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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LovedIt Offline
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Exclamation Help. - June 21st 2011, 10:33 PM

My day just turned awful. Basically, my father started going through my room, saying that if I don't clean it up, he would decide what was important and what needed to be thrown away.

First of all, I have just finished my first year of college. Meaning, I have twice the amount of "stuff" as usual. Secondly, my dad is an alcoholic who has been mentally torturing me for years.

Really, what happened today shouldn't have been a big deal. Anyone could tell me to clean my room without bringing me to tears. But the way he talked to me reminded me how awful he was to me while I was growing up. Actually, just the other day, he tried to start a fight with me over text because I didn't tell him where I was. (I was with my mom. We all live together.) He said, Why didn't you tell me where you were going? Did your mother tell you not to? At that, I wanted to tell him not to talk about my mother like that. He's so incredibly insulting.

It's because of him that I also struggled with an eating disorder in the past. I remember for my birthday one year, he gave me a "How to lose weight for dummies" book. I wasn't (and am not) even overweight.

He makes me feel worthless. I just got accepted into a top 20 US University (the one he wanted me to go to) and am on track to be a doctor (the profession he also wanted) but still talks to me like I'm an idiot.

He's fucking neurotic. He's not a normal person. There must be something wrong with him. The alcohol must have rotted his brain or something. Example: Last night, my mother was talking about a child who had gotten into an accident while swimming. We all talked about this for a good 10-15 minutes. At the end, she said, "It's really depressing." My dad said, "What is?" She said, "The child who got hurt." He said, "Who's child?" It went on like this until she retold the entire story. Normal people don't do that! What is that?!

I never think about suicide when I am away at school but I am realizing now that I can't live here at home, not even for summer break. As soon as I was alone in my room, I wanted to cry and just kill myself in my room, honestly. I'd leave a note and say, "You can clean up the mess you made."

People always say "As soon as you're 18, you'll be free." It's not fucking true unless you want to live like a bum. I have a bright future... that is, if I live long enough to see it. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be alive if I can't get out of this place.

I want to die. There's no other solution. My mother hates my father as much as I do but she won't get a divorce. I can't figure out why. She has seen me crying out in pain because of him but just won't take us away. There's nothing I can do.

I need help. But all I want is a solution.
   
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Re: Help. - June 22nd 2011, 12:51 AM

Hey there sweetie,

I'm sorry things are so rough at home. I know what it's like to live with alcoholics, because well, my family is unfortunately full of them.

The way your father treats you is t right. But I can't really offer much of an escape route for you to take, besides if your university has dorms to possibly live on campus even during summer break. It'll probably be more money, but you can take student loans out and a lot of places you can get them from nowadays offer some good payback plans. I suggest looking into that, or look maybe talk with a few friends about splitting the rent for an apartment. That way you can keep your visits home to a minimum of a few days while still being able to see your mom a fair amount of the time.

I really wish I had more advice, but I don't. Please don't hesitate to PM/VM/Add me if you need to talk, I'm online a lot and I don't mind listening and offering any advice I can.

Hang in there!
Nikki


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
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Last edited by Intoxicated Brutality; June 22nd 2011 at 08:55 PM.
   
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