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Switzerland Offline
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Speed - June 19th 2011, 04:00 AM

My sister graduated from highschool today. On the way home from the ceremony, I had to ride in the back seat of our fairly small car with my aunts, and we were close enough to touch. I HATE people touching me. Anyways, about halfway home, I heard a noise, like wind, coming from my door. I looked, and the door was open. Not to the point that it would swing open on its own, but if I gave at a little pressure, it would definately open. So for the rest of the way home, I sat holding the door shut, while my dad sped down the highway.

I kept looking out the window and thinking, 'how easy it would be to just fall. It would look like an accident. This is what I want, right? What Ive been waiting for?'

So why didnt I open the door? Why didnt I just fall?

Somewhere in me, I know that thats not what I want. I dont want to end my life, as much as I think I do sometimes. Something in me knows that I want more from myself... that I EXPECT more from myself than that.

Im terrified of myself. Im scared that someday, on an impulse decision, Im going to do something. Something detrimental. But thats not the scary part. The scary part is, I dont half-ass things. If Im going to do it, I will succeed. It wont be an atempt. If im going to do something, Im going to get it right the first time. Thats what scary.

To clarify, I say on impulse, because I am an impulse decision maker. I know thats not a clinical term, or whatever, but Ive never been clinically diagnosed as anything. I just know that I tend to do stuipd things with out thinking about them. Without letting myself think about them. Its not a good thing, I know. But I dont know....it adds flavor to my life...
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Re: Speed - June 19th 2011, 01:23 PM

hey switzerland,
firstly im glad you held that door shut, i know at the time it was a tough desicion but now you can see it was definately the right one. I understand how you feel, like sometimes u just wanna take a risk and dont care how the outcome is. but i think to overcome these feelings is important. those impulsive feelings are your body's way of tellin you that something is wrong, and you need to try to figure out what it is, so that u can get help. and there is always help available, whether it is on here or in the real world. Stay strong and if u want you can Pm me and we can talk things through xx
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