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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Liz94 Offline
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Unhappy Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 02:42 PM

I am so annoyed and angry at myself right now.....

I have three exams left ....I haven't revised at all for now the third day.....WHY. I have a timtable...I have breaks built into this timetable yet no I'm like oh Liz your gonna fail them anyway so don't revise......WELL I'm going to fail them with a worse grade without revision arn't I.....

The reasons why I haven't revised...

1. I feel depressed, I just feel numb, empty and useless....I am just so low and cannot pick myself up at all.

2. The urges to self harm are getting stupidly strong and more and more frequent...I have gone over 4 and a half months. I am 9 days away from reaching 5 months of freedom...yet theses urges are impossible.

3. I am sooo tired I am getting to sleep between midnight and 3am, but the sleep isnt restful and is very light and what with exam stress and months and months of exam stress I am completly exhausted both mentally and physically...which isnt good for me mainly as I am most susceptable to self harm when exhausted.

So what have I been doing....

covering it up of corse... I smile everytime I am with someone or say I am just tired. I come on here say I am fine and happy in chat...then whittering on..I mean I love going in the chat lobby and people do genually make me feel better without even knowing it...my convo with Tara, Eddie and Nicole yesterday really cheered me up, but then I come offline and BAM back to feeling depressed.

I try to help people on here, but I am feeling so fake and hipercritcal when I do cause Im like...well I should be doing that....

I just want to be happy, I dont want to feel so low, go away you stupid mental illness...dont ruin yet another summer.....

It is bad enough that due to self harm I won't be swimming on tour with my choir thanks to wonderful scars and questions are being asked by my friends there (as well no-one in my choir knows about it or my depression)....I dont want to be the depressed kid in the coner as well

I don't even know why I am typing or posting this.....I just want depression to stop...it has gotton to the point where I am planning ways that I can end it...

Help please...even if its to tell me that I am being stupid....help

p.s. as you will know if you have been in chat recently I cannot type or spell so sorry for the probably countless mistakes.


"Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

PM/VM me anytime
LIZ
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
jake_96 Offline
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 03:31 PM

First of all, don't end it. You have so much to live for. In 10 years time, you will look back and realise all the great things you would have missed out on if you had have ended it.

Secondly, most people feel like this around exam time. It is a very stressful time, but it will end soon. But if this is an ongoing thing, you should probably consider seeing a therapist. They can really help a lot. Last year, I almost killed myself, but I held on and then started talking to a therapist which helped a lot to suppress my depression. Now I look back on it and realise how terrible killing myself would have been. Not only for myself, but for the people who love me.

I hope you feel better soon.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 03:34 PM

Im sorry you are going through a tough time Liz. I mean I dont know all the details of what you are going through... But I can tell you that this wont last forever!

Be strong and keep fighting, and keep smiling! and you know what? its ok to ask for help! dont feel bad!And please stop being hard on yourself! I know you arent dumb! so stop saying you are going to fail!!!!!!!! Guess what! You still have time to study! Study hard! Just think how proud you are going to be of yourself when you get good marks on your exams!

Plus if you are 2-0 down in a footie game, do you just stop playing? just because you feel like its hard to fight back? Dont forget the miracle of istanbul! As much as i was cheering for AC milan, the fact that they came back from three goals down shows that you can never EVER write yourself off, no matter what the odds are!!!! I mean the Milan team was like 10x better! and they still LOST!!!!!

So you be like Liverpool, say Screw you depression!!!!! Im going to score three goals!!! or rather going to pass my exams... same thing

I had a tough time in my IB program, but i knew one thing.... i had to get the diploma and pass the exam! Even though i had such a bad time, i studied my arse off,, and not only passed but got pretty good marks!!! Even in Physics!!! I got one of the highest in my class!!! lol im proud of that fact hahahaha

But hey seriously get ur butt on those books , i have been wheree you have, for me over time, i learned how to just open a book and just concentrate on it, and forget everything else!


Hi
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Liz94 Offline
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 03:40 PM

Yes Eddie....though In future please can I not be liverpool....I mean liverpool!!!!
thanks for the support and in your case eddie the team half time talk :-p


"Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

PM/VM me anytime
LIZ
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
bayhorse321 Offline
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 04:16 PM

Liz, You are honestly an amazing person. You helped me so much just by talking to me. You are not a hipocryte, just going through a hard time. You are so supportive to everyone else so how about just trying to believe in yourself. I think you can beat this, you are strong and please don't end it. If you want to vent to me or just talk PM me ok
~Shana~
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Liz94 Offline
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 05:10 PM

I dont think I would ever go through with ending it....just having plans scared me....
Im glad I have helped you and I will try and be a bit more open and not let things build up so much....

I do feel stupidly low..but with all this love I am getting on here today has helped....so thanks everyone perticually Shana, Sarah, Tara and Eddie. love you guys


"Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

PM/VM me anytime
LIZ
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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
bayhorse321 Offline
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Re: Why am I so useless - June 18th 2011, 05:47 PM

We love you too! we are here for you.
   
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