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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
annalibelle Offline
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Layers of Self? - June 17th 2011, 03:23 AM

Okay I'm going to sound crazy in this post, just to warn you.
On the surface I know I need help. But the second layer of me says that no, I'm just sorta bragging about it, that I want to appear more "damaged" so I can seem cool. The third layer, says I'm actually miserable. The fourth one says I'm bragging about it...
And so on.
But I'm okay now. I think. I still wouldn't mind dying, but I don't have enough will to do it. Being dead is so much easier, no one could say anything bad about you, it'd be too horrible. I can't concentrate and I'm really touchy and sensitive and really sleepy. But its not the "i can't even get up" depression. I eat so much and I know I'm getting fat because my mom loves to tell me so. Its the "I feel like a miserable loser even when I'm with friends kind."
But I'm okay when I'm on an upswing. People usually say that I get too loud, but I don't realize it. When I'm up, I really want to talk. So that's when I talk about this stuff...
But I have layers of me going down and down and down that conflict with each other, so I can never talk when I need to...

"Every mushroom cloud has a silver lining"- Owl City
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
oldaccount Offline
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Re: Layers of Self? - June 17th 2011, 03:44 AM

Ignore the layers that say you're miserable- if you even think you need help, you cannot lose a single thing to going and getting it, you can only gain. The layers that say you need help, that something is wrong, that you really are feeling bad- they're the ones telling the truth. Do not hesitate for a second to ask for help. Please, please- if you need it, please get it.
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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: Layers of Self? - June 17th 2011, 05:20 PM

Dear Annabelle,

The mind can definitely go in a thousand directions!

When we are bombarded with voices in the mind, perhaps we can attempt to acknowledge them - one by one. Go up to each voice and say, 'I know you exist, and your existence is fully valid. It's not me being crazy - you're here, and you just are.' But, don't forget to acknowledge the confusion too. Others can say all they want about which voice we believe to be true, but it is not of decisive use until you believe it for yourself, isn't it? It's okay to feel confused. Hold on to the intention of seeking clarity - but there's no need to force anything right at the moment.

Rather than seeking to identify with any perspective, which will cause internal conflict through differential identification over time and psychological dimension, we can take a step back to the level of just observing the mind.

We can pose the question: how did these dynamics come to be?
It may or may not be answered, sooner or later, but the act of posing the question in itself may be helpful.

When speaking to others, it is perfectly valid to express all these layers - even if they contradict one another or go in circles. This is just as important of a part of your experience as any other. If it makes communication less discordant, one way to approach it may be in distinct parts: one part deals with the fact that this confusion exists, the next with the bigger picture underlying why it exists in the first place (ie. your mental struggles), and finally with what each of the voices are trying to say.

I hope this helps.

All the best,

"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
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Tainted Angel Offline
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Re: Layers of Self? - June 19th 2011, 07:31 PM

I sorta know how you're feeling.
I'm not exactly depressed, but apart of me is already dead from certain....stuff...
& sometimes I want to ask seek someone for help/guidance about what I'm going through, but another part of me tells me not to because people will find me weird (I'm a pretty proud person) & it's best not to get people involved, another says to deal with my own problems by myself because these problems are actually mine, & I feel like I need to fight my own battles, though I hear people said it's nice to have someone help you, but....
I don't know, I just have a problem with being self-reliant.
Sometimes you gotta fight your own battles, as I've said before, because no one really knows what you're going through & people & things are just never always dependent....

Embrace and love yourself,
Even the more darker and imperfect part of yourself,
No one knows you more than yourself,
And sometimes you can count only on yourself...
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Kate* Offline
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Re: Layers of Self? - June 20th 2011, 03:35 AM

your post was not crazy, my (undiagnosed) depression works the same way! The part or parts that are telling you to harm or kill yourself or that death would be easier are lying to you. It's hard to fight them, but it's really the only way to make them stop. The rational parts of you need to ask for the help that you know you need. The other part will hate it and resist because it doesn't want to be gotten rid of, but you don't have to live like this, help is worth it.

Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
bayhorse321 Offline
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Re: Layers of Self? - June 21st 2011, 02:20 PM

I know this isn't well advice but I wanted to let you know That everything you described up there is exactly how I feel right now, minus the eating thing because I can barely eat at all. In a since I guess that is the same as well. I felt like I needed help and then when my mom found out at is taking me for help I am scared. Now I don't want it because I am afraid of the outcome maybe... Idk it's like I don't feel like my problems are big enough to have people care about them. again sorry this isn't advice but when I read it, it felt so much like something I wrote once that I felt the need to comment. I hope everything works out.
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