why but he made it his mission to make my life miserable. (My aunt thinks he’s jealous of me, as im the younger one, therefore the baby and probably received more attention). In grade school, when arriving home, my brother would beat on me for hours to relieve his own frustrations (presumably) until he got tired (usually lasting over an hour). Now he did this every day for 14 years until I was big and strong enough to fight back. Your probably thinking to yourself why didn’t I just tell my parents. Well the response to that is a simplistic one, they didn’t believe me. As the oldest he was able to convince them that in fact I was wrong, and was lying. Or if the marks were obvious then they’d respond and say something along the lines of “Adam don’t hit your brother”. That’s it, no punishment, what so ever. My brother was able to have my “friends” hate me and no longer wanting to be friends with me, by making stuff up about them in which I said, or release embarrassing information, whatever it may be.
The next topic I will be covering is friends. Fluxuating throughout the years no doubt. Every year, almost, I have a new group of friends. In high school, so far (grades go from 8-12), the friends situation has been a bust. I had 2 really good friends, best friends; we did everything together, all the time, fun times. One of them starting doing lots of weed (big in BC) and the other started being a complete asshole and though I told him to start doing weed (the pot smokers parents are alcoholics and chain smokers, who are slightly abusive), I didn’t. I managed to make more friends, one realistically who was worth mentioning. Times were good until a kid who came to our school (we’ll call him Jim). Jim is a heavy drug pusher. He took my best friends at gr 9, and turned them down the wrong path. They began doing weed, ecstasy, cocaine and LSD. Even in class. I was robbed of two of greatest friends I’d ever known, F*****! This year, gr 10, has been od. I have about 4 good friends, but I feel as if im a burden on them with my depression and “problems”, and that their life would be positively better without me in their life. Sure they’ve helped with my problems, but, I just, don’t know, I feel as if killing myself can take away the burden.
The last thing Ill go over is my parents. Still together this is good. They aren’t though. With all of my depression they just feel as if im “feeling sorry for myself” . They expect me to be so much more than what I am. I’ve tried, to get to know and spend time with them and the other family members but because of my rage situations when I was around 12, where mass amounts of things would be broken in utter rage, no one has forgiven me. For example my dad today yelled at me all morning about how my mother nags him to do stuff, didn’t even have to do with me. He was yelling as if he was going to beat the living shit out of me, utilizing words like FUCK YOU, LITTLE FUCKING SHIT, and other associated phrases, luckily though because I was in a vehicle he refrained. Throughout my life he as often done this in both a physical and verbal manner. My mother on the other hand signed me up for a job, pretty much without my consent, applying with “how you’d write it” where I’d be a camp counselor, uggh. I mean I like the outdoors, but no, I don’t want to deal with a bunch of kids (no offense to any little kids, but im 16 and I don’t want to be spending any time of my summer associated with you).
I’ve seen a shrink about this, although on those days I was feeling great, not as I do now, nope, not at all. So it didn’t feel as if it helped, I did though display my problems, but overall, help wasn’t really given. It was more less a venting experience . please why shoils I continue to live?
My passion used to be writing but that fell apart. I’m terrible in every other academic, except for history.
My family hates me, and life isn’t worth living anymore from my point of view………
   
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Re: Im not sure if i can continue........ - June 13th 2011, 06:59 PM

Hi there sweetie,

It sounds to me like you've had it really tough not only at home, but at school too. I'm sorry to hear that, and I know exactly how difficult times as trying as that can be.

Your predicament with the way your family treats you is extremely difficult, and even though they don't treat you the way you deserve, I don't think you should kill yourself over it. You're 16 now, in a few more years you can remove yourself from this toxic enviroment. It sounds to me, based off what your aunt said and you saying at the begining "My family, most of them anyways", that perhaps you could seek help from another relative to remove yourself from the situation sooner. I would suggest you go to one of the closer relatives you have (that you get along with and who respects you, and more importantly you'd feel comfortable talking to) and sit down with them and tell them everything thats been going on and how you've been feeling in result. From there you both (together) can decide what would be best for you to do. I'm sure they'd be more than willing to help.

If your friends so willingly ditched you to smoke weed and do other drugs, then perhaps they weren't the best of friends to begin with. Its extremely disheartening, I know. As for the situation with your current friends, I would work on trying to become even better friends with them. You may feel like you're complaining and being a burden, but chances are if they are true friends they won't see it that way at all; they'll probably want to help you more than anything.

I understand not wanting to take a job your mother unwillingly signed you up for. On the other hand though, perhaps its not such a bad thing. If its a camp that you stay the night over, at least it would give you a bit of a break from all the stress your family is causing you.

As for the shrink, I think one of the reasons you feel it didn't help was because you were having good days when you went. You may want to considering going back again now that things have gotten worse again. I think it could be beneficial for you. The great thing about a shrink (or a councelor) is you set the pace at which you talk about things, and you choose when to talk about each thing bothering you. If you feel that the shrink you have isn't working for you (you just don't feel comfortable talking to him/her) then maybe you should look into meeting with another shrink instead. Sometimes it takes a few times to find the right "fit" so to speak.

Again, I know how difficult and pointless everything probably seems, but I promise it can and will get better with time. Stay strong and keep your chin up sweetie! If you want to, feel free to add me and know you can PM\VM me anytime; I'm online a lot.

Best of luck,
Nikki


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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scurvythepirate Offline
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Re: Im not sure if i can continue........ - June 13th 2011, 07:42 PM

Thank you very much for the reply, means a lot. Ill consider the job, and whether or not i should do it.
TY.
   
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deem Offline
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Re: Im not sure if i can continue........ - June 13th 2011, 07:45 PM

I've read and re-read this post about a million times. And each time it affects me more and more, you seem like the most kind hearted person around, you should never let anyone tell you who you are as a person, and you most certainly should never let them bring you down. You've gone through so much in your life, and you're such a strong person for dealing with it all by yourself! I just want you to know people out there do care for you, even though you might not believe it, and dont want to realize it, you have a whole world out there ready for you, and ready for all of the amazing things your going to do! Stay strong, and keep your head up; you wont regret it <3 <3
   
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Re: Im not sure if i can continue........ - June 13th 2011, 07:46 PM

I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you! And like I said, feel free to PM/VM me anytime, I don't mind at all.

Good luck!


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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