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-   -   Triggering: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t76878-%5Bsuicide-self-harm-greiving%5D-not-sure-what-purpose-posting/)

Intoxicated Brutality June 16th 2011 04:03 AM

[Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
In order to make this as short as possible, I'm going to stick to a basic coverage of everything. Tl;dr bolded.
1) I'm possibly Bi-Polar. Great grandma and grandma have it; and the disorder is genetic.
2) Low self esteem from mom criticizing looks.
3) Horrible body image due to above.
4) Parents pretty much hate me.
5) Brother a druggie, also hates me.
6) Grandparents hate me since brother got kicked out by my mom.
7) Ended the longest/happiest relationship I've ever been in so I could focus on school; he basically started acting all crazy.
8) Good friend's mom gets murdered on September 8th.

Then, the biggest issue. To be brief ((I can explain, if you need clarification on something; it'll just be very very long)) my best friend went out with this guy for 4/5 years off and on. She broke up with him after months of arguing over stupid crap. Got all depressed and suicidal. Started cutting. I made her go to guidance, school called her home but nothing changed. She decides sleeping with her ex ((multiple times)) will bring him back; she gets pregnant and miscarries. Gets more depressed and suicidal. I spent all of last summer up until September 21st talking her out of it successfully. On September 21st, she texts me during my first block class : “I fucking hate my life. This is the last time you’ll see me”
I roll my eyes. Go to 2nd period, which I have with her. Don’t look at her. Barely speak to her. She hugs me anyway, says she’s sorry. I still don’t say anything. Upstairs doing inventory for that class ((it’s a vocational class, Greenhouse)) with my other friend, best friend remains downstairs but likely heard me saying how I didn’t think she’d actually do it anyway, and how I just can’t deal with it anymore, how I don’t want her to kill herself but theres so much other stuff going on in my life and how I was just going to do nothing.
Didn’t text her at all that night. Getting ready for bed. Moms cell phone rings. Don’t think anything of it. Considering to text her. Mom comes into room. “I have some bad news.”

She'd hung herself. ((Tl;dr :: above paragraph and the following are kinda needed for this to make sense))

Its like…something broke. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. The phone call? The Ex boyfriend's Dad, who is a cop, had gotten a call from one of his co-workers who responded to the scene. So he called my mom so she could tell me rather than I find out at school.

I didn't even cry when my mom told me. I didn't go to the memorial. Or the funeral.

On top of everything, I've had to listen people talk about her like they knew her, knew what was going on since that day. I've heard everything from "/laughing/ I'm going to go to guidance and pretend I knew her to get out of classes" to "it's all ______((ex's name)) fault" ((which it's not; he didn't know what was going on. I did)). Even to the extent where some girl is claiming to have been her best friend, when they hardly ever spoke and my best friend had told me multiple times how she didn't like her.

Since that, lots of other things have happened. Uncle nearly died in a drunk driving wreck, another friend's boyfriend kills himself, great great uncle ((great grandmas brother)) diagnosed with cancer of the throat, and my cousin pretty much hates me.

Combine all that with the fact I don't feel like I have any friends I can talk to anymore ((rather I'm not sure who IS a friend anymore)) asides from a few very wonderful online friends, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

I've been self harming. ((I was clean for a few weeks but I slipped up again:/ )) I'm probably now what qualifies as an insomniac from staying up talking to my best friend to 3/4 AM most of last summer, plus I have horrible nightmares. I barely eat. I have no one from my everyday life ((as in whom I see in person)) that I can talk to.

I just don't know anymore. I'm so sick of feeling this way. And I know no matter what anyone says, I'll always blame myself for what my best friend did. I'm sick of feeling alone. Of feeling like no one cares. I just want things back to how they used to be; but I don't know where to even begin. Not to mention I feel like all I am is a burden to everyone I try to talk to about my problems. I mean, clearly if you managed to read all that it's a lot of crap :/


I'm sorry this is so long, and I don't even know what I'm asking here really.

**Just to clarify; while I have considered suicide((even before all this)) that's not my point of posting here. I'm more or less venting I suppose. I seriously doubt I could go through with it even if I really wanted to because my friend whose mom got murdered really needs me. I can't just do that to her after everything she's lost and had to deal with

KittKatt June 16th 2011 04:48 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
You are posting this because you are asking for help. Desperate if I ask. I have been through a lot of shit but this made me cry. I will talk to you as much as I can, please PM me, vent vent vent, I will give advice to the best of my power... Don't give up just keep going, don't let the chain keep going... Ugh I have no idea what to say... please PM ME?

nobodyinparticular June 16th 2011 11:08 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
Hey,
Im sorry so much is going on right now. I know how difficult it is to try and look after someone who is suicidal, and it isn't your fault she choose to commit suicide. No matter what you said and what she overheard. It must be really tough, loosing her on top of every thing else.
I don't think you should feel like a burden, and though it doesn't sound like you are able to talk to your family, have you considered seeing the school counsellor/guidance or an out-of-school counsellor or psychologist?
If you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me, and don't give up because things will eventually get better.

Intoxicated Brutality June 17th 2011 02:22 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
@ KittKatt- thanks for replying, it means a lot. And I did PM you back

@nobodyinparticular- I don't feel its my fault so much in the way she did it anyway, but I should have done something more. Even if I didn't think she would do it, that still makes it my fault (in my mind at least) for not even trying... :/ I have considered talking to one of the school guidance counselors, and even went so far to make an appointment (numerous times) to speak to one but ended up not going every time :/ I'm not sure about an out of school one (which at this point since I'm on summer break would be the only option for counseling) because I don't have a vehicle I can drive and with my parents being the way they are...not too likely. Anyway...thanks for taking the time to reply. It means a lot

annalibelle June 17th 2011 03:02 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
You did try. You talked to your friend and supported her for all those months and years. You did what any good friend would do. You couldn't have done anything more unless you were a mind reader.
And honestly you are the opposite of a burden you are fucking inspirational. Just to be alive and survive all of that and be clean and not cutting is just WOW. I seriously look up to you, man.
Venting is fine that's sometimes what you need to do, and sometimes it inspires random people comme moi ;)

Intoxicated Brutality June 17th 2011 03:19 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
@ annalibelle- I don't know, I guess maybe I feel like I didn't try when it really mattered. If that makes sense. :/ anyways, thanks for posting. I don't see how I could have possibly inspired you, but if I really did then well good? Haha. Thanks again

SouthernBelle. June 17th 2011 08:16 PM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
You did a wonderful job for this friend, and continue to do so for a friend that is still living. Ignore the people who said they knew her; you'll be okay. :) You are seriously a very strong, very good person. And you are very inspirational, as Annalibelle said. I just couldn't not post here, after reading all the horrible things you've had to go through, yet have still persevered through. :hug:

Intoxicated Brutality June 18th 2011 03:38 AM

Re: [Suicide/SH/Greiving] not sure what the purpose of posting this is.
 
@ Eldora- Well I certainly don't feel strong at all. But thank you


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