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Rose Rayne Offline
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Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 3rd 2011, 03:13 AM

Okay, for the past two years Ive been like getting depressed very easily and it would last for days until i feel truly happy. Well.. it just dawned on me, I think I crave depression. Like I feel like i'd rather be depressed than happy. I'd rather cry than laugh. And when I feel depressed and when I cry I feel good.. that is, until i stop. Then its back to a normal blank state where i dont want to do anything or talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.

Right now i feel so... upset. I dont want to be here. I dont want to have such hateful thoughts twards myself or my friends! I want to cry and be alone. I don't know what to do. I don't know why im feeling this way either I just... Im so lost! T_T

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Re: Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 3rd 2011, 04:22 AM

I think you are craving the depression because while it is sad and hurts It is a feeling. You said that when you are not depressed you are in a blank state. I think in saying you crave it is because it is something for you to feel. I Hope that helped a little.
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Re: Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 3rd 2011, 05:09 AM

My mom tried to help me understand why I preferred being depressed over anything else. It was simple really...She told me I probably feel comfortable with being depressed because for about 3+ years that is all I felt.

It's the only way I knew how to feel. It would make sense that you would be afraid to feel something else. Maybe that's the same with you.
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Re: Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 3rd 2011, 02:49 PM

Yeah, I agree with those above...I think it's natural, either because you want to actually FEEL emotion or because it's what you're used to. Either way I hope you find something that helps

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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 6th 2011, 05:43 AM

After so many years, I truly do believe that there is something about darkness and destruction that is inherently attractive, just to different degrees for each individual based on many factors. Freud called it thanatos. Freud generally makes me angry, but this one point really seems to speak to me. Other writers have independently arrived at a similar point of analysis as well.

The more exposure we have to these energies, the more it strengthens the sense of craving. I haven't been at the point where I was struggling to survive each day for a long time now, but I still feel that pull, every time something happens to generate negative emotions, to invite those experiences back in. I am content to feel content, and I now know skillful ways to handle difficulty that I did not in the past, yet it is still there. I've learned to just accept it as a part of the reality that I deal with, now. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to revert or I'll never fully get better or whatever. It just is. And it is impermanent, like everything else.

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Re: Craving/ Addicted to Depression? - July 6th 2011, 06:13 PM

Yeah I feel like this still, even though the past 3 months have been the happiest I remember I still feel that pull...sometimes I want to give in because it seems like it'll feel better but then I think surely I'd rather feel a little bit happy than completely depressed...it comes in waves for me, sometimes I love it where I am and then for a week or so I'll just be feeling that attraction again
I never realised other people felt this too though, I thought I was weird...:/

Edit: btw agreed with the post above
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