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On the edge. - June 26th 2011, 11:50 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've struggled with depression for a couple of years now, but last year it started to go really really downhill, and these past few months have been mental and emotional hell. It started out when I met this guy in like October last year. He lives in my town and we started talking on Facebook and we hung out a couple of times and I really started to like him. This started to go way beyond me liking him, I have such strong feelings for him, it's insane. For a while, at the start of January it seemed like he liked me, but I honestly had no idea whether it was a gut feeling, or just hope. I moved to his school at the start of this year (I would've gone to his school regardless of whether I knew him or not, because I was getting terribly bullied at my previous one and I needed to get out of there) and yeah. But the past few months, I've been suspicious that he likes a girl who I'm friends with. They've said stuff back and forth to each other on tumblr that could be passed off as flirting (but both of them never speak to each other in real life and they're both awkward and shy as anything) and yeah, it's got me down so much. Me and the guy hardly talk anymore, apart from at school. If I text him he doesn't reply or if he does, he doesn't even hold conversation that much.
It's not just the guy that's gotten me down though, I don't have the best opinion of myself and I compare myself to others a lot and I'm always trying to change how I look in order to look better. I want to lose weight so badly, and the idea of being stick thin appeals to me, as fucked up as it sounds. I cut myself and I have since year 6, I'm in year 9 now.
I feel like I annoy everybody I talk to (because of the bullying at my previous school), the bullying has taken a toll on my self esteem and my school grades are going down because I don't have the motivation to do any of it anymore, I don't have the motivation for anything. I think of suicide a lot, and I get so close to the point of considering it.
I feel pathetic due to the reasons why I'm sad as well, because people have actual problems, these girls at my school, their dad died and someone else I know is in hospital for anorexia and people come from abusive households and have been raped and I'm sad because a guy doesn't like me and I don't like how I look and people have bullied me.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
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e228p Offline
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Re: On the edge. - June 27th 2011, 11:45 AM

and also, one of my friends is leaving my school and I have like hardly any other friends so it's going to be terrible without her.
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